Sugar Donor

The Story - In two parts (2)

2012-01-25T09:06:00.000-08:00

Christmas Day I took my last antibiotic. We laid low during the holidays as we don't celebrate Christmas at our house and we also had newborn twins and a four year old to keep illness free. I was not ready to be around a lot of people yet. DH's sister and nieces came over in the evening and the first thing my six year old niece did was jump into my lap. Right after that I felt a serious amount of pain in my gut and I wasn't quite sure what had happened. I knew something was really wrong but I could see that my incision had not ripped. That later that evening I began having what I have deemed "episodes". MY vision would get blurry, I would get hot then cold, it was hard to breathe but I was convinced that it would pass.
On Monday the 26th we were scheduled to have two Hanukkah parties at my parents home. One party for my siblings and nephews and one with some family friends that really are like family. It wasn't until I was getting my pants on and I started having more of these "episodes" that I thought something might REALLY be wrong. We gathered up the kids and went to my parents home. Once there I started having more episodes and all of the sudden got cold and could not warm myself up. It passed after about forty five minutes but the pain in my belly was pretty intense.
Tuesday morning we were to take the boys for their two week check-up at the pediatricians office. I was holding one of the boys when all of the sudden I began to have an episode. I was trying to will myself to be better. DH was holding the other baby and after about ten or so minutes of continued trouble I asked him to take the other baby too. When the pediatrician walked in she immediately knew something was wrong and asked the nurse to take my blood pressure. I knew something was wrong I just thought it would pass. Sure enough she took my BP and it was 70. The Dr. asked the nurse for something more definitive. The Dr. asked the nurse again 70 over what and the response was 70. The immediately called an ambulance and I got a one way ticket back to the hospital. I begged to be taken to my peri's office as it was 10 am and I had an appointment with him at 1 pm. The doctors at the kids office were not having it and neither were the paramedics and so back to the hospital I went. Just as a mental picture of what kind of physical space I was in, I was unable to breathe, take a deep breathe, roll side to side, walk, barely talk. I was in really bad shape but I had convinced myself that the pain was normal and I was fine.
DH stayed with the boys and finished the appointment with the pediatrician and took the boys home while I laid in the ER. Thank g-d my parents met me in the ER. Several surgeons and residents came in to see me, including my peri who had just delivered a baby. after much testing it was determined that I had a 16 cm abscess on the right side of my abdominal wall. I also had four large blood/fluid filled pockets on the left side. The surgeons wanted to do nothing and wait it out. I on the other hand was in excruciating pain. I have had a lot of very painful things done in my lifetime but this by far was one of the most excruciatingly painful things that had happened to me. I wasn't sure if when my niece jumped in my lap on Saturday night that did something or obviously something really serious had been brewing. It turns out those 'episodes" was my BP going very, very low.
Finally on Thursday after much consultation and my kidney doctor getting involved it was determined that I needed to have those spots drained and put JP drains in my gut. I was in excruciating pain that the doctors and nurses for three days had been unable to control with any medicine. I had no idea the kind of pain that it would be to have these spots drained. The spots on the left side of my belly were behind the muscle wall which meant that had to go through that in order to reach the spots. I cannot explain in words the kind of pain this was. I feel like I have a relatively HIGH pain tolerance but this made me feel like a complete weenie.
I spent seven days in patient in the hospital which included spending New Year's Eve and New Years Day chilling at the hospital in excruciating pain while most people were ringing in the New Year. I was in so much pain that I didn't even care about most things.
Finally late in the afternoon on the 2 of January I was released home. It was still a cluster mess with all of the doctors how I was going to be treated. They released me with the understanding that in two short days I would be coming back to the hospital to be checked. Two short days later and I was not much better. I was still in excruciating pain but at least I was used to it by this point and I was able to put on my brave face. They did all kinds of tests and set me home to "get better". I was told they would call me in a week. A week later still not better they decided that my body was not doing it's job and I spent the whole day in the hospital having a drain placed on the other side and spent the afternoon in the post-anesthesia with BP issues.
Everyone from the peri, radiologist on down the medical chain has been convinced that a few days with a drain and my body will do it's thing and then I will be healthy and done with this whole saga. This has not been the case. I have been back at the hospital each and every week since the boys arrived. NOTHING is ever normal when it comes to me.
Last week when I went to the hospital they did a bunch more tests assuming that this whole this was over. Nope still big pockets in my gut. They capped the drains, did some tests and on "accident" forgot to put them back on. So six hours later when I was again in extreme gut pain and went to the bathroom I noticed that I just had random tubes hanging out of my gut with nothing attached. Back down to the hospital I went at 6 pm at night to get more drains added.
It has been never ended since the first of the year. I finally got the original drain on the right side removed. Earlier last week after being a medical mystery for so long the peri finally sent me over to infectious disease doctors. The infectious disease doctors could not even believe I was walking around with how sick I have been. I think I may actually have some answers from infectious disease and maybe just maybe they can clear this whole mess up since clearly no one else can.
The boys are good, great even. I never thought in a million years that after all the things that I worried about and begged for that I would have to worry about my own life/health. I begged for these boys to live and be healthy. Apparently I forgot the part about myself.
One of these days I am going to be well again. In the mean time that will have to wait as I am already back at work because it's tax time (and my mom was just diagnosed with liver cancer)!

The story - in two parts (1)

2012-01-25T08:06:00.000-08:00

You all didn't think it was just that easy, did you?

We are talking about me here. Nine pregnancies, you didn't believe I could just go in for an induction and walk away with two charming baby boys, right?

And so it goes...

Friday December 9, 2011 I hadn't felt a whole lot of movement from Twin B. I had an appointment with the peri for a NST/BBP. Twin B gave us a bunch of trouble but the peri's office assured me that even though he was a trouble maker he was still doing ok. Twin A was doing really well. Just to be on the safe side they told me to come back in on Monday the 12th in the afternoon to make sure everything was still going well before my scheduled induction on the 13th. Plan was for me to go in on the evening of the 13th with a birth most likely on the 14th. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, plans that I make.
Over the weekend I could not feel Twin B move. I was super nervous but that was nothing new. I have been living that for YEARS!!!! I emailed the PA that I love at the peri's office privately. She and I actually happened to graduate high school together. She told me that I should go straight to the hospital if I thought something was wrong. I really did try to reign in my fear over the weekend and I decided that I could wait until Monday. If something was wrong then it was probably already done and I couldn't change it. I am crazy, I know!
Monday December 12th, 2011 I was crazy with fear. I had my last appointment with my therapist before I thought I was going to be induced. The more I talked about the situation the more paralyzed with fear I became. As soon as I arrived in my office my parents were all over my case with questions about how I was feeling (I had not been feeling well over the weekend). I let it slip about Twin B and mom too became crazed. I was coerced into calling the peri and asking for an earlier appointment. I got the PA on the phone and she told me to come right down to the office. I barely took time to turn off my computer.
I knew better than to call DH and let him know just how scared I was. Once downtown at the Dr.'s office again Twin B was ALIVE and MOVING but I literally could not feel it. I would watch on the ultrasound and see all kinds of movement and I literally could feel nothing on that side. It was weird and I felt stupid but, the doctor didn't think I was so stupid. His theory was that maybe we ought to get ourselves over to the hospital sooner rather than later. Nothing specific was happening but like he stated, twenty four hours one way or another isn't going to make a huge difference. Twin B for sure was giving us a run for our money while Twin A seemed to excel. It was about 11 am when I frantically began calling and texting my husband with no answer. I started to panic knowing that I needed to be at the hospital in two hours and I couldn't find my husband anywhere. I was already in a state of panic because of those boys and not being able to reach my husband at all was only adding to the mess. You would think when you have a wife that is 35w5d pregnant with your twin boys you would stick pretty close to a device where she could reach you if need be. Not my husband. So I called my mom and told her that I was on my way home to finish packing my bag and Izzie's bag. I was to be at the hospital at 2pm and I was so irrated that I couldn't reach my husband I told my mother that I was driving myself to the hospital and they could find me there.
Finally I got the brilliant idea that I could call my husbands office number and dial one number off and see if I could get an office mate. Lucky me I did indeed reach the person that shares an office with DH but he was vague and rude on the phone. We literally live a few blocks from DH's office and supposedly no one had seen him in "a while". When I pulled into the driveway and got out of the car, I see that my husband has decided to come for lunch. You better believe his ears were hurting after I laid into him. I still can't figure out with all my issues and all the things we have been through he wasn't tethered to his phone.
I finished packing my bag, went to lunch with my husband and parents and made it to the hospital by 2 pm as expected.
I thought the plan was to break my water as soon as we arrived and get the show on the road. At least that was the plan while I was in the peri's office. Apparently between when he decided that in the office and when he met me at the hospital he changed his mind. In the mean time in our multiples class I had become close with a triple mom that was set to deliver my c-section at noon and my doctor was delivering. So I know exactly where my doctors mind was in between when he saw me at the office and when we talked at the hospital hours and hours later.
The nurse had me change, and do the normal check-in/vitals stuff. She explained that instead of breaking Twin A's water that Dr. H. wanted to see if he could get me a bit more dilated. I was already at almost a two and 80% effaced I believe. I was also reminded both in the office several times and at the hospital several times that my doctor went off call at 7 am the next morning. I thought I was fighting against time to have these boys before seven am the next morning as I DID NOT want to have the other peri deliver for a number of reasons.
Labor was hard, I am not going to lie. I did dilate with help. I never had to have pitocin which was a huge blessing!!! At seven pm I was progressing nicely but I was still nervous about having Dr. H. deliver because I didn't think I was progressing fast enough. I was sure Dr. H. was going to come break my water any time but he didn't. The nurses changed shifts and I got these two yahoo nurses that were like Tweedle D and Tweedle Dumb. They were all about trying to keep both boys on the monitors at the same time which literally was impossible at this point. They wanted me tethered to the bed at all times. I was tolerating the intense pain fine if I could be up walking or rocking in the chair but not if I was on my back tetehred to the bed. It was about ten o'clock when I had enough and I was feeling really emotional about the whole situation. I was nervous about the doctor situation and I was in a LOT of pain. I gave the nurses an ultimadium, you either get my doctor in here right now AND I want an epidural too OR I am leaving this hospital. I figured I was being induced they could stop it at any time....and I was PISSED!!!
I know it was not much later but the timing is fuzzy that the nurses got a call from the OR, the doctor would be in to talk to me after his emergency csection and that the Dr. had made special arrangements that he would deliver my boys WHENEVER that time was and it did not matter on call or not. I know it was after midnight when he came to my room to tell me that I should have received the epidural earlier and that he was going to bed after three emergency csections that night. It wasn't two minutes later that the anestesiologist was there.
It was a long night made better by pain meds though to be honest I was numb in weird spots. The next day the 13th of December I labored fairly hard. By lunch time they wanted to give me time to "labor down". My BP had been all over the board over night because of the epidural. It was quite a battle, one unfortunately that followed me thoughout the labor, delivery and post-partum.
Finally they took me to the OR so I could begin to push. I gave one push as a trial and they rushed me to the operating room where they deliver twins. It only took me three or four more pushes and out Z (Twin A) came. B (Twin B) took the opportunity to move up and make himself comfy. He moved so far up that they tried a number of things to get him to move and he wouldn't plus he was having lots of decels. With every push Dr. H. told me that we were headed toward a section if things didn't improve. It wasn't until a few minutes later when Dr. H. told me that DH needed to leave the OR and they were putting me out. It was literally seconds before they had me knocked out. Before they could knock me out I began to cry and made Dr. H. promise that he would get Twin B out alive ( I probably should have told him I wanted to be alive too at the end of this - that's important later in the story). I also made it clear, as I had told him on numerous other occasions, please tie/knot/sailor knot/do whatever it takes to make it permanent their will be no more children from this body.
The next several hours are blurry...The boys were great and healthy. Everyone was relatively well except me. My BP kept giving me fits and it continued to be a problem. They finally took me downstairs to the mother/baby floor and all was well. I wasn't in a terrible amount of pain and it was pretty much managed while I was in the hospital. Dr. H. kept me in the hospital for an extra few days to keep me on IV antibiotics as they were nervous about infection in my csection wound. I went home on oral antibiotics to be safe as well. Twin B - Brodie gave a bit of trouble when we were ready to leave the hospital as since the boys were born before 36 weeks ( 1 day) they had to pass car seat tests before they could leave the hospital. What this means is the baby has to sit in the carseat, buckled in with out de-stating for 90 minutes. Mind you we live 7 minutes from the hospital on the freeway...Brodie could not pass. He could do it for 60 minutes and he could do it for 90 minutes IF he was not buckled but even the two special seats from the NICU didn't help. So that earned Brodie a trip to the NICU for two days. He finally went home in a preemie car seat after passing the test on a technicality even though he was way bigger than any of the preemies at 6 lbs 1 oz when he left.
All was well. I was healing nicely from my csection and the boys were doing well too. I finished my antibiotics on Christmas Day. And that's when the real fun began....

They have arrived

2011-12-23T15:21:00.000-08:00

Better let than never.

Zeke a. And Brodie S. arrived at

2:59 pm and 3:30 respectively on Tuesday December 13, 2011. Zeke arrived naturally after three pushes and his brother Brodie by emergency csection 31 minutes later.

I was supposed to be induced on the evening of December 13th but things never go as planned in my world.

Monday the 12th I was to have my last bps and nst. Over the weekend I could not feel baby b move at all and I was so nervous. I didn't want to seem crazy so I did not go to the hospital but when I called the peri's office on Monday morning they told me to come fight away. A plan was made and I was on my way to the hospital within a short amount of time. Just enough time to run home grab y bag and get to the hospital.

I will be back soon to post the whole story but for now everyone is home and healthy. So hard to believe that both boys are here and alive/healthy. I am never have to go though pregnancy or labor again and for that I am thankful. I have three beautifully awesome children and I am so grateful!

Thank you to all of you that helped me get here and all along the way!

And here we are

2011-11-30T08:22:00.000-08:00

Thirty four weeks today. Amazing, absolutely amazing that I have made it this far.
To be quite honest the last four weeks have gone by in a flash. I feel kind of like time is moving like a lightening bolt. Day to day not so much. I literally take things hour by hour.

I am completely overwhelmed with all things going on in my life. The babies, they are doing well. I go for twice weekly monitoring. That makes me a little more reassured but I won't feel confident until those boys are out and breathing on their own. Baby A is a wild child, very active and gets the hiccups A LOT. Baby B is very mellow and does his own thing. He takes practice breathes when he wants, he moves only when he wants (even after buzzers and bells). Baby B does things in his own time. It is interesting to see the differences in personality when they aren't even on the outside yet.

I am beginning to believe that maybe, just maybe in two short weeks we will have living babies to take home although I am not totally certain. Two weeks seems like a lifetime when you look at all the things going on in my life but in terms of gestating two kids it's nothing. Health wise things haven't been all that bad. My BG has been relatively stable though it's not as good as the endo wants my perinatologist is very happy. The endo can go back to doing his thing for right now as we seem to be doing just fine without his help (I am a little tweaked with the endo). Hour by hour we take things in our house, hour by hour.

Yesterday I had another discussion with the PA (that I love) at the peri's office. These two little guys (actually big guys) are supposed to arrive on December 14, 2011. We had planned for a scheduled c-section because both boys were breech and I was totally certain that our family would be complete after this pregnancy. Turns out hour by hour is how we need to live. Both babies are now head down (YEAH) but that also means that I have the option to deliver (induced) the way I had originally planned. Easier on me, MAY be easier on the babes but also creates other issues. If I have the scheduled section, we know the babies will be out in two to three minutes if need be. I can have my tubes tied and if their are ANY other problems I am already numb and set-up to be helped. If I let my body do it's thing there is no telling what could happen. I don't numb well and I don't exactly heal all that well either. Birth with my daughter was fairly easy as births go. I only pushed for 30 minutes and she was born healthy other than the cleft. I just don't know...I am waiting for my peri to return from Italy to get a feeling what he thinks I ought to do. We all want these babies here as safely as possible and if Dr. H. has a feeling one way or another than I would rather go that way.

I am beginning to get excited about the boys arrival but I am also a bit scared. A lot of cards have to fall into place just right. I know for a fact that I have no control over how any of this falls into place and that is the hardiest part of all.

We have a date

2011-11-01T14:58:00.000-07:00

30 weeks tomorrow. Thank goodness.

I had a fairly great weekend. My sister and my good friend threw me and the boys a surprise shower. I wasn't that surprised because people kept dropping lots of hints but it was so nice to be with friends and family that I rarely see. Some people didn't even know I was pregnant. It was interesting to find out how they determined who got an invite and who did not. I felt a little bad when I found out one of my friends who rarely blogs anymore was invited but didn't come. I totally understand why she didn't come. I felt bad even having a shower. If I would have known prior and could have said something I would have told my sister that I would have felt more comfortable doing something after they arrived. I got so many great things, several handmade that I love! I am so glad that they did the shower and we (me and more importantly the boys) all lived to tell about it.

This morning a had a BBP as I have had every week for the last several weeks. Boys are looking good, as is the fluid, placenta and all else. I was a bit nervous when we went for the OB portion of the visit and we were put on the surgical schedule. It sounds like December 14th, 2011 is eviction date. I would have waited a bit longer but given all things with my crazy body everyone wants these boys on the outside and safe. I really would rather have a va.gin.al birth but given my circumstances I want them safe. Baby A has been head in my ribs for the last four weeks as has baby b. Baby B FINALLY flipped head down last night and that was quite painful. Baby A would have to be head down for the doc to even consider letting me try for anything but c-section. We shall see how it all plays out but as of today our boys will have a birth date of December 14th, 2011. It all seems so real now.

I still have a LLLLOOONNNGGGG way to go but I know it will go fast. Six weeks until the boys arrive. Today I think I may just make it.

Talking it out

2011-10-27T13:05:00.000-07:00

Twenty nine weeks and counting down. It is so hard for me to believe that we may have babies in seven-ish weeks.

So far this pregnancy I have worried about how things would end up an awful lot. It does not matter how far away I try to push these feelings, it's always something. An insensitive comment can put me in a tailspin for hours even days sometimes. It's a number of things and as I have said before my give-a-shit meter for other peoples problems is pretty much at zero. I used to be a very sympathetic person and I still can be to an extent but it seems as though when I lost my pregnancy in February it kind of all went to shit with my emotions too. I just don't care that much. That's the truth. I know everyone has problems and it is terrible for me to admit that I am tired of other's perceived problems. I realize that I shouldn't expect people to care about my problems if I don't care about their problems but it would be nice if people would take a step back and give a crap a little more. Just saying...

Anyway, that rant is probably for another time and another place. The real issue is that since March-ish of 2011 I have been seeing a therapist. We talk about all the crap in my head. Mostly I talk, she listens and nods her head a lot. I wait two or three weeks and do it all over again. It's a pretty good routine. To be quite honest I have had A LOT of worries with this pregnancy, none of which have come true thus far. In all of my previous pregnancies I had horribly vivid dreams about me and about any pregnancy I was carrying....and they most always came true. It is scary. This pregnancy I have had a lot of very vivid dreams and like I said their have been a lot of worries going through my head but no dead baby dreams that I can recall right off the bat.

So Tuesday of this week I was all set for a appointment with my therapist and then I was meeting DH downtown for a peri appointment to check out "the boys" (it's happening every week now). I did not go into the office and instead slept a little later and went off to my first appointment. Without thinking I quietly read a magazine and waited twenty minutes. Finally it dawned on me that I was the only one in the waiting area and all the other therapists had come and gone with patients. It occurred to me that maybe my appointment had been changed and/or something had happened. The receptionist never said anything to me but when I looked at my phone I noticed that 50 minutes prior she had called to tell me that my appointment needed to be changed. I did so with the receptionist and then went on my merry way. Except...I really needed that appointment. Like I said my therapist doesn't talk a whole lot ( I probably don't let her get a word in edgewise) she is supposed to be some highly respected therapist in the pregnancy arena. She probably is highly respected I just don't get that from the feedback I get from her. Anyway, I really need those appointments to talk out my worries. Apparently more than I realized. Since Tuesday, granted it has only been two nights but both nights I have had these awful dead baby dreams and it is really starting to freak me out. Therapist can't see my for two weeks and when I told my family they brush it off like, well can you feel the boys move and all kinds of other things which are not helpful to me.

I am trying to talk to out and hoping that by putting it out hear maybe it will be out of my mind and I can move forward but to tell you the truth I am freaked out. Izzie woke me up at the very end of this last dead baby dream at 3:30 this morning. Thank g-d she came in my room and said she was having a bad dream and wanted to hop in bed. I needed a distraction. No joke. I tried to calm her by telling her it was OK and I was right there and we could talk about her bad dreams. I even told her I had a bad dream and it happens to everyone. An hour later she was asleep next to me quietly dreaming I am assuming happy thoughts while I laid with my eyes wide open for fear that the second I closed my eyes something was going to happen. The boys did give me a little kick to let me know they were still in there and active but that is no guarantee. I know lots of people are wishing that I would just shut-up already from all the dead baby drama. I too feel that way too, I want to be over it, I want not to feel this way, I would love to close this chapter and have a happy-ish ending (LIVE BOYS) but right now it feels scary and like it might now happen.

I know that my sister has some kind of great, wonderful, surprise for this weekend (and I am embarrassed to say this) but I am so freaked out something is going to happen and the surprise won't get to happen. Whatever it is I am sure it will be worth it but I am afraid I'll have to take this whole pregnancy thing back. I am sure she means no harm in planning a surprise but I am scared. Not for the surprise more for the what if it has to do with this pregnancy and I can't take it back.

As much as I don't want to admit it, for me it's not getting better, it's getting worse. Twenty nine weeks, one day.

The one where he shows he is human

2011-10-07T09:26:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday I had what I would consider the way a day should go. Go to the therapist, talk abut how screwed up I am and then later that same day go to the perinatologist, see beautiful pictures of my boys....and talk about how screwed up I am.

Lucky me, not just pregnant with twins but I "gots issues" too. Yeah me!

These last two weeks have been a huge struggle diabetes wise. My BG has been thru the roof, not just a bit higher, not a lot higher, like thru the roof, high as a kite. It has not mattered that I have upped my basal rates, tweaking them higher, higher, higher. In the last two weeks I have doubled my daily dose of insulin. We are talking about close to.....I am cringing as I type....180 units a day. I almost feel like I should open the vial of insulin and start gulping them like shots of caffeine. I have been in a pretty scary place with my BG. I would try to leave it at that but my BG doesn't just affect me anymore, it affects these two little beings that will be here in 9 short weeks or less...

To say I am scared about how my diabetes is affecting these babies is like the understatement of the year. S-C-A-R-E-D does not touch the tip of the iceberg. It's been bad. I had my first true freak-out last week while preparing for Rosh Hashanah. BG had been totally out of control, I was feeling awful due to both the BG and pregnancy but not complaining for fear someone might think I was ungrateful for this pregnancy. Tuesday night I had been up, no joke, every half hour going to the bathroom. It felt like I had ketones, a UTI and someone had hit me with a sledge hammer but I just couldn't put my finger on the issue. I had been to the kidney doc on Monday and he had praised just how well everything was going. I was pretty proud of myself other than these damn BG readings. The more insulin I gave myself it seemed the higher my BG went and my CGMS was not helping at all. It was giving me all kinds of false lows and other crazy readings. I finally pulled it and just let it sit on the charger for several days.

So Wednesday I am cooking for Rosh Hashanah with my mother and she is nagging me how I don't look good, have gone to the bathroom a million times and on and on and on. She begged me to the call the doctor and you know what I did. I had not felt the boys move in almost twenty hours and I was freaking out nervous something was wrong. Again, I didn't want to seem like the problem patient but Amie promised me that anytime I called she would take me seriously and that she would bring me right in, never a problem patient. And so I called...and she told me to come RIGHT IN. I did go in with my mother in tow. The boys were moving around doing all the things they were supposed to be doing and my mother like the proud Bubbe that she is sat enamored with the ultrasound screen. I think she never truly believes me when I explain how truly cool it is to see the boys do "their thing" on the ultrasound. I was given a script for an antibiotic to clear up the beginning of a UTI and reassured that everything looked spot on, except those pesky BG. While in the peri's office the endo's office FINALLY called me back but only to tell me that I was increasing my basals appropriately and to try using the backs of my arms as sites. I was not a happy camper. Back of the arm = my least favorite spot. I was sent on my way from Amie's office and told to come back this Tuesday for my regular appointment.

Finally on the antibiotics I felt better but my BG's were not budging. I knew this could not be good for the boys. This huge pit had taken up residence in my stomach worried about the harm that I was doing. Amie tried to reassure me that I was doing everything in my power to do everything right but it didn't help.

Tuesday rolled around and I basically spent my hour with my therapist blathering on about all the things wrong right now...including my health and all the ways in which my endo had failed me. It was a good hour and one in which I needed but ridiculous in that I can't believe that I actually felt like my endo had some fault in this for not telling me that this is pretty typical for a twin/Type 1 pregnancy. Really any pregnancy for a Type 1, at some point your BG just goes haywire. My hormones are like gi.rls go.ne wil.d.

I was excited to see the boys on ultrasound again and I knew that the specialists were doing a repeat echo so they could catch ALL the parts of the heart that they weren't able to catch the last time (tricky boys I have in my gut). I was nervous, as I always am when I go to the peri. Like a good little tech she showed me the HB's first. Most importantly they must have scrawled it all over my chart CRAZY LADY, tell her their is a HB first before moving on. The tech was good, they all are in the peri's office. They all know me and I am pretty sure they draw straws when I come in the door, they are afraid to scan me. Ultrasound went well. Dr. M. came in with three or four students to show them the "case". I assume he said "check this chick out"! Dr. M. deemed all things perfect so far but never asked about my BG. When they brought me in for my OB portion of my appointment Amie asked if I had discussed my BG issues with Dr. M. and I told her oddly he never asked. Sooooo, Amie went and got Dr. H. who will hopefully be catching/delivering the boys.

When Dr. H. walked in I honest to g-d have never felt better than when he put his hand on my back, turned around grabbed a seat, looked me right in the eye and said, "We ALL are as SCARED as you are". To some woman that might have placed more fear on their shoulders knowing that the high risk doctor was telling them that they were in fact also scared for the their patient but for me it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt so much better just knowing that Dr. H. really gets what I am going through. He didn't have any magic answers, he didn't do anything really special. What he did do is acknowledge just how freaking scary this is. We all are hoping that I make it. This pregnancy so far has been good, great in fact. But, to be honest we are all scared and it helps me to know that includes Dr. H. and his staff. They all want me to make and make it safely and everyone is doing everything possible to make that happen, me included.

My BG finally started to come down on Tuesday evening and I have even had a few low BG reactions. It's amazing....

Nine weeks or less until the boys arrive per Dr. H.

Next up....Multiple Blessings class and the Pain Olympics

24 weeks viability

2011-09-22T07:36:00.000-07:00

I did a happy dance when yesterday when I reached 24 weeks - viability. One big, huge sigh later and I feel an tinsy bit better. I know I have so many more milestones to reach with those boys and I have a long way to go but it feels like in a few short weeks (13 at the most) they will be here. I am both scared and excited.

Lots of change going on around these parts. Last week we got tangled up in a mess of a situation. We were taken extreme advantage of. DH and I bought stock in Izzie's preschool/daycare center. As part of that purchase when we started going you got a certain amount of daycare for free (it was like a prepayment) and then while the child was in daycare after your pre-payment period you received a discount. Only 15 parents were supposed to be shareholders, turns out that more like 52 parents were shareholders and the owner essentially took the money and ran. To make matters a bit worse we pre-paid for the twins daycare for next year. We made the owner sign a promissory note being as I have lost so many pregnancies and I did this back in June when I was barely 12 weeks. The only reason I even gave the money was she was supposed to be opening a woman's shelter and this was the last of the money she needed to do so. Their are about 300 to 400 children that were affected by this whole situation and we were able to see the writing on the wall and get Izzie into a better pre-school before the whole thing came crashing down but we still have lost out on the thousands of dollars that we paid for the twins. It makes me sick but I know their is nothing I can do.
Something will work out I am hoping. I have lots of balls in the air currently. I am trying to figure out what the heck I am going to do now once the twins arrive. Tax season will begin February first and that would be approximately the time that the twins would be going to daycare. It's all up in the air as is what the heck I am going to do with the rest of my life. Some changes have been going on lately with my office that I hope will have a decent outcome but I am so confused and it's all just a big mess right now.
The Jewish New Year is next week and I am hoping that with the New Year it will bring some new answers for our family. I have been thinking lately about all the new year's over the last sixish years. If all goes relatively well this should be the last New Year where I am praying to bring new members of our immediate family home. I so vividly remember five years ago sitting in synagogue dying of heat from all the fertility meds I was on praying that I would have some sort of resolution soon. My face was beat red, sweat was dripping down my dress, tears running down my face as the rabbi his speech. It's amazing and crazy all at the same time. I know that their will be many woman in the same place this year as I was five-six years ago and I so wish that I could say something to them, to know who they are so I could say something. I know not much helps when you are in that situation but I wish their was something I could do. I pray that this is the last New Year that I have to feel this way.

Because I am so good at being all over the place with every post, why not give you some more? Physically, I am feeling well. In just the last week or so my feet have started to swell a decent amount no matter the shoes I have on. I have gone back to sandals as they give me the most breathing room. I know that flip flops are horrible for your feet but I fear that come December or earlier they may be my only choice. Sleep is...difficult. No complaining here as I am so grateful to be in this spot but between my diabetes and this pregnancy I am praying that my kidneys make it. The bathroom count each night is at an ALL TIME HIGH!!! Almost every hour I am in there. It is insane. the dog even gives me the eyeball to tell me to go back to bed! All in all I am doing well. My emotions are a little rough around the edges but I am still keeping my head above water.

What to say, what to say?

2011-09-09T13:52:00.000-07:00

Every morning I thank the boys that I am one day farther (22w 2d) into this pregnancy and that they are still alive. I check in with all the blogs I read but first I take a look at this sad little page and think "what do I say"? How do I update? It's weird.

Let me back up a bit. About sixteen years ago my best friend in the whole world and I got in a huge fight. It had been brewing for months on end. I couldn't take it anymore. I said some really hurtful things that while true I also knew were very hurtful. After we had that fight and our friendship parted I made a mental note that I needed to be careful about what I said to people because once it had left my lips it could never be taken back. Yes, I could apologize but the words could never be taken back. Over the years and most especially with my friends and family I try to not to say things in anger that I know I can't take back. Or for that matter even if not in anger and I just say things without thinking I know I can't take back. I know most people do it and some people are more aware of what they say and how their actions affect people but it has been on my mind a lot lately.

I have been in this weird funk lately where I just don't want to put anything on here because I don't want to have to take things back. I feel like in the last six plus years I have had to take so many things back and I just want this RPL portion of my life to move on. It's never going away. I know that. After seven losses one doesn't just suddenly loose that portion of their life but I want to move forward. I count down each days until these two little miracles can arrive on the outside safely and I hope healthy but I am nervous. I want to move past all the pregnancy worries. I want to be done with this portion of my life. I truly am not complaining about this pregnancy. I wouldn't DREAM of making any kind of statements like that but, to be honest I just want these babies on the outside. I want to have my tubes tied and move on with my life. I understand that I have Type 1 diabetes and until their is a cure that will always be a part of my life but want to be able to take something off my list of struggles. I so badly want for the middle of December to arrive and for these two little guys to be hear and alive. Everyone (friends, family) knows that this is the end of the line for children for me. I am done if these boys are born alive. I say it all the time. Frankly not that many people know I am even pregnant. I refuse to post it on FB or anywhere else.

I am also feeling a little weird because last week their was a lot of talk about this meme that was going around on FB "I am ____ weeks and craving ____" or something similar. I got the email from my very fertile SIL but didn't really think it all the way through. I have made my immediate family crazy with the idea that they may tell people that I am pregnant but it cannot go on FB or any such site. So why did I look at the forward from my SIL not think it was about pregnancy, not realize it was not helping to prevent ANYTHING and then post? What was I thinking? I have had 7 losses, pregnancy is no joke, I have several friends/relatives battling breast cancer, why did I not think about it and know? I could be a total ass and blame it on pregnancy brain but you know what? That's not true...I just was not thinking. It wasn't until a little while later when I really started to see lots of my friends and family posting that I realized what the hell it meant and what it was saying and then I was mortified. Absolutely mortified. I went right into my status update and deleted it even though a few people had already commented. What was I thinking? Am I one of those assholes too?

It makes me nervous every time I come to this spot and want to say all kinds of things and make all kinds of updates on Izzie and this pregnancy and all sorts of other things but then I have to take a step back and think, will I have to take it back.
It just reinforces to me what I have thought for such a long time once you say something you can never take it back.

The Reveal

2011-08-05T10:16:00.001-07:00

A few weeks ago when I had an ultrasound I knew that I might be on the very cusp of being able to see what in fact the two little cherubs might be. From the first day that I knew that I was pregnant it has been at the top of my mind to connect with these little ones and know what gender they were. This was something that obviously I never got to find out last time.

It honestly breaks my heart every single day to think about all the things that went wrong AFTER I found out that the last baby (fetus) no longer had a heartbeat. This post is not and should not be about the last pregnancy but it's true that from that day (no HB) forward it has colored my whole life. Like it or not.

Sooooo...a few weeks ago I knew that it might be possible to get a glimpse of what these kiddos genders might be. Since I am sure it is scrawled in BIG RED LETTERS all over my chart "PROBLEM PATIENT" they all knew I wanted to find out genders as soon as possible. Two weeks ago these babies were being stubborn but for a brief second Baby B flopped open their legs and ALL BOY was revealed. We were excited to find this out and I was sure that Baby A was going to be a GIRL. Though in the back of my mind all along I have convinced myself that these two babies had to be the same gender because they were always within one or two beats for a heart rate.

Once my family knew that I KNEW one of the genders they were on my case for answers. DH and I had decided that we were under no circumstances spilling the beans until or next scan when we knew we would be able to have BOTH genders to reveal. I planned a gender reveal pizza party for August 2, 2011 at our house where BOTH genders would be revealed. And don't think my family didn't try to get it out of four year old Izzie because they certainly did. We didn't even tell Izzie she was going to get two siblings or that I was pregnant until Monday after daycare. I have dropped hints here and there but the last time I was pregnant we told her right before we found out the baby had died.

Monday morning bright and early on the 1st of August DH and I went into the Dr. and had another ultrasound and check. We found out that both babies were BOYS!!! Hard to believe that I MAY get to be a mother to two boys! Shocked does not even begin to explain what I was feeling....and what do I do with all this girl STUFF I have from Izzie. I thought she might be our only so I have sort of gone overboard.
Over the next 36ish hours my family tried all they could to get it out of me, DH and Izzie but we were not budging. Izzie didn't even know. We had everyone over for pizza and cake/cupcakes to our house. It was a bunch of fun. I had a cake made at one of the local bakeries that had two layers, one for each baby. I let the grandmothers (Bubbe and Nana) cut intot he cake to reveal to everyone else what these two little babies would be. I even requested that everyone dress according to their predictions.Their were a handful of people (includingmy mother and DH's father) who guessed correctly. The whole party seems like it is silly but it was a little bit of joy to see all my family there to share with us something about this pregnancy. And darn it, it was FUN! Well, except for the part where Izzie cried when she found out she was getting TWO BROTHERS! She has gotten over it pretty quickly. Frankly I think she still isn't really sure what is going on and she keeps telling us she is going to have a brother AND a sister. We shall see how this all pans out when we hopefully bring home two brothers.

I'm still here and hanging in

2011-08-01T11:53:00.000-07:00

Most exciting news in our little family. Today we found out genders (I am not going to post it today as some of my family reads this blog though I don't know how often they check in anymore)!!!!

I'm still hanging in with the pregnancy. I am 16 weeks 5 days today, both babies were measuring ahead (17w 3d and 17w 4d). I've decided that though it is one pregnancy that it is numbers 9 AND 10. That way I can say that pregnancies five and ten were the charm. Both babies A and B looked good this morning. Both still alive, with beating hearts and lots of movement. I am still one scared mama but I have been in to see Amie and the doctors almost every two weeks. They ALL know the kind of mind games that are going on in my head. They don't even barely ask anymore how long in between appointments I want to go. I will wait three weeks until my next appointment.

It's all been a little crazy this time around with pregnancy. I feel good but have had some moments where my body has told me to slow way down and rest. I am usually the type to burn the candle at both ends. I have had lots of moments of shear terror. I so badly want to believe that these babies will be born alive and healthy. But sometimes the fear over runs me. Just last night I was using my Doppler (BEST PURCHASE EVER) and I said to DH after I heard both heartbeats, "At least I can tell them tomorrow (today) that both were alive at 10 pm central time). DH reminds me that all will be well and good but it is so hard for me to believe that. I am learning to be better. I thank the twinkles every single night for staying alive for another day and pray that they have heartbeats and continue to be healthy each day. One day at a time. I am continuing to see a therapist once or twice a month just for a "How are you holding up" appointment. I want to let her go but I fear I can't. What if something happens?

Tonight we plan to tell Izzie that she may get TWO little babies. I bet she won't be thrilled. We have tried this out on her a couple of times and the results....MOM, it would not be cool to have two babies. We shall see. Tomorrow night we are hosting a gender reveal party at our house. I am pretty excited about this. Their are rarely things anymore that to do with pregnancy that I get to be excited for. Nervous, YES, stressed, for sure, and definitely anxious. Our immediate family is coming and I have the surprise genders hidden in a cake that Bubbe will get to cut into. Nana had the opportunity but apparently she has something more important to do. I am hoping the party turns out like I planned with no big surprises except the reveal however I know how things always turn out. Let's hope for the only surprise to be the gender reveal.

Blogger is being a boob and I have tried and tried to update but it keeps deleting my posts. I promise to try and come back and update. I have tried to comment on lots of blogs but again blogger is being a jerk. I am still reading and now that I am wishing lots of you luck on your journeys.

Slow and Steady

2011-06-16T14:04:00.000-07:00

First, I want to say Happy 9th Anniversary to DH!!!! Hard to believe that we have been married for nine years. Izzie was our fifth anniversary present and I am crossing all things possible that in 6 months we will have two pre-tenth anniversary presents!

The whole thing is a bit nerve wracking but the good news is that hopefully slow and steady wins the race. I met with Amie at the peri's office this last Monday. I was so thankful that she called me back last week after my RE appointment screaming how excited she was. It helps to hear how excited she is. Even though she has no control (nor do I) how this all turns out it really made me feel good that she told me she checked her VM at the office at six am that morning but was so excited she couldn't wait until 8 to call. Hence the call at 7:30 am (which was just fine).

Everything looks well with both little miracles. I am calling them Lucky and Charm. Dumb I know, but I have to have something to call them. I talk to them each night before I go to sleep. I just want them both to hang on. They both look really good, both measure right on target 9even a day ahead), good HB's and all. I feel pretty good. I have had some tummy issues but turns out that could be related to too much thyroid medicine. The whole thyroid issue is still pretty new to me so I guess I don't totally know the signs to be looking for. The problem is easy enough to fix.

I had a nice talk with Dr. H. after my ultrasound and meeting with Amie. I needed to let him know where I stand on certain issues. Dr. H. seemed so excited and happy to see me in the office and pregnant (with twins none the less) and even more happy that it just "happened". Who knows...I believe it is because of some of my other "issues" I will be delivering between 34-36 weeks with the understanding that should anything go "wrong" (his words not mine) those babies will be out as soon as they need to be. I am hoping to cook them as long as possible but let's be honest, my body is a baby killer. Let's keep them only as long as they need to be in there. Because I am crazy I am shooting for a vaginal delivery. Dr. is good with this as long as the first one is head down. Let's me honest, all I really want is here...alive...and I do hope for healthy for all of us.

We have told all our family. According to my husband it doesn't make a difference in my case whether we tell early or wait until 12 weeks, it doesn't change the outcome. I guess he is right and therefore we have told all our immediate family. We won't be telling other for a good long while. I wonder when I will start to show with twins? Some things are already a bit short but to be honest I am fat and who knows what is baby/ute growth and what is FAT! I never moved my maternity clothes back into the basement, I just moved them to another bedroom. We are converting that room into a laundry room and construction starts on Monday. Not quite sure yet what to do with those clothes, keep them upstairs or move them down. It will probably be a split decision on Sunday night.

Most exciting thing this last week was Izzie's 4th birthday. Hard to believe she has been here for four years. We rented out the aquatic center by us and invited all our family and lots of her little friends. My dad has been in town since last week (and needs to be entertained) between him and Izzie's party, plus DH's birthday and my two nephews birthdays this week I am exhausted.

I am hoping for continued good news in two weeks when I go back to the peri's office. Still being optimistic this is all going to work out.

Fear

2011-06-06T17:10:00.001-07:00

Eight weeks five days....thank you, thank you, thank you.

I have made it this far. I have been so scared the past few days that something wasn't right. Two weeks between appointments for me is like two years. Every day for the last two weeks I have wanted to call the RE's office and say that I had bleeding or some other lie just so I could get in earlier. Not that I would want ANYTHING to go wrong but scared does not even begin to explain what I have been. I decided that I just had to be positive today, I just had to be.

I was so nervous driving to the Dr.'s office. I played the song I played all the time while I was pregnant with Izzie in the hopes that it would help me. I held her two little princess dolls while the nurse began the ultrasound. I let her know how terribly nervous I was. She even mentioned that I was making her nervous with how nervous I was. When she began the ultrasound I said please just let me know that we have a heartbeat. She had the screen turned toward her and not me. I thought that might be a bad sign. She hesitated and then said that their was a great HB. Thank G-D!!!! And then....she mentioned that she saw not one but TWO heartbeats!!!

OMG!!!! I was so convinced that I was carrying twins before I went in for my first ultrasound. That or maybe it was ectopic but I really had not had any symptoms of an eptopic. My symptoms for a regular pregnancy have not been that bad. I don't know, it's all very weird. Of course we are thrilled. The nurse said she was nervous to tell us as apparently usually when she tells couples they have the opposite effect that we did. We are over the moon excited. I still think it's too early to tell anyone other that YOU and our family. DH got in the car an immediately called one of his sister's. I had planned to wait and tell our families when we were all together maybe this weekend for Izzie's birthday or on Father's Day when I planned to have everyone over.

I emailed my endocrinologist office this evening. Funny thing happened this morning apparently, I wish I could have been a fly on the wall. My step father is a patient of the same endocrinologist I see. This morning my step father had an appointment. They had words about my (what does that say about HIPPA laws?). My step father really read Dr. T. the riot act about my situation and told him he better figure out how to help me because this is all just ridiculous. Funny thing is that Dr. T. had no idea I was pregnant again. I hadn't emailed them my BG or even emailed the office to get extra follow-up. It hasn't helped in the past so I figured until i knew things were on the right path their was no need to email or call them. Turns out Dr. T. said he was going to review my chart and call the perinatologists to consult. Yeah, ooopss they don't know yet either. Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. I graduated from the RE today so I would have had to let them know anyway but it's all a little crazy.

TWINS!

Houston, we have a heartbeat

2011-05-23T13:24:00.000-07:00

6w5d measuring 6w4d - HB 143

thank g-d!

The Vacation

2011-05-22T17:41:00.000-07:00

and a surprise...

Our vacation was so wonderful, everything I could have dreamed of and more. It was mostly all about Izzie and all the things she wanted to do. We stayed at a great resort in St. Pete Beach, FL. It had a million things to do, a ton of places to dine and places to see or you could do nothing at all. Of the seven days we were there we mostly did not much. We spent a lot of time in the sun, sand, and water. The resort has six pools. One was specifically "NO CHILDREN ALLOWED", it even had quiet hours though I did not take advantage. I could see several couples in that pool gazing over at the children's pool while hanging out in the adult pool. I sure wonder what was going through their minds.
We took Izzie to the Magic Kingdom one day. It was pretty amazing to watch it all through her eyes though I am glad we only did it one day. Disney is pretty overwhelming for a almost four year old. We also spent the afternoon at Busch gardens on Thursday. They have an area that is all for younger kids that is Sesame Street themed. We spent all afternoon in that area and when Izzie wanted to go back to the hotel we did just that. The price tag for an afternoon in a theme park where all we did was go on three rides and play in the splash pools was hefty. No argument from me though, it was worth it.
The breeze on the beach was cool but the sun was HOT! We really did enjoy our time in St. Pete. It was just what I had in mind for a vacation of relaxation. Tomorrow morning bright and early we are back to work and preschool. My step sister got married today and I wasn't there. I am at peace with it and even happy. I saw on FB that someone has already posted pictures of them as they were having there first dance and while they were getting married. I don't want to seem like the bitchy step-sister that I really am but she didn't look good. I feel sorry for her but you know what, it's the wedding she wanted. I hope she is happy, I wish her no ill will.

And for the shocking news (which won't be shocking to you but was to me): Pregnant again.

The Thursday before we headed out for vacation I had decided that if I wrote a letter to the baby that I lost in February and sent it off in the ocean while on vacation maybe it would help me to move forward. So, I did just that. At four o'clock on Thursday afternoon I sat down on my office computer and wrote a letter to "BOB" in seven point font. I spelled it all out and made a wish at the end. I printed the letter and wrapped it in a small square to put in my purse and take to the beach. I figured their would be a night that I would have the opportunity to take a few minutes to myself at the beach. Thursday night I was packing our suitcases and getting things ready for the trip. When I was digging through my drawers looking for something I found a couple cheapie pee sticks. My cycle was all screwed up and I was not planning on getting my period until the week we were going to be on vacation. I was certain that I had not ovulated until day 26, which is unheard of for me. I had commented to DH that it was nice not to worry about a pregnancy this month because we were not going to start trying until at least July or August. Dr. C. wanted to do a couple more tests.
So, as a joke to myself I slid into the bathroom while Izzie was watching a movie (DH was at a concert with his sister). I peed on the strip and wouldn't you know as soon as it touched it immediately turned dark with two lines. As I am repeating the "oh shit, no way" in my head, I know I can't say it out loud. Who can I call? Who could I tell? We were to leave for the beach early am on Sunday morning. This all happened at 9:30ish in the evening. Sooo, I got on Fac.eboo.k and thank g-d my friend was online. I am sure she was heartbroken as I told her what had just happened. She has been through 8 losses herself and she is leaving this week for NY to get another opinion. I was so thankful I could talk to her and she surely calmed me down. It's just that I generally don't get SURPRISE pregnancies. I could feel her pain, I know how I would feel if the roles had been reversed but she was super kind to me. She probably got off the phone with me and cursed me out but in that moment she talked me down and even offered me her Loven.ox (thanks Wifey).
I frantically emailed Dr. C (the RE) to figure out what to do, what I needed to start. I was literally in a tailspin freaking out. I waited until DH got home but wasn't quite sure how to break it to him. Remember, he is the one that is good with just Izzie. He was ok with getting off the crazy train. Me not so much. Bright and early on Friday I went in for a beta HCG. I was told that I would know with in the hour but didn't get a call back until 1:30 or so. My number was 14,000. Holey crap!!!! Of course given when my LMP was that number is VERY HIGH. They wanted to schedule an ultrasound for last week but remember I was getting ready to get on a plane for the beach. What to do, what to do. They told me what to look for with an ectopic (which I had not even thought about) and had me fill a bunch of scripts and made me an ultrasound for 5-23-11. I know that it is all going to work out this time. This pregnancy is going to go smoothly and we are going to have a baby/babies come December/January. Please say a extra little prayer if you can. If you can't and you made it this far and now you want to throw up with all the times that I have been pregnant. I understand and I still like you.
Tomorrow at 1:10 we find out what is going on. I am praying for at least one beating heart in there. Beyond that I am just hoping for a miracle!

Grief

2011-05-11T12:29:00.000-07:00

There is no good way to jump into this subject but here I go.

As I have said previously I decided with some urging that maybe I should seek some talk therapy to get out what I need to say. I feel like with this space though I know I can write freely sometimes I have to hold back or choose not to write many times because their are many IRL people that know me and have read my blog. I want it out there but it's hard to say exactly what you are feeling. In any case with some urging I called around and was able to find someone to meet with that is a good listener. I was a bit disappointed to wait and wait and wait to hear from the woman that both my RE and Peri suggested. She did finally call me back but I had been meeting with the other therapist for a week before I even heard from the recommended one.

My therapist is skilled in all issues related to pregnancy. My sense is that she does not have a whole lot of experience in pregnancy loss. I think that she understands but it makes the dynamic a little weird. Pregnancy loss is not like losing a parent or best friend. I am sure that in the general loss community all people experiencing loss get grouped into one big ball but I just don't think it's all the same.

After a few sessions with her I let her know that I really wasn't sure how effective talking to her is. I feel like I need to get to a place on my own where I can move forward. Notice I said "move forward" not "move ON". In my book these are two totally different things. In the mean time the therapist among all the other things going on in my life has been trying to help me understand how she can help. My question to her in our last session was, how do I keep myself sane if we ever are able to get pregnant again? I understand that I can take the meds and make the changes that the doctors have suggested but how do I make it through day to day knowing that this all could happen again. I will live in fear, please I have lived in fear since the first time it happened. It has only worsened. I could list ALL the things that I do/don't do when I am pregnant (you don't even want to read the list it is so expansive). The therapists answer was in order to move forward and not be fearful with the next pregnancy I need to grieve this last pregnancy.

I can't picture what it means to grieve. What does that mean? Does it mean cry (check), scream (check), talk about the unfairness of it all (check), wrack your brain for better ways (check), try different things (check), tell others about it (check). I just don't know. I feel like I have grieved this last pregnancy, I have grieved but I have to pick myself up and move forward. I don't feel like I can or am able to sit and dwell on how horrible my situation has been. Yes, I know I have done a lot of that in this space but in my general life I don't think people really know just how crappy I really feel. My way of grieving has been to do all the things I have listed above including ridding myself of friends and problems that just don't matter to me or my life. If it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of life I just don't care anymore.

According to my therapist I should be crying about these horrible things that have happened to me so that I can grieve and make it easier the next time should it actually happen. I feel like I have already done that. So tell me what do you think grieving this pregnancy means so that I can move forward?

2011-04-28T11:25:00.000-07:00

All I ever write about anymore are all these damn doctors appointments. That needs to change (but probably isn't happening in this lifetime).

Today I met with my endocrinologist ( I was looking for the right word but it just hasn't come to me). I had kind of worked myself about this meeting. The guy didn't really even have a chance. I had already made up my mind that I was tweaked. I will remind you that this is the same endo that I received all my chart from including his patient notes from records 2005 through current. Not good. I had been preparing myself for what I wanted to say. Let me get something traight before I go on. This guy is a nice guy to your face. Again, to your face. He and I have been on very different pages on several issues and to my face he is pretty good but get him on the phone (or patient notes) and he is totally different obviously!

Normal idle chatter with the nurse as I was called back, weight and finger poke for the A1C. I had uploaded my sensor yesterday so the staff could get Dr. T. my numbers before my appointment. A quick run down of all my meds current and past and then it was sit and wait. The nurse whom I like well enough has been through quite a bit of infertility herself and though she does not have diabetes on top of that I am sure she gets it. She is probably in her later fifties/early sixties and she has shared some of her struggles with me before. I am sure she was scared to death to say anything to me about this most recent loss. Mostly idle chat with the nurse except when she took my BP and of course this came back sky high. I wonder why? I mentioned that I had some issues and that in the future maybe it would be wise to send patients what they requested and possibly not the doctor's patient notes. Maybe it was an oversight on the staff mangers part OR maybe NOT?

The Dr. T. strutted in, we exchanged pleasantries and he handed me my A1C (5.8). My A1C was up from when I was pregnant but it was certainly a good enough number to "try again". I think he was waiting to see where I was going to go but I didn't give up anything. I let him ask his questions. Most of what he did during the appointment was try to convince me that I needed to go onto the De.xcom 7 and go off my Min.i.med sensor. I can't for the life of me figure out what the hell this guy has with the other sensor but the last several appointments he has been going on and on and on about how I need to switch. I did trial the De.xcom before I went on my current one ( it was literally the week before the 7+ came out). It didn't do anything for me. At least it didn't do anything better for me than the one that I am one.

Apparently Dr. T. speaks out of both sides of his mouth. In previous pregnancies he has been all about how my BG needs to be as low as possible. Literally in my last two - three pregnancies my BG has been running anywhere between 40-75. Do you know how incredibly, incredibly hard it is to function with a BG like that? Almost impossible. The perinatologists kept telling me "TO LOW, WAY TOO LOW", but Dr. T. kept saying it's not all that low and you are not that low all day and night long. I mean holy crap....Sooooo, I mentioned to him on every occasion possible with this last pregnancy that the peri's were concerned. Dr. T. essentially turned his head the other way and I on a few occasions told the peri's that I was going to go with there guidelines for the week as I just couldn't function during tax season as 40 ( oh my g-d, the things I will do to try to stay pregnant). So, that brings me back to today's appointment. Dr. T. tells me that "this" is maybe why the baby died. Maybe my BG was too low, but nobody really knows why pregnancies go wrong. I hear this a lot. I have been tested for a lot of things that I apparently don't have but I do have a lot of other "issues" stacked against me. I find it very hard to believe with the way I manage my diabetes that it has much to do with my losses. Their are a fair number of woman who get pregnant with higher A1C's in the 9's and 10's and beyond, have a decent pregnancy and have minimal issues with birth and after. I guess I am my own kind of "special". Dr. T. then brought the conversation full circle by telling me that if I was on the De.xcom that I would have a better end result for pregnancy. It made me laugh, I mean really and truly I laughed OUT LOUD.
Beyond how utter stupid this made him sound don't you think that the MONEY could be an issue. I have ONLY had my current sensor for a little over a year. Who is going to pay for this new system? Dr. T.? My insurance? Yeah, I don't think so!

I let Dr. T. know several times in my appointment that I was most disturbed by what was in my patient notes and that in the future he probably should not be including those in packets where the patient has requested their previous labs. Just a thought considering all he said about me. I may say rude things about my clients after they have left my office and may even curse them after I have hung up the phone but you can be certain I would never write it in their client file nor write it ANY place where their is potential for a client to see it.

I left Dr. T.'s office feeling a bit more empowered for standing up to him once again and for letting him know that he has some work of his own to do.
I was feeling pretty good that is until I got to the check-out desk where I made my appointment and I was trying to be a nice person (for my step-father). I was asked earlier in the week if I would pick up a bag of Humalog for my Step-father. He goes to the same group of doctors and they all use the same educators. The educator Dawn and I are tight. You know we are like BFF and all since over the course of EIGHT pregnancies I have had to email my BG to them EVERY WEEK. Any how, my step-dad mentioned to Dawn that I would be in later in the week and could I just pick that insulin up for him. She agreed and said she would put his name on it and put it in the fridge up front for me. Well imagine that....I wasn't able to pick it up for him. The whole office are a bunch of asshats ( I could have told you this). After giving me a bunch of grief I told them that maybe they ought to go talk to Dawn. Twenty minutes later the insulin was handed over.

Just goes to show you that no good deed goes unpunished.

THe RE appointment

2011-04-22T13:05:00.000-07:00

I got what I expected out of yesterday's appointment. It is useless to do the one blood test that I have not had done. Given my other issues it won't make a difference one way or another. Heparin it is from this point forward should their be any future pregnancy.

Sitting in the waiting area for almost fifty minutes was almost torture for me. I felt bad waiting because I knew DH had appointments that he was missing in order to come with me. I tried to stay calm it was difficult. So many unhappy men and women in the waiting room. Several of the woman sat in chairs and cried, one was crying as she came into the office. I don't know anyone else's situation but I kind of wanted to scream from the rooftops "BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR". For many of those women I know they would do anything just to be pregnant. Obviously I didn't say anything but for a brief few minutes I joined in on the tears. They need to hand out tissue packets at the door.

The one thing that made the appointment better is the doctor was SO sympathetic. I mean over and above any doctor I have ever been to. I knew he was a nice guy from our previous appointments with him but he spoke to me like I was his sister, cousin, wife. It was so nice. He answered ALL of my questions, gave me opinions on some other things I wanted to try and generally made it more of a counseling session (apparently I need that). I wanted with all my heart not to cry when I sat down but the first thing he asked me was to fill him in on what had been going on since September (even though he had heard most of it through email). I cried A LOT! I completely glossed over the whole situation with the Dr./hospital. Really it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, it only matters to me. I mean "mistakes" happen. I did explain my situation with my endo and all the things that were written in my chart. He was so kind and he told me to call him ANYTIME their was a situation that needed clarification with the endo or something I needed help with. I did make me feel better, especially since I have an appointment with the endo next week.

The whole appointment in retrospect did not last that long. I had already made up my mind before I went in to the appointment about moving forward but I wanted to be sure that I asked if other treatments would be helpful to me. I think we are all on the same page, I have crappy luck. Especially because we have no remains from any pregnancy, we will never know if each situation was different or we are dealing with the same problem. I have a lot of things stacked up against me but I know that I can carry a pregnancy to term and I intend to do it again dammit.

Dr. C. did ask DH how he was doing; how he was dealing with all of this. I am pretty sure that DH puts up the really good tough front "I'm fine" but I know he has got to be sad. He just wants it all to be over with.

I still have a lot of stress in my life beyond this pregnancy crap that I am trying to deal with. I spent the few days away from the office that I have had doing crap for my step-sisters wedding. I feel bad for my mother that she has all of this stuff to do and so I have been helping her but I just can't do any more. I made my decision to cut myself off from my step-sister and her life. I don't want any part of helping with this wedding and today I finally had to put my foot down and say I can't do any more. I just can't. I am looking forward to the beach vacation with DH and Izzie during the week leading up to my step-sisters wedding. We arrive home the afternoon that she getting married but the wedding is six hours away. I intend to sit on the beach and not think about my family, only my immediate family. I am also looking forward to a trip to Vegas for a week in July.

I am trying to distract my mind with other things. My body needs some time just to take a breather and move forward too.

Waiting to hear crickets

2011-04-20T15:01:00.000-07:00

Thank goodness I FINALLY have a few days to myself now that tax season is over...and I survived.

Tomorrow is my WTF appointment with my RE. Should be interesting...I guess. I do not expect to get answers nor to be any further along in my journey when I leave his office tomorrow. DH and I had a nice discussion the other night after my prompting. I just wanted to know where he stood on the whole "next pregnancy". HAHAHA, it's nuts to even write that. NEXT PREGNANCY, WTF seriously. I understand where DH is coming from. He is content with just Izzie. He doesn't want me to hurt anymore, he doesn't want me to keep going through all of this. For me, we all know it's just not enough to stop. I think I was pretty much able to get out all that I needed to in our conversation. I was really honest and I don't think I said anything that DH didn't already know.
I hadn't even really intended to ask him to go with my to my appointment tomorrow but I decided I really needed him there.

I have been reading the book "Coming to Terms" by Jon Cohen. It really has highlighted several things for me. RPL is one messed up situation. That was already clear to me but it has for sure brought that to the forefront again for me. I am only half way through the book but I will be interested to see what I learn. All the research is just so confusing with NO answers. Even the things that I have researched myself I come up with NOTHING.

We shall see how this all pans out.

I'm still here

2011-04-08T07:36:00.000-07:00

****Anyone know why blogger takes my spacing out between my paragraphs. I keep editing it but it doesn't stay? Hanging in... Pregnancy #8 is going to affect me for the rest of my life. I am now fairly certain that each and every day for the rest of my life it will haunt me. Whether it is through dreams, interactions with clients, friends, family or my own crazy mind it just doesn't stop. I can function and I can be happy and move forward but I am haunted by the way the situation ended, all of it. I did start seeing someone a few weeks ago to help me talk some things out. She is skilled in pregnancy issues though does not have a whole lot of experience in RPL or infertility. The few times that I have been there I feel like I have oral diarrhea but once my time is up I leave feeling a bit more free and clear. It's nice. I don't know that I REALLY need it, but even if it's just for a few times I do think it has helped. I had requested my labs from my endocrinologist knowing that I had some testing done that the RE would want to take a look at. What I received was my whole chart from 2005 forward. It was quite eye opening to look at my chart and see what the doctor wrote about me. I have taken personal offense to several things in my chart and I am most disturbed. I intend to take a couple of the points up with him at the end of this month when I see him. I spent a good portion of my last session with the therapist speaking about this. My feeling always has been that I know my body best. Just because you are a doctor it does not make you g-d. Please be respectful and try to work well with other practitioner's. It is amazing that doctors don't' have their patients best interest in mind when you have what I preceive to be a BIG issue. Changing the subject but not much. I have booked a beach vacation for DH, Izzie and I. I need to get away post tax season and clear my mind. The vacay isn't happening until several weeks after tax season however it does happen to coincide with my step-sisters wedding which I WILL NOT BE ATTENDING. My whole family was convinced that I would have a change of heart and would come and put differences aside but I just can't do it. It kills me that my daughter, the only one I may ever have will not get to be the flower girl but I just can't do it. I really want to tell the whole story but with all my mind clutter it is probably better left for another time. It is too bad that after the nineteen years that we were very close it is left to this but I refuse to be treated like a piece of trash. I am looking forward to my WTF appointment with my RE the 22nd of April and keeping my eye on the beach vacay in May.

Taking a deep breathe

2011-03-25T13:35:00.000-07:00

The lead-up to my appointment with the peri's office was not good. Lots of tears, lots of deep breathing in order to get me to my appointment. DH had not planned to go to my appointment with me on Monday. I am sure he has had quite enough of that office already and bad things always seem to happen when we go.

As I have said before whenever I have "deal" with something regarding this last pregnancy it really sends me into a tailspin. For a few days I am doing well and I think I am moving forward and then at random times during the day I start crying, get angry, feel nauseous and know it has to do with something that has to do with this last pregnancy. It pretty much just sucks. Their is no other way to explain it.

So Sunday night I had quite a bit of trouble falling asleep in anticipation of my Monday appointment with the perinatologists office. I actually had made several calls later last week to see if I could get in with a therapist to help talk some things out. Not one of them returned my calls. It turns out that their are TWO therapists in my city that do indeed specialize in infertility but neither one had returned my calls. The other three people had waiting lists. My friend who is a therapist suggested a few names and I decided after my Monday appointment that I did NEED to talk to someone.
Monday morning I had myself all worked up. My parents (I work with them) saw how visibly upset I was and wanted to make certain that I was not going to the appointment alone (which I was). DH doesn't really seem like he wants to talk about things and as much as I have tried to talk with him he just doesn't want to talk about it. So by the time 10 am rolled around and I had been totally unproductive I decided maybe I needed DH to be with me. I sent him an email and he quickly replied that YES he would meet me at the docs office.
Walking into the doctors office a woman and her male partner were OOOHHHING and AAAHHHING over ultrasound pictures. I have no idea what there circumstances were but it didn't matter, I was back to lots of tears. As hard as I tried to hold back the tears they burst out and the receptionist took me right back to a private sitting area before I could even check myself in. Amie the PA arrived in the room and gave me hugs. They took me into an exam room and she talked with me a bit. She wanted to let me know before Dr. H. came in the room that she had talked with him about the situation as soon as he got back from Africa and that he was as shocked as I was. He had no idea how this all happened.

Dr. H came back in with Amie and she let Dr. H. talk. Mostly he said how sorry he was a million times. I lead the conversation off by saying thru my choking and tears that he had better have a really good story. Probably was not one of my finer moments but I was so angry it just kind of slipped out. No really good answers came from our conversation. Dr. H. apologized profusely but that doesn't change the situation or the outcome. It's all so frustrating. I told him I had researched some reproductive immunologists (not in my area) but that I was leaning toward that direction. I knew that Dr. H. had done a lot of work in the Chicago area and he let me know that their are a few places (Dr.) that I should stay clear of. I was thankful at least for that heads up. I emailed him the research that I did have and he was going to look it over and see if he could recommends one place over the other. Amie was VERY kind and so helpful. Many people have privately emailed me with suggestions of things that I could be tested for or try which are not insurance covered (nothing I do ever is...). Amie was more than willing to do the blood work necessary to get those things rolling. Who knows what will come of any of it. The whole perinatology office is VERY willing to help with any suggestions that other Dr.'s and/or practitioner's have to try. I am thankful that they will help in that area...once I am pregnant AGAIN (if that happens).

I am have a WTF appointment with the RE after tax season. I don't even know what he could possibly do for us but it's worth the appointment. I had more blood work done at the peri's like I said and I received the labs back and also my previous year's labs that I had requested. It was nice to see all the tests in written form as I have had so many things done it is hard to remember what is what anymore.

We definitely will wait awhile before we even try again. I need time to drink and have a good time. We are planning a trip to Vegas in July and that seems like a good time to see what happens. As for what actually happens I obviously have little to no control and I know that I have to give it all up to something bigger (or better?) but that is hard for me to do.

UP next...how I got to counseling

Oh, but it gets better

2011-03-18T08:11:00.001-07:00

Right?
First, wow...so many people who have no freaking idea how it feels to lose seven, count them, seven pregnancies feels have told me how much better it's going to be. I can truthfully say that in the pregnancies that I have lost before twelve weeks that did not have a heartbeat it did get a bit better with time. The several that I have had where their were actual heartbeats for a length of time, those have NEVER left me. I think about them everyday. It doesn't get better, time just makes my heart a little harder and after so many losses one kind of runs into another. It doesn't get better; you just don't quit and you move forward. I want to scream it from the rooftops but but no one is there to listen, everyone turns their head the other way. It's like it didn't happen and they want me to believe the same.

But the drama it gets better in a "worse" kind of way. My other doctors they can't help, they think I seem desperate. I am not desperate I just want the care that I was promised. I expect the care that I am PAYING for.
The daughter that I do have (thank g-d), yeah apparently she goes to school with all the other little cherubs and talks about how she isn't getting a brother/sister because they are dead. She doesn't talk about it with me, my husband or my family. No, my adorable 3 and a half year old goes to school and cries to her teacher about it. I have not heard one word about this until yesterday when her teacher pulled me aside at drop-off and told me how they give Izzie LOTS of extra hugs and love because they know she needs it. Then her teacher went on to explain how their are eight years between her daughter and her son. Unfortunately that did not make me feel better. I left daycare and went to my office to cry. Yeah ME!
My father who in his own words is "only trying to make things better" lives in Tucson. He calls me every Thursday. He loves drama but claims he is only trying to sympathize. When I was in a particularly bad spot last week I told him about the happenings with the hospital and doctor. His response...SUE. Uh, dad I hate to say this but who am I going to sue and what are my damages. Yes, OK sue the hospital? Doctor? But what are my damages? My emotions? My pain and suffering, hahahahahaha? The best part of this is that my dad and I spoke last Thursday, in the week since I had talked with him he apparently has had lots of time to play golf and speak with his doctor buddies. They have decided that this hospital must have been a Catholic hospital (they are right) that this all happened at and THAT is why they didn't do the testing. Thanks Dad, now I know for sure that your friends are as crazy as you are.

It's tax season but this last week I have barely any work to show for it. It's pretty bad. My motivation is zero. I do work but not that hard. I have come into the office almost an hour later than usual every day this week. I shut off my alarm and go right back to sleep. I just don't care. I am still hanging by the thread that "Pain is temporary, Quitting lasts forever".

I have checked with several therapists in my area, googled, emailed friends and other professionals and lucky me, no one in my area specializes in infertility. Lots of people help with loss, but nobody that can help with infertility. I just want someone that can understand.

Doctor's appointment Monday the 21st. I can't wait to see how this all plays out.
It gets better, right?

****Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the kind words you have all said. Those things do make me feel better. Though I wish no woman EVER had to go through this, I am glad that YOU are there to pick me up.

It probably only happens to me

2011-03-10T11:24:00.000-08:00

I have been debating if I should even write this as I know to most people it's probably no big deal. Even to my own husband he is able to blow it off. It would not have given definite answers but it is literally the only molecular of hope I have been hanging onto the last two weeks. I just have to get it down for my own release so that in months or years when I come back to read over this I will remember what an insignificant part this played in the big picture.

A little background:
On Tuesday I got a call from the perinatology office that even though I was supposed to come in for my two week follow-up the next day my Dr. was out of the office for the rest of the week. There was a bit of back and forth conversation with Amie the PA as I wanted to see both Amie and Dr. H. in the same appointment so we could talk about future planning. My RE had given some suggestions about what we could try and I wanted to discuss those things in my follow-up meeting. The date settled on was March 21, 2011 as both would not be in the office together until then. I could see the other Dr. with Amie but I felt like I needed Dr. H. since he did my care two weeks ago. After I got off the phone I sort of took a breathe and choked a bit. I got right on my email and emailed Amie. Two MORE weeks before I would find out any information. I know that the testing and chromosomes may not have given me any answers but I did something which I sort of regret now. I did not have them take any ultrasound pictures, did not get any gender information and I HAVE TO KNOW. I have been counting on this for two weeks. I thought I had been doing relatively well moving forward.

Until yesterday...

I received a phone call on my cell phone from Amie. In my email I asked if in two weeks at my appointment they would have ALL of the information from the hospital. Amie apparently spent the morning on the phone with the hospital. The ORDERS from that day were not followed. Somehow even though at my appointment in the Peri's office at 8 am we talked about all the testing, and even though we talked about it numerous times before surgery and even though I was crying and ALL the nurses were talking to me about testing, and even though Dr. H. was IN THE ROOM when we were talking about it, and even though DH talked to Dr. H. SPECIFICALLY about this, IT NEVER HAPPENED. Now it's two weeks later, the baby is GONE, their is nothing to test, it's the Dr.'s fault (according to the hospital). The nurse manager remembers me, remembers our case, put extra stars on the board with the doctors name to do testing, put stars on my chart, every person that came into my room mentioned the testing and it did not get done. According to the nurse manager after all was said and done she turned to Dr. H. and asked again about testing and he said NO. Of course Dr. H. is in Africa and will not be back in the states until the end of next week.

When I heard this yesterday I was hysterical, like could not breathe hysterical. I normally do not cry and I believe I am a pretty tough person. This, this was worse than when I found out the baby was dead. I know everything I have written recently has been pretty sad and dreadful. I realize that but I generally have a pretty happy outlook on life. Not only am I sad, I am so angry. I realize that mistakes happen but seriously why? Why do I ALWAYS have to been the one that falls below the yellow line? Seriously, why does it ALWAYS have to be me?

I have talked with Amie twice since the original phone call and every time I talk to her I cry so hard that my words are unrecognizable. I NEED to find a therapist or counselor or someone who gets this because clearly my family and friends don't. I read some where in my blog reading that losing a child/pregnancy is not like losing a parent, it's like losing a dream.

I literally have nothing from this pregnancy, nothing. No pictures, no connections, nothing.

Next steps

2011-03-07T12:30:00.001-08:00

Any ideas?

later this week I have to go back to the perinatologists office to have a check-up. They told me at there office two weeks ago (the day we found out about deadbaby) that they were willing to do ANYTHING for me. This sentiment was re-iterated on delivery day too. In my anger and sadness I had googled a couple places to see what they said about RPL. It's overwhelming.

I am looking for suggestions, if anyone can give me any help on what I could try next I am open.

I talked thru email with my RE, which I had not seen since last September when he made a few suggestions. All are things I already had tested last April (2010) but he wanted to test them again and do a saline ultrasound (in a few weeks). He told me to hang in there in multiple emails he sent to me. I really thought that was nice. Most of my doctors are asshats. This RE is pretty nice even if he doesn't know how to help me.

I can tell you what has been tested:
TSH +T3 & T4 - VERY GOOD but with the help of Synthroid because my numbers were just above where they wanted them (RE)
A1C - Obviously we all know I am Type 1 diabetic (5.4)
anti thyroid antibodies blood test
ANA, APH, and several other panels
MTHR - NEG
toxins
celiac disease - Negative
Gluten Intolerance - NEgative
vitamin deficiencies - Vitamin D but treated with massive doses of D
Karotyping - Good No additions or deletions
NK cells - Neg
MTHFR - Neg
other immunological tests
SA - SUPER DUPER
HSG - Everything clear and fine (though Peri says I do have a bicornate Ute but that shouldn't be a problem)

In addition to those tests in order to cover any pregnancy that I have had I have been on quite the regimen of supplements and medicine.
Baby Aspirin, Metformin, Insulin, Progesterone, prescription folic acid, extra big doses of multivitamins with iron, 6000 mg of Vitamin D PER DAY!!!, immune booster, BP meds, and with this last pregnancy for the first twelve weeks I was on Chinese herbs. The only thing we haven't tried is heparin but if I get pregnant again they said they will have me on that too just so that we have tried all of it.

Since the peri's office said that if I had information or knowledge of things to test they would help, I am hoping that if I give them suggestions they will be able to move forward and maybe, just maybe my insurance would actually pay for these things.

Soooooooo, any suggestions?

The End: Part 2

2011-02-26T14:30:00.000-08:00

"Pain is temporary, Quitting lasts forever" Lance Armstrong

I am not giving up, I am just going to have to be on pregnancy hiatus. It feels like I got the news months ago not just one short week ago. Quite honestly it feels like this whole pregnancy didn't even happen. It is sick, right? The last 21 weeks don't even feel like they happened. I know that is denial speaking.

Wednesday I was tough and strong. I think I had to be that way in order to survive. All I want to say about Wednesday is the laminaria is as bad as everyone says it is. I had two choices after placement, go to the hospital for pain meds or go home for three hours and wait it out. I chose home but holy crap were those few hours hard.

When I wrote that Friday was the hardiest day, I was wrong. Saturday was by far the worst. I was a mess on Saturday. I came into the office for a few hours because I knew my work would be piled to the ceiling and it was. I came in around lunch time and worked for five or six hours. DH was supposed to go out with the guys but it didn't happen. I was thankful that he stayed home on Saturday night because the moment I left the office I was a mess and it didn't let up until twelve or one in the morning.

The days since emotionally have been better but physically have been pretty bad. As many times as I have had to go through this and each and every time have been different. At twenty weeks I have had some side effects which I didn't expect but would be completely normal for a pregnancy that had gone full term. I for sure was not expecting that. My diabetes has been totally out of control. I sort of expected all those low numbers as that is exactly what happened when I delivered Izzie. Lots of 30's and 40's an hour or two after I have eaten a big meal. Saturday night it was just all too much. I have been taking things as they come and I have not been expecting anything really, just dealing with it as it comes.

Thursday fifteen minutes after my sister dropped Izzie off at daycare they called to say she had the flu and needed to be picked up. DH ran over to daycare and spent the day at home taking care of both of us. Izzie definitely did not have the flu as she could not have had any more energy if she tried. By Saturday she did have little spots all over her face and was more cranky than usual. Monday morning I took her to the doctor where she was diagnosed with Impetigo and a really bad infection. Since she was contagious, home we had to go. I had so much work I didn't know what to do with myself and ended up dropping Izzie off at DH"s office. Thank goodness he was able to take ANOTHER afternoon off.

Yesterday morning I woke up with a very sore throat, having been through this numerous times before I knew that it had to be strep (I am so lucky). I tried to ride it out and tell myself that I did not need to go to the walk-in clinic and it could not be strep but by this afternoon with rising BG's, and the feeling that a truck had run me over I figured I needed to go. Sure enough right after the swab test it came back positive. I am now the proud owner of MORE antibiotics. The doctor tried to convince me to go home and take it easy until Friday or Saturday but I just can't. I need to get some work done. I let the doctor know that I work with family and they would just have to suck it up. That's part of the joy of working with your family (we share all illness).

My acupuncturists are a husband/wife team. They also happen to be clients of mine. The wife was helping me to get pregnant this last time and we both cheered in her office when it worked. I had not had the chance to let them know yet that I had lost the pregnancy before they arrived in the office yesterday to drop off some information. It was probably quite the sight to see me crying in the lobby of my office while giving him a brief glimpse of the last week.

Given my last week I probably really could be wallowing in my sorrows but I made a conscience decision yesterday that I am not giving up. I am going to give my body a rest for a few months before trying and I am going to request that I have further testing. Their are a few things that the RE suggested we have not yet done that I want the Peri to give a look at. I am scheduled to go back to the peri in a week or so and I plan to bring him up to speed on what my next move is. Hopefully they will go along with my plan. We shall see.

I emailed my trainer at the gym and have a goal to get back to the gym in a few weeks. Aimee told me that I know my body and to let it heal but that I should be good to go in two weeks. I plan to hit the gym hard then. At least I have some control over that. I am trying to move forward while still honor how far along I actually got this time. It's just rough because I know I can do this because I have done it before. I am considering going to a support group for babylost mamas here in my city that one of the funeral homes puts on. We shall see. I have until next Tuesday evening to decide.

Pain is temporary, quitting is forever.

The end

2011-02-25T05:54:00.000-08:00

I have had to write that more times than I care to say.

Monday morning was awful, quite truthfully it was worse than Wednesday. Wednesday was dead baby delivery day. No two times have ever been the same, I suppose that has to do with the fact that no two losses have been at the same gestational age. It really is just sick to think about the whole thing. The way each pregnancy plays out.
This pregnancy...it wasn't enough, it's not enough. I am not sad I am angry. My life isn't enough. How can people say to me that I need to give up. My own mother repeatedly has said over this week that I just need to give up. That Izzie NEEDS to be enough. I have to give up and make peace and move on. It's not going to happen any time soon. I know I can't live like this but I wasn't the person who told casts of thousands of people I was pregnant. She was the one that was SO EXCITED, so sure that it was going to work out this time. I just knew something wasn't right, I believed it. Maybe that's why this whole pregnancy came tumbling down around me.

When my doctors tell me it's time to stop, that is when I will have to give up my dream until then I am just going to have to figure out how to move forward.

I know in my heart that I did everything possible to make this pregnancy work. Even my high risk doctors were SO SURE that this time was "THE TIME". Amie the PA cried several times on Monday with us. Shock and awe all around. Both doctors in the office apologized more times than I can count. Those things though I appreciate how sorry they are about this whole pregnancy it doesn't make it better, it doesn't give me answers. I want answers but I realize that I probably will never get that. One day I will have to either give up with no answers or some how come to peace with my lot in life.

Like I said Monday was a day for lots of tears. I dropped the dog off for some sedated teeth cleaning and DH dropped Izzie off at daycare. We met at the bagel shop just down the road from daycare. I had this horrible feeling that maybe we should pick somewhere else for breakfast as many times before this we had been to this bagel shop and then gotten devastating news minutes later. I tried to call DH to change the place where we would meet but he was already running behind and didn't answer. I stopped by a gas station to buy a magazine to catch up on all the trash of the world and settled at the bagel shop.

It was a quick trip downtown to the perinatal center. I have no idea what DH was thinking (we drove separately) but all I was thinking about was a heartbeat and the gossip magazine. I made small talk with Emily the ultrasound woman. I have had her so many times before and she unfortunately has had to give me some terribly devastating news too many times as well. The moment she put that wand on my belly I knew. A perfectly formed, beautiful profile with no beating heart. I knew it right away. She gasped, I knew. She rolled around a bit and confirmed no heartbeat. She I think expected us to want pictures and so she asked, DH answered NO MORE PICTURES fairly emphatically. I knew in that moment exactly what this meant. I have to birth my dead baby but it really didn't feel like mine. I felt totally disconnected from the situation except this time I cried hysterically. This could not be happening, right? You work really, really hard for something and it comes true, right? RIGHT? This isn't supposed to be happening...

Amie came in crying, she couldn't believe it was true. Emily the sonographer sat there in awe. She didn't know what to say. They both asked DH if they could hug me while they waited on a room for Dr. M., Amie, DH and I to discuss what my options were. Their was no bright side to this situation but I had to keep reminding myself that it could be some much worse. Sitting here today 5 days later I know what has transpired over the last few days is awful. I know it is awful because people are emailing, commenting, sending flowers, bringing gift cards, etc. I know people mean well, I really do but that doesn't make it better. Day three post dead baby delivery day has been hard. I was sure Wednesday night was going to be the worst but today, Day 3 has been the worst by far.

Amie, DH and I filtered into a room and Dr. M. followed us. Dr. M. repeated numerous times how truly sorry he was, what we could try NEXT time and what our options for right now were. Thank goodness I was given choices but honestly one was not any better than the other. Talk about floating above a situation. Because of several factors including the fact that the hospital where these doctors deliver is a Catholic hospital and Dr. M.'s religious views (though he did not say that) he could only help me with one option. The Dr. who delivered Izzie and I have seen several times had been known to go in another direction and it was totally up to me and to DH. Obviously DH let me know right then and there that it was my body to do what I needed to do but that he certainly had thoughts about what he wanted. I am glad that we meshed on what we wanted but I still was feeling like maybe I needed to explore every avenue. I was thankful that I was not put under pressure to do anything I didn't feel comfortable. I was given time to make my decision, was able to speak with both specialists about their feelings, medical opinions and expertise. Though I was sad I knew what I had to do. Wednesday morning would start with Laminaria at 8 am.

As word got out that I had in fact lost the pregnancy friends and family were devastated but me, I sort of knew. I had this feeling that things weren't going to go so well. I don't know whether it was the triple screen or my past history (probably more that) but I just couldn't wrap my mind around live baby in early July. As many times as I told myself, tried to convince myself that everything was fine I had this sinking feeling that it wasn't. I was going through the motions but it wasn't there.

Monday night as I laid in bed and felt that same Rollie-pollie feeling in my belly that I thought was baby movement I realized that it had to be the dead weight of the baby rolling like a rock at the bottom of a pond.

19 weeks 4 days

2011-02-21T09:10:00.001-08:00

Dead...can't say I've ever been here before.

Knots

2011-02-17T08:21:00.000-08:00

I have gotten myself all wound up.
I am right where I want to be and still very thankful that this pregnancy is continuing on. Just one small problem, is it still continuing? Is everything alright? Is the baby still alive? Is it going to be healthy? Can I continue to stay healthy? It's never ending and as my anatomy scan appointment draws closer the more scared I am. I know I sound whiny and ungrateful. Whiny, yes, ungrateful is definitely not true.
In the last two pregnancies for sure I have been in a place where I know that beyond doing what I can to stay healthy the pregnancy is out of my hands. I have to know that and I feel like I have done what I can.
I am scared to death. This week has been absolute hell. I am afraid to shut my eyes and go to sleep as every time I do I have flashes of dreams that I have had before about terrible health issues, still birth, heartbeats stopping, and the list goes on and on. Every time I wake from these dreams I am scared to the core until I realize that it was just a dream. I have tried every possible thing to think happy thoughts but as the day (Monday) draws closer the worse I feel.

Every doctor has tried to assure me that I am far enough along that I will be fine. I have had some health issues pop up over the last few weeks that make me automatically go to a place where it has to be the worst possible thing. I can't get it out of my mind that because I already have so many things stacked against me that I can't have a wonderful pregnancy. I know this is what I wanted and I am so thankful but I am still terrified.

I keep trying to tell myself that when you do the triple screen that the results are only a guide and not a sure thing. I only fell just below the OK line. The nuchal fold was just fine and within range. I didn't want to do any further testing until 20 weeks when we went in for the anatomy scan and I carelessly thought I could put it out of my mind until then. Which for the most part those thoughts have been at the back of my mind until this week.

This week is the first week that I have actually felt regret that I didn't rent or buy the Doppler that I was so convinced that I HAD TO HAVE. I wasted money on a stupid fetal heartbeat tone thing that doesn't even work. I was afraid that if I spent the money for the Doppler and the pregnancy ended (like so many had) that I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. I know "it's only money" but...what if?

I know it sounds selfish when so many other woman are going through things that are so much worse. I know that I have already won the biggest lottery ever with my daughter and now with this pregnancy but if anyone has any extra prayers or kind thoughts I would so appreciate those over the next few days.

Moving along

2011-02-02T13:32:00.000-08:00

Life has been crazy and stressful. I had forgotten what it is truly like to be seeing a handful of specialists and each one thinks that their way is the BEST way to do things. Add into that the beginning of a new year and tax season (yeah) and I am one tired girl.

Things are going well. I am 17 weeks along in this pregnancy. We still have only told a handful of family (which they have passed on to a few others). DH finally announced to his family through e-mail on Monday that we were in fact expecting a new addition to our family and hopefully they would arrive around the first of July. It's a bit funny to me about that date actually. My EDD is really 7/14/11 however given my veritable cornucopia of health issues I will not be able to go past 38 weeks. I will be able to try to give birth naturally (if that's what you want to call it). Our drop date is July 1st. That is supposedly the very last day they would let me go to. I am praying that I can make it to 12:01 am to July 1st. It is obviously ridiculous that I am even making such requests seeing as I have had so many lost pregnancies. I know how absurd I sound when I make requests like this but this date is my one piece of joy. Weird, I know. I just don't want any more birthdays in June if possible. Our family has a birthday/ anniversary almost everyday in June. If June is the month when he/she arrives than I will be over the moon but as long as I am making requests I thought I better put this out to the universe.

Again, I have to laugh at myself that I can even make a ridiculous request such a birth date when I can't even bring myself to believe that I am even pregnant. Yes, I have had some rather disturbing things that have gone on that all indicate that I am in fact still pregnant and continue to be. However it is really, really hard to believe that I am still pregnant. At just shy of sixteen weeks we did get to hear the heartbeat again though we were not able to have an ultrasound that day. In two-ish weeks we will have the anatomy scan and three or so weeks after that the fetal echo. My triple screen came back with somenot very positive news but I am hanging on to the fact that maybe they are wrong and I know that their are many false positives. I guess we shall see how this all shakes out.

Life otherwise is pretty good. We told Izzie just a few weeks ago that we hoped she was going to get a little sister or brother come this summer. She is hoping for a sister because after all she already has a brother (the dog). It makes me laugh. Now she is telling people when asked that she is going to get both a sister AND a brother come this summer. Maybe that is true but one of them is not coming from me. This one baby is the end of the line for me. I will have to learn to obsess about some other medical issue in my life instead of my fertility. Believe me I do plenty of obsessing about all my other issues but I know they will not be resolved and I can accept that (I don't like it but I can accept it).

My step sister whom I was very close with is getting married in May. I have spoken about her numerous other times. We are not on speaking terms at all and have not been since June 2010. The wedding is coming up very quickly and so are the numerous showers and parties. I have decided that I will not be going to any of the showers or the wedding and neither will my husband or daughter. At one time I was asked to stand up in the wedding which at the time I said I would think about but have since told her that I will not be participating in any way, shape or form. My daughter may not participate either. I know what the ramifications of this are and I am certain that it is not good for our family as a whole but my immediate sibling and my parents do back me up. My step sister has done some pretty awful things over the last few 9 or so months that I find inexcusable. The damage is done, what once was a very close relationship is no longer. She has no idea I am even pregnant. I am certain once she come here for the shower my parents friends are throwing her she will figure it out. I won't be at the shower but I do intend to support my parents throughout the weekend while we have family in town.

I am in a weird spot with life. I am fairly happy and so glad that it is tax season and I can work, work, work. I am hoping in a few weeks when I know if this baby is a he or she I will feel a bit more connected to it. I know lots of things can still go horribly wrong but I am trying my hardest to put those thing out of my mind until I actually have reason to be alarmed.

Isn't life grand!

Jumping on the bandwagon

2010-12-31T13:31:00.000-08:00

Dear 2010,
I have learned so much from you this past year but truly don't let the door hit you in the tush on the way out.

Goals for 2011:

Slow down, way down.

Be thankful for what I DO have.

Best wishes to all for a very happy, healthy New Year!

Because I like drama (and answers)

2010-12-28T14:39:00.000-08:00

12 weeks

So here I am knowing that I have no control over this pregnancy or any other pregnancy for that matter. I continue to thank whatever powers may be that I am still in fact pregnant. Lucky me!

Yesterday DH and I went for my triple screen at the peri's office. I just prayed that the little thing was moving and had a beating heart when it came up on the screen yesterday. And low and behold, still alive. I have been through this rigmarole enough times to know what the hell they were looking for on the ultrasound machine. I was thankful when my name was called that I did in fact get one of the best sonographers (in my opinion) in the office. She tried for some time to get the measurement of the nuchal fold but was in able and kept asking me to change positions. Finally she laid me completely flat and continued on for a good ten to fifteen minutes. She (the sonographer) kept asking me about my "c-section" with my daughter. I reminded her several times that I had not had a c-section with my daughter. A few more times she asked and then in an instant she stepped away from the machine and turned on the light, saying nothing. Both DH and I looked at each other and wondered what the heck was up. I wasn't totally nervous at that point just more curious. The lights went back off and she continued to scan. We discussed the few spots on the screen that to me appeared like addition sacs but according to her were possibly fibroid. the scan finished up, she told my husband everything looked good, we got our pictures and moved on to Amie's office for my visit.

While speaking with Amie not much came up about the scan other than things looked good and I would get my lab results back today and my other tests results sometime next week. We discussed my growing dissatisfaction with my Endocrinologist and some options for moving forward. The appointment ended and I expected to hear from Amie early this morning with results. She did call and let me know that my labs looked good and my kidney function has stayed stable. All good things. She then moved on the my ultrasound from yesterday. Apparently what had the sonographer so interested was the bicornate uterus she saw. Of course she never said anything of the sort to me but according to Amie this could be the reason why I have lost many pregnancies. Thank goodness according to her I am far enough along now that hopefully we won't have any issues. I have had a full term pregnancy and fairly easy birth. It's weird now that I know all the reasons why the sonographer was asking me these weird questions about Izzie's birth. It all makes sense to me.

Even if something were to go wrong because of this new situation, I am right where I need to be.

I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop, the difference with this pregnancy is I know that I have no control how or when that will happen. I will just have to pick up the pieces when it does.

Maybe miracles do happen?

2010-12-17T09:26:00.000-08:00

2010 hasn't exactly been a stellar year for me. All kinds of things have happened over this last year that have just plain sucked but I have learned that good or bad I must move on.

That sister (the one that is engaged)that I have talked about previously, we were very close. We talked two to three times a day. Now...we don't talk at all. Matter of fact we haven't spoken in six months. I have received one e-mail from her in August and just last night I received a letter by mail 3 pages type written about what a horrible person she thinks I am. Honestly, I am OK with that. I have had time to write off the relationship and good or bad I must move on.

The day changes to tomorrow from today whether I want it to or not. Time passes, that pretty much sums up my year. Though I know this to be true sometimes it is hard to reflect on how did I get from HERE to THERE. I have no answers but today I have to believe that something bigger than me is holding my hand. Like I said, no answers.

Today I am 10 weeks pregnant.

How I got here, I am not really sure. I took a lot of fertility meds, I did A LOT of acupuncture, I took A LOT (GOBS) of herbs, and vitamins and then I said I am done. I am done with this. I will either be pregnant or not but, if I am pregnant this is it. This is the last time. I can't do it anymore. I can't be pregnant one more time and lose another pregnancy. We had to move on and we have one child. She either has to be enough or we need to pursue other avenues. DH though probably not in complete agreement said he was on board.

After my last miscarriage I was sure that I wasn't finished. I had plenty of fight still in me and maybe I do. I know in order to continue on with this pregnancy no matter the outcome I am going to have to have fight but sometime after our appointment with the RE and my regular endo I just had to say that enough was enough. Going into that first appointment with the Peri after I found out the test was in fact positive I was at peace. This is it. It had to be the last time I was going to do this. I have no idea why now, why this time, my eighth pregnancy I had decided it was enough but there I was and it's enough. The end.

Things are always in the back of my mind about what can go wrong at any point and many times in the front of my mind. This has to be the last time that I am pregnant. I want to be able to revel in ALL the things that are exciting about being pregnant but that hasn't happened and to be honest I am not sure it will. I am quite certain that things just need to continue as they are; slow and steady.

Every day I thank the powers that today I am pregnant, I say my piece and then move on. I feel like there isn't much value for me in dwelling. I know that I should be excited and overjoyed (and I am in my own way) but slow and steady has got to be the mantra for this pregnancy. And if I get to bring home a live, healthy baby in late June, early July then I will jump for joy at the chance to have a chance to me the mother to a baby.

Now for somethings that I find both interesting and exciting:

1. The whole month of October all Izzie could talk about was how she was the big sister and she was having a baby. Three and a half years old and she literally was telling EVERYONE that she was the big sister. I didn't find out until November.

2. Before Hanukkah started (Dec 1) the kids at preschool were talking about there wish lists. Izzie told the class that her only wish was for a little sister. She let her teacher know that her mother was going to give her a baby. We still haven't announced (as I am only ten weeks) but Izzie's teacher got a real kick out of telling me that Izzie was telling people that we are giving her a sister and she is sure about it (I am fat so it would be hard for anyone to tell I am pregnant).

3. A woman that I met recently at a Temple function started selling these t-shirts she had made especially for Hanukkah. I was the first person she came up to with the t-shirts and she asked me if I wanted to buy one. The first t-shirt she held up was a shirt with a Menorah and the saying "Miracles Happen". You better believe I bought that shirt and wore it numerous times throughout Hanukkah while I kept my own little secret.

4. This time around we have told no one about this pregnancy. The one person that really knows besides me, the Dr.'s office and DH is one Internet friend.

Of all the bad things that I could say happened over 2010 to end this year being pregnant pretty much erases much of the anger I had been feeling. When I look back over the year maybe it wasn't quite as bad as it seemed at the time. Lots of ups and downs for sure, but overall...not so bad.

Where to begin

2010-09-23T13:39:00.000-07:00

Things are good. Well, as good as can be expected. I'm feeling kind of...meh...about the pregnancy losses.
September 8, 2010 came and went. I thought I would be more emotional about the whole day being as it was both the due date for the twins that ended and the first night of the Jewish New Year. The days leading up to it thoughts weighed heavy on my mind but when the 8th actually showed up I felt like there it is and there it went. My good friend who was due with her baby the same week as I was due had her little girl a few weeks earlier. I think that made it a bit easier on me. I have yet to meet her daughter though I have seen my friend several times.I had anticipated that I would be a wreck on the 8th but that didn't happen. I was sort of sad that night as I got in to bed realizing all the things over the year that I thought would happen but didn't. I kept telling my sister (who is now engaged) that this was our year. She would find a mate and I would get pregnant with a sibling for Izzie. Well she found a mate and they are engaged, I guess I should have clarified that I wanted to get pregnant AND have a live sibling for Izzie.

A little over a week before my EDD I had my "Back to School" appointment with the RE. Wasn't particularly happy to be sitting in his office again though honestly I was hoping for a cheap (hahahahahahahahaha) and easy answer to my miscarriage issues. Dr. C. was pretty matter-of-fact about the whole situation. The fact that both my regular endo and the Peri both ran blood work that Dr. C. wanted wasn't good enough. Dr. C. wants everything run for himself by his pathologist and that rubbed me a bit the wrong way. The only other thing he suggested was a saline ultrasound and beyond that he just doesn't know. I have had lots of ultrasounds, gobs of blood work, so many tests, and an HSG that showed everything was well and beautiful. I actually felt worse after going to Dr. C. He did not suggest moving on to IUI or anything else, which honestly I can totally understand. It's just that I feel like I need to be doing "something". We got incredibly lucky when I got pregnant with Izzie, one IUI and the whole thing worked out. My cycle hadn't yet started again from my last miscarriage except for some spotting when I went to see Dr. C. so he started me on pills to get that up and going again. I have always been so regular with my cycle it was weird to go so long with out it.
I called my insurance company just to verify once again that we have no fertility coverage, none, zip, zilch. What is interesting to me in that if the peri or endo runs tests for me they are covered but if the RE runs those same tests I get nothing. When I found out the cost of testing for just the ultrasound and b/w (which again has mostly ALREADY been run) DH and I decided together that maybe we shouldn't be moving in that direction yet. I know I agreed to the decision with DH but I feel like I should be doing something.

Since I don't seem to have any control over where we are with adding to our family I decided that I needed to get a better handle on my health. I am doing this for no other reason than I want to be exercising more and fitting into MUCH smaller clothes (story of my life). In early August DH and I decided that it was time to hit the gym. He needed to continue to rehab his knee and I needed to hit the gym in a big way!!!! My first goal was just to get back in the swing of working out and exercising. I had learned my lesson with the last pregnancy that I need to have my BG in tight control ALL THE TIME. Dr. C. made a major point of letting me know that. It did sting quite a bit that when he asked me what my A1C's were going into the last two pregnancies I had to let him know that I was above 6%. Now in all fairness to myself and not that I feel like I need to justify it to anyone but my numbers were down and in TIGHT control the same week as I found out both times. We were not talking about 8 or 9 we are talking about between 6 and 7% both times. After my last miscarriage I did not change my settings and I have continued to keep my BG in the tightest possible range (60-90) all the time. I don't know about others but this was seriously hard in the beginning seeing as when I am pregnant I know what I do affects something else. Besides hurting myself what does my BG from week to week really affect?
Anyway, I have been on the exercising bandwagon for almost two months pretty hardcore. I am proud of that. Two weeks ago I started back to WW with my friend who had the baby around the same time as my EDD. I am thankful that she has not brought the baby around when we have gone to meetings together. I haven't seen the scale move much. This is the rut I get into when exercising, having tight BG numbers and trying to lose weight. One minor mis-step by even a half unit and I am in a tailspin of extremely low BG. That is my MAJOR obstacle. I have e-mailed the staff at my endo's office several times with no avail, apparently I am only an important patient when I am pregnant. We'll see how this all pans out. I am still fairly motivated to get a bunch of weight off so we will see. Of course if I get pregnant again than all bets are off.

My life is always an interesting ride.

PPP can kiss my a**

2010-08-22T23:45:00.000-07:00

I am totally shocked, just appalled, I can't even believe it. Tonight I received word that one of my friends from college passed away. When I learned that she passed away I immediately knew what happened but until confirmation I didn't want to believe it was true. She took her own life this weekend. She didn't leave a note or anything that anyone has found but I knew she had been fighting PPP (Post Partum Psychosis) for several months. Just last week I talked to her by IM on FB. We talked about how much better she was feeling even though she was only concerned with how I was doing. And though I hadn't seen her since her wedding just after September 11, 2001 we had kept in pretty close contact. She literally was one of the happiest people that I have known.

I feel more sadness over her death than I probably should. I feel like I should have recognized last week that she was in such a bad place. She asked me all kinds of questions about how I was doing and feeling but I took her word for it when she told me that she was good. She felt like she had a handle on her PPP and she was doing so much better and the counseling and medication were helping. Anything really changed? Was she lying? Did she even ever really get help? I don't live close enough to even know or be able to answer those questions but I feel really bad. I feel especially bad not for her husband (though I know I should), I feel awful for her children (8 months, 3 years old) that will never know the kind of wonderful woman that there mother was.

I just can't believe she's gone.

Still hanging in

2010-08-04T13:30:00.000-07:00

Things are going relatively well. Nothing truly exciting or earth shattering to tell anyone. It's only been a little over a week since this last miscarriage and already it feels like months.

By Tuesday of last week I was already plotting how to get back on the bandwagon. I know I need to let my body heal but just how much healing is really needed. Some Dr.'s say three cycles, some say one, acupuncuturist says to wait six months and the best advice given by my grandma this weekend.....wait for it....wait for it....JUST ADOPT! I am so glad that grandma's have all the answers. I wante dto throw up right there on her couch. I wish it was that easy. I was told several times this weekend by various people that A. my Grandma is only looking out for me and my body and B. maybe she has some merit to what she says. Hhhmmm...too bad I don't/didn't have any say over there fertility.

Every night and every morning I mull over the same question in my mind, "When is enough, enough"? Before I had Izzie I knew the answer to that question. It wasn't enough until I had a child, I was willing to do almost anything in order to get it. I said when Izzie arrived safely after months and months of sitting on pins and needles that she was enough. I was happy with her and I told people that she might be the end. I for one didn't know what it would be like should we try for another child and I certainly didn't want to jinx myself. But, maybe I have done just that? Or maybe it's that I am starting to get so comfortable in the routine of getting pregnant going a number of weeks and then miscarry, that is just what one does? I don't know.

I have already re-read several books I bought before I had Izzie regarding RPL. I have a phone appointment with the acupuncturist tomorrow and I am trying to find a time to make an appointment with the RE. I have tried to come up with all the reasons for why I could be miscarrying. My peri is stumped, my endocrinologist is stumped and so is the acupuncturist. I can't imagine what the RE could do to help me but if their is even a glimmer of hope than I know I have to try it.

I know for many women and men adoption is the right choice and maybe they know it from the get go. It certainly has been on the plate several times before however I have some issues of my own I need to work through before I can even think about adoption. A huge one being because of some of own health issues I really want Izzie to have a genetic sibling. Not only that but I am just not in the place where I am done trying on our own.

I suppose I am going to have to let that question keep mulling over in my mind day in and day out until I can figure out some closure one way or another.

Because it's never easy when it comes to me

2010-07-26T09:26:00.000-07:00

I think I said it in a post just the other day that my life feels like it is on REPEAT. I sometimes wonder why when it comes to my life medically speaking it's never easy.

In the end it I guess the way it all turned out was easier on my body. I spoke a bit too soon when I said that in seven pregnancies I had never miscarried on my own. I now can add that to the list of things that I would never like to experience again. To be truthful though it was much easier on my body than any D & C I have had.

Friday at my appointment with the peri he gave me the option of "letting nature take it course", his words not mine or going to one of the hospital's on Monday AM for surgery. It really wasn't much of a choice as he reminded me that I had never miscarried on my own and it would be better safe than sorry. Immediately after giving me the option he said "SOOO, Dr. H. will see you Monday morning"? The PA came in to talk to me so we could go over my chart and they could get the information they needed to pass on to the hospital. Since Amie was out on Friday and I had another PA I told her to just refer to my information from February and that essentially nothing had changed, reminded her of my cell number and that I intended to wear both my insulin pump and my CGMS during surgery.
My Friday went on pretty much as most Fridays during the summer do. I called DH to let him know the news right away. He seemed pretty bummed about. I guess I should not have expected any different. Maybe I need some kind of cheer coach to be all rah-rah yah-yah for me when it comes to being pregnant. The luster has just work away for me. It's beginning to feel a bit like normal life for me to be pregnant for awhile, jump thru a bunch of hoops, be crazy about BG and numbers, carbs, insulin, meds, etc. and then one day not too far down the road for it all to end. I am not trying to be dramatic when I say this but it is really beginning to feel like normal life for me and I know I don't like it.
Yimin called me on Friday to let me know he did not think I needed my acupuncture appointment, I should wait six months before trying again, and I should make an appointment with his wife (who is actually very well known in acupuncture and fertility circles?) for after my Monday D & C.
Friday night I was invited out for cocktails and dinner with a few friends and I know it seems so morbid to say but dead is dead, right? So I had a few drinks. Something which I had not done in oh 7 or 8 months except for the night I went out after my last miscarriage.
Saturday morning I woke up to some cramping but not anything I couldn't handle. As the day went on they seemed to get pretty regular and pretty serious. I ended up at the movies with Izzie and my sister and DH showed up from a work function at the last moment. My sister took Izzie for the evening which was much appreciated because by the time four or five hit I was in seriously bad shape. Several hours earlier i called Dr. M. to see what he had to say. He told me it was normal and to call him in 24 hours. He had no advice and nothing to say.
Early Sunday morning I was woken up by some pretty intense pain but I had planned to go out with DH and do a bunch of laundry. By the time we got home from doing laundry I was feeling a bit worse but was still functioning. My sister swung by the house with Izzie so she could pick up a swimsuit for Izzie and take her to the pool. My parents had offered to take Izzie on Sunday night since I was to be at the hospital at ten to six on Monday. By noon on Sunday I knew I was having a serious problem and there was no turning back. I ended up calling Dr. M. on 3 pm on Sunday to see what direction he wanted me to go. I really called to find out if I still needed to show up on Monday morning. I was told as long as I wasn't passing clots and I was not bleeding anymore then I was to call the hospital about twenty minutes before I was to show up and tell them I wouldn't be there and let them know that I miscarried over the weekend.
I had six straight hours of pretty intense pain and other stuff you probably really would rather not hear about. by six thirty in the evening I was feeling better. The blood had pretty much stopped and I was sure I was good to go. Dr. M. made it sound like after I had passed the tissue than I would stop bleeding and it would all be over. Being inexperienced in the area I had no idea what to expect and I believed what he had to say. After every D & C I usually have bleeding for about three weeks. When I went to bed on Sunday night I really believed that I would not have surgery on Monday.
Monday morning I had set my alarm and I got up nice and early so I could call the hospital. After I called and explained my situation I laid back down and went right to sleep for about twenty minutes at which time I was violently woken up by...contractions?????and cramping and other wonderful goings on. I tried to rest all the while thinking I had made a terrible mistake and knowing that I should have gone to the hospital anyway and not called in. I waited until 9 am to call the Dr.'s office and leave a message for the fill-in PA while Amie is out. She didn't end up calling me back until 11:30 or noon. Apparently what I was experiencing was normal. Again, I really had nothing to compare it to and I felt like a total bother but I was convinced that I had made the mistake of not going to the hospital. According to the PA life just moves along like this until my body is done. It could be three days or three weeks. She asked me if and when we were planning on trying again. I couldn't give an answer because I don't have one. Obviously I have a plan because let's face it I always do but they NEVER work out how I think they will.

Over the last few days I have felt relatively well except some cramping. It was definitely much less painful to miscarry on my own granted I was only eight and a half weeks so that could have had something to do with it. DH stayed home with me on Monday. We went to lunch and did a few errands. Since Friday night I have been thinking about something that my sister said to me about how after one or two miscarriages she would have been done trying and some other crap about how strong she thinks I am...I don't even have to say how I don't think I am strong I just try to make it through. But what really has been on my mind is that after seven pregnancies, six losses maybe it is time to hang up my hat, maybe I am getting to that point where I didn't think I could be. Maybe Izzie has to be enough and I don't get a say in it. I am to the point where I am not really sure how many more times I could go through this and come out on the other side.

The end

2010-07-23T09:31:00.000-07:00

Seven pregnancies, One live birth. Surgery Monday AM.

Just over here trying not to obsess

2010-07-21T07:16:00.000-07:00

As much as I have tried to convince myself that I have NO control over the outcome of this pregnancy I have not done a great job.
In the five miscarriages that I have had so far I have not once miscarried on my own (except the chemical I had). I know many woman have done this either by choice (waited to miscarriage on their own) or obviously not by choice they have begun miscarrying before they even knew that something was wrong.
Last Friday after the two ultrasound techs did there work and they went to talk to Dr. M and Amie, Amie came back to the ultrasound room to talk to me. Of course I was so crazy obsessed that there was no heartbeat and though the sac had grown we were treading on very thin ice in my opinion. Like last time the doctors and staff at Peri's office are pretty much out of ideas when it come to me. They feel like we have tried everything they can come up with to help me sustain a pregnancy. Again, I know I am still pregnant but in my mind the situation looks bleak. I told Amie after she offered to do a beta for me that I really didn't think that would offer me any answers unless my numbers were decreasing not increasing. Amie agreed but she is out of ideas. Amie truly believes we have a slow grower but then again no one knows for sure. She seemed to think that if it was to end and we had no growth that maybe over this last week I would have begun to miscarry on my own. Like I said in seven pregnancies, five miscarriages I have only ever done it on my own in the one that was a chemical.

I still feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Monday night while grocery shopping I had some pretty intense cramping. I thought for SURE this was it and then...nothing. Nothing happened. Tuesday morning when I woke I was still in a little pain and there was just the littlest bit of what looked to be old blood but nothing I would even take a second look at. All day yesterday I kept waiting for something to happen and nothing did. Last night the same pain started when I was at the pool swimming, I was not doing anything remotely strenuous other than laying in the pool. But, again nothing happened. DH is convinced that maybe this hopefully tough embryo is settling in for the long haul.
After each ultrasound I have been back to my acupuncturist. I hadn't been to see him in three years. I went when I was pregnant with Izzie and then sort of dropped the ball after that. The day I tested positive this time I really thought I ought to call him and make an appointment but we were planning to leave for Vegas and I didn't get it done. After the news at my first ultrasound I immediately called Yimin for an appointment and to ask if he could help. He is confident that he can help me. I have been twice and he told me I definitely need to lower my stress levels but it's hard to do when you are trying to convince yourself to be calm and know that you have no control over this situation.
At my last Yimin appointment I was so crazed about the results from the day before I was barely able to hold myself together. I had to go to the place where this was all over with him because in my mind the reality is that this week it could be all over. I wanted to know what he thought I should do next. Yimin could sense that I was very tense and when he began his treatment I burst out in tears. Yimin continued with treatment and then quietly left the room after letting me know he would be back in forty minutes. When he did come back he said he hoped I could get "happier". I have no idea what that means but I hope I do too. He wants to see me again this weekend and he told me not to give up. He still has hope.

I'm just trying to make it through each day as best as I can.

It's not over....yet

2010-07-16T13:46:00.000-07:00

I never think I should make an announcement before the twelfth week of pregnancy or even a bit after but so far that hasn't really worked out so great for me.
Another trip to the peri this afternoon revealed that while the sac has grown it still doesn't have a heartbeat and I am CERTAIN about my dates. At this point I think I should be around the 7w?d mark but it seems as though we have a slow grower. I have already taken my mind to the place where it is all over a million times.
Amie wants to see me AGAIN next week for ANOTHER viability scan. I was given the option of a beta but let's be honest, it never helped in the past. I have already set myself up for when I will have the D&C in my mind. I definitely don't want to write this pregnancy off already if there is even a little bit of a chance. Amie seems to think their may be a chance. I just don't know anymore.
It will be a long week but no longer than the last three or so...

Read below to see what I have had to say up to this point.

Ground hogs day

2010-07-14T14:41:00.000-07:00

7-14-10

Boy it seems like no matter how much I wish for a different outcome I feel like my life is sometimes like a broken record on repeat.
So the appointment in the afternoon at the Perinatologists office wasn't as bad as it could have been. I had in my mind figured out based on my LMP and when I "thought" conception had occurred (within 2 days) I was maybe 6w3d along. I totally had it in my head that everything was going to be fine, I would see a heartbeat immediately when the wanding began and everything would be well and wonderful. Like I said it could have been worse. The ultrasound woman said everything was there it was just a bit early. I had my glasses on to see the details but it didn't help. She looked around briefly and said it's just too early but everything is there. They asked me if I was ok and I let them know I was fine...Hell I was sort of expecting some shit like this to happen. Of course I would have to come back in a week, of course I had no answers and of course I was pissed. I put my und.ies back on pulled down my dress and WAITED...
The ultrasound tech and her student went to discuss my situation with Amie and the Peri while I waited in the ultrasound room. I half expected either Amie to come back to the room or that they would come get me and take me back to an exam room. Maybe Amie and Dr. M figure what's the point. Easier if they just move on with there day and I move on with mine. Which is what I did. I called DH as promised gave him the news and back to work I went.
Over the last couple days I have been obsessing about days. Could it be early? Could things still be OK? Could this work out? I am placing all my faith in the fact that it will all work out this time. I am trying to let things going and believing that things will turn out positively rather than negatively. Yesterday when I finally was able to get to a website that had down to the minute detail of each and every day of pregnancy, I finally made myself believe that may be in fact it was just a tinge early to have an ultrasound. I am hoping beyond hoping that this little tough cookie holds on and sticks around (please let there be a heartbeat at least on Friday). Though even I know that just because there is a heartbeat pm Friday and even if it beat for five more weeks that doesn't mean I am out of the woods.

7-8-10 Tomorrow

2010-07-08T07:37:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow morning bright and early I go in for my 3 month check with the endo. I still haven't e-mailed or called to let them know that I am pregnant and I know that they will expect me to upload my numbers from my pump/CGMS to take a look. I haven't really figured out why I haven't made the call yet. After my appointment tomorrow morning with the endo I have an afternoon appointment with Amie and the peri. I am to get my first ultrasound and see where we go from here.
No monitoring thus far, no drugs other than than the high doses of folic acid, baby aspirin, metformin and various other vitamins that I have been on for the last several years. On the day of the positive Amie called in a progesterone script. I guess we'll know tomorrow if it has helped.
I waited for almost a week to tell DH that I had a positive pee stick. It wasn't until our first night in Las Vegas that I handed him the card with the picture of the Vegas sign and the "Welcome Baby" card on the front that he even realized something was up. It definitely made for an interesting trip in Vegas. I had planned to drink cocktails around the pool in Vegas while DH went to a conference. Plans were foiled and instead I drank mocktails. I was OK with no alcohol, and I had been relatively calm about this whole pregnancy until a day or two ago. As Friday draws near it is making me nervous. I let DH know that he does not need to go with me tomorrow. Whatever is to be is to be and their is nothing I can do about it.
My symptoms wax and wane. Just when I think all my symptoms are done I have a big bout of naseau and then as fast as it came it leaves.
Obviously I hope that we have a good outcome. The due date will be the beginning of March. Not a great time for an accountant to have a baby but a child that is wanted in anycase.

What happens in Vegas, hopefully doesn't stay in Vegas

2010-06-28T21:42:00.000-07:00

DH and I are in Las Vegas this week. He is here for business and I am all about pleasure. My plan is to do nothing. I want to play at the pool and read a book. My best intentions of laying by the pool with a cocktail have been foiled but I am more than happy to let that go.
Last night a few hours after we arrived in Vegas we walked around the hotel a bit and then went for "drinks' and appetizers. The last several weeks I had been talking about how I had planned to have many cocktails in Las Vegas. DH picked the Mexican Cantina for drinks. When we sat down and he ordered his margarita and I ordered.....water with lime. MMMMMM... He asked what was up and I figured then was the time to pull out the card and reveal the news. DH read quietly and smiled.
Everyday that I am pregnant I will be thankful that I have made it this far. I continue to have faith that it is all going to work out. I was both physically and emotionally overjoyed with how great my life is while laying in the giant pool today. It almost seemed as if I was the only person in the pool though THOUSANDS of people were in the pool with me. This trip is truly what I needed.
I also made myself an awesome bubble bath this afternoon since we have a gorgeous tub in our room. I soaked in the tub and read and re-read my NEW pregnancy go-to book, "Managing Pregnancy with Pre-existing Diabetes" by Cheryl Alkon (one of our very own D-OCer's and author of Managing the Sweetness Within). Plus I think it is sort of cool to see my own name in the book truthfully. I am so glad that Cheryl wrote this book and I hope that it helps many Type 1 and other diabetic woman on there pregnancy journey. I remember when we were tyring for #1 and I was so sad to find there were not any books that I felt like I could relate to in regards to Type 1 and pregnancy. I am so excited for Cheryl that the book is published and in people's hands!
I am praying that next Friday when I have my first ultrasound everything is perfect but I am trying not to put too much pressure on myself. My BG have been CRAZY stubborn but I am doing the best I can. I want to contact my endo and tell the office that once AGAIN I am pregnant and need help but I definitely do not want to jump the gun and be like the little boy that cried wolf.
It's time to change my pump site, take my meds including my beloved progesterone and hit the sack. Tomorrow I'll be laying by the pool, reading a book, drinking my non-alcoholic cocktail and thanking whatever powers that be that I am still pregnant.

This time will be different

2010-06-24T08:33:00.000-07:00

I have been vacillating whether I should write this or not because you know my whole world could come crashing down around my feet again. I haven't even told my husband. The only people that know are Amie at the Peri's office and the pharmacists at Wal.greens. I am not even sure that I want to say the word yet out loud.
I have no idea yet whether I am actually going to post this or not but I figure for my own journal I need to get it down. So if people other than me are actually reading this then I probably have already told DH and I decided to throw all caution to the wind. Again the details are solely for my own memory.
Because we had been back on the TTC bandwagon for over a year and with a twin pregnancy lost I was still monitoring ovulation. I had throw caution to the wind after the miscarriage and figured whatever happens, happens. We really were told not to start trying again until May. Honestly I wasn't really testing all that carefully.
On May 1,2010 DH was playing basketball with the guys at our synagogue before he left on a business trip. As he went to pivot, he felt an excruciating pain and I believe some noise that clued him into the fact he was very hurt. I was out of town at the time and DH were to be passing each other essentially on the freeway. The month of May ended up being quite the month. We had a couple trips planned and as soon as we arrived home we got news that DH would be having surgery and would not be able to drive for at least another month. Lots of carting around due to his knee injury...
The morning that I received a positive on my OPK I thought OK I guess we hadn't timed things too poorly. The first time we actually tried to make things work with DH's bum knee/leg was the night before. I tried to keep my eyes open and awake the next night as I knew that would be the prime evening for action. No such luck. Then next morning when I tested high again I knew I had to be all business. It still was very awkward with his leg and I really thought to myself that this cycle was a wash anyway. Keep in mind that this cycle would have given me a due date of late February or very early March. Take into account I knew I would only be allowed 38 weeks because of my other health issues and so when thinking about dates I knew that would be a nightmare because of our family tax accounting firm.
For the last two or so weeks I had been falling asleep and having VERY vivid dreams. This was almost my first clue something was different. I had a couple episodes of nausea in some odd places but no other real symptoms. Add to the fact that we have been so very busy with birthdays, anniversaries and plans to head to Las Vegas this weekend while Izzie goes to my SIL's with my other nieces and nephew.
I had been keeping track of when I could test and agonizing every time I went to the bathroom, praying I didn't see any red. Monday while DH was at therapy I quickly ran over to the pharmacy and bought two digital pregnancy tests. Monday night/Tuesday morning around two am I woke up and knew I should test. I thought it would be easy as pie to take those digital tests but because I didn't read the directions I totally flubbed it up. It came up with two lines but I was supposed to be doing the test while the stick was in some kind of digital monitor. I totally screwed it up and laid in bed for four hours beating myself up over how I could have flubbed this up, espcially after the hundreds of pee sticks I have taken over the years. At six am I got up again and read the directions this time. The test came up positive almost right away. I debated again about telling DH but had already decided the day before that I could not handle DH's face when I told him. I still feel like I need to find the right moment to tell him.
After I dropped DH off at work and Izzie off at school I began the phone calls to my insurance company (discussing why they denied my progesterone last time), the perinatologists office (I thought they might want a beta), and a call to the pharmacy. I was fully expecting that the peri would want a beta but no such luck. They feel that given the past times I have been pregnant my numbers looked perfect and continued to look perfect and then everything went south. The plan is to have an ultrasound at six-ish weeks on July 9, 2010. The progesterone was started but everything else I was already on. My other testing back in April indicated that their is not much else they can do for me.
I am scared that I am not having many symptoms other than occasional nausea, vivid dreams (even with out the extra progesterone), boo.bs hurt but not that much, and really I am not THAT tired. I am excited in my own way, I am screaming it in my mind. It sort of feels like in my mind like one of the things that another blogger Mel says "PUPO" or pregnant until proven otherwise.
I know this is not in my control. Nothing I have done or have not done has proven to help anymore or any less. I have been working on my BG and believe me it has been very stubborn. I know this is the one thing that I have semi-control over and can help me.
I bought DH a card that had the Vegas sign on it and some kind of baby congratulations on it. On the inside it said what happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas. We'll see if I actually get enough courage to give that card to him while we are in Vegas. I feel like he really should know but again it is one of the most awful things to see him in pain. I know he tries to be strong for me but honestly I can handle the physical pain, it's the emotional pain of seeing him sad that kills me.
I have a vision of holding another bundle that is my own at the end of February. I am keeping my eye on the prize and thinking as positively as I can that this is all going to work out.

Sometimes all you need is retail therapy

2010-05-04T08:58:00.001-07:00

Or slowly back away from the debit card...

This last weekend I got to spend it with a few of my favorite people. My older sister, one of my other very good friends and I went on a girls weekend to a major city about four hours from us. It was just what I needed in a weekend away. We shopped, drank and ate until we were exhausted and then we got up and did it all over again the next day.

Last week ended up being a little rougher on my emotions than I had anticipated. Nothing earth shattering happened. It just turned out to be more than I expected. Several times I wanted to get on the blog and post about National Infertility week. I wanted to participate in a project that Mel was working on over at her blog in collaboration with RESOLVE. I could not bring myself to write about the "What IF". I was able to write as best as I could during the first part of the project the "What IF" statement but the second portion of the project was to come back to your own blog and write something. I just can't do that.

A little less than two weeks prior to last Thursday DH and I went back to the perinatologists office for some further testing. That for me was a lesson in emotional stamina if I have ever had one. All those enormously pregnant bellies sitting all around me. Not a chair in the large waiting room was unfilled. I choked back tears on several occasions while sitting in the waiting room until my name was called. It seemed like time was dragging on though I know from my watch we only had to wait five minutes. Amie called our name and we were back in an exam room in a flash. I was glad to finally be back in their office because maybe I would get some answers for RPL but knew that I would probably be no further along in my quest for answers after all the testing. Lots of question were answered, tubes and tubes and tubes of blood drawn and scenarios run through but at the end of it I didn't feel much better than when I entered. My dream of a sibling for Izzie was no further along than 10 weeks ago when we found out another pregnancy was gone. Amie told me to be optimistic and that within two weeks the results should be back. She let me know how we would move forward if we had certain outcomes. I always have to play devil's advocate and I wanted to know how to move forward if we found out nothing. Amie did not want to even go there until we had the results back.

Several days later Amie called with the first batch of tests. All levels were within normal range. I again asked Amie how we would move forward but she had no other answers until the other tests came back. The rest of that week I thought of all the possible outcomes from the tests, I want answers, I want to know how we are going to move forward. I want resolution.

I was getting excited for our big girls trip last weekend. Trying to get everything squared away with the house, Izzie and DH so I could go away. I was not expecting a call last week at all from Amie but the second I saw the prefix on my cell phone I knew it would be her. The results were in from the tests....there are no answers, nothing. All my numbers are in range, my hormones are good, our chromosomes look good, their is nothing out of the ordinary. I always have the big red D stamped across my chest which gives ever doctor, nurse or medical professional to drop that it could be related to that. But Amie, she is a smart one. She knew better than to even travel down that road. My A1C was almost perfect, my day to day numbers are good, their always could be some tweaking but over all it probably does not have much to do with it. I just fall on the bad side of the luck, unexplained.

I am stuck. Amie told me she had spoken with both Dr's H and M and they both agreed the course of action is to wait until I am pregnant AGAIN and THEN start progesterone AGAIN along with aspirin (which to be honest I never stopped), along with the therapeutic levels of folic acid (which I never stopped). I never stopped the metformin which according to some research may help in miscarriage of a Type 1 too. Beyond those things their is not much they can do. Amie thinks she can help once I am pregnant again but their guess is as good as mine. My outcome was not better than any other time I have been pregnant except that single time with Izzie. I have no idea what was different this time or any other time for that matter than with that one single pregnancy with Izzie. I just want to be moving forward doing something, ANYTHING.

After my call with Amie the day went downhill. The tears for no other reason than she had called, I really thought I could be pregnant again (except for the stark white pee stick) and the fact that not fifteen minutes later I started to have the most horrendous cramps of my life made the day a wash. All the excited texts were flying about the weekend ahead and I had nothing.

By Thursday evening I had run the scenario over and over and over in my mind, if Izzie is all we get than it has to be enough. I said it to myself a million times and I know way down deep in the very deepest part of my heart, in the tiniest, darkest part that it is true. If Izzie is all we get than it is enough but the bigger part of my heart just isn't ready. I just can't give up, it isn't enough yet. For me six losses just isn't enough and I am not done and I am not ready to give up yet, even if I don't have any answers. It isn't enough.

By Friday morning I wasn't in a great place but I was better. The rain was coming down hard and I was committed to having a good time with the girls; putting everything out of my mind. And though we got a two hour late start (thanks Sarah) we shopped until we dropped. I didn't look at any of the baby clothes or toys or other things. When someone made a comment about the adorable baby things and how amazing it was that Izzie was out of those sizes and so big I marched right on by without a word or a second thought. Really, truly I did not give it another thought. I bought mounds and mounds of things for Izzie and I didn't give another thought the whole weekend to a second child. For this last weekend, Izzie was enough. And though today I am back to obsessing about how I haven't done enough, been through enough, I need more, for the weekend I got to see the tiniest, darkest, smallest part of my heart where she is enough.

Spring is FINALLY here

2010-03-31T19:38:00.001-07:00

Thank goodness the weather is finally nicer in my area. The sunshine directly affects my mood after so many long winter days. I am glad that the sun is shining and the air is warm, even if I don't get to be outside playing in it.
Life is busy. It usually is this time of year. It's good to be busy though I find myself with a wandering mind. I want to be at home playing with Izzie or taking long walks to the park with Izzie and the dog. Soon enough I suppose that will happen.
I went last week for a check-up with my endo. It was supposed to be an eight week check-up appontment because of the twins. Oh well, their were still things that we could discuss and I was anxious to see what my A1c was. It was down a full point which I was so glad to see. I decided right after the miscarriage that I was going to keep all my basals the same as if I was pregnant. I was assuming I would want to get right back on the wagon as soon as we were given the green light.
Time seems to be passing quickly most days though I have had several days recently where I felt like I wanted to hit fast forward and just skip these weeks all together. The ride has been interesting.
I had some testing at the endo's office last week. He only wanted to do a VERY small segment of the testing that could have been done. I asked to be tested for a few autoimmune issues that could be affecting RPL, Dr. T. was only willing to do a portion of the panel and told me he thinks he should stick to what he knows and let the RE or perinatologist do what they are good at. I guess I will wait the two more weeks and go back to the peri and have the rest of the panels drawn. It tweaks my nerves a bit that one Dr. can't just do it all. Moving on...
I got somewhat of a surprise at the endo's office from the nurse Sharon. I knew that she had gone through infertility herself but you never REALLY know anyone's story unless they share it with you. When we were going through it the first time Sharon shared bits and pieces but on Friday she really surprised me while she was drawing my labs for the panels. She spent probably a good twenty or more minutes with me in the room sharing all that they went through, telling me some of the awful things that happened to them (20 some odd years ago). I was absolutely floored she shared all this with me. She told me over and over again how sorry she was. As someone who had been through it I knew that her words were truly heartfelt. It really made me feel better.

I am getting better. Those first weeks were really rough. I run into people in the store or at the gas station or in the office and they tell me how sorry they are. I continue to be surprised at how people find out and who told whom. I have been surprised by the sensative comments and also surprised by the asshat comments too. People never cease to amaze me.

The rollercoaster

2010-03-26T14:06:00.000-07:00

It feels a bit weird to be on this ride again. It kind of feels like a pair of older shoes that you never really loved but that were worn in and you always wore them because you knew that's what you were supposed to be wearing. You aren't wearing the shoes because you really want to.

I think I am to the point where I know that from the beginning of this pregnancy I had a feeling things weren't going to end well. As much as I tried to convince myself otherwise it just wasn't the case. It is obviously my lot in life to have miscarriages I just hope that after so many (whatever that number is) I get to have another pregnancy and another child.

I definately have good days and bad days as can be expected. I am right back on the rollercoaster of a few years ago with infertility. Good with my lot in life some days and others it seems as though my life is crashing down. Lots of friends and family have told me how strong I am but that just isn't the case and I know it. I don't have any other choice. If I knew a different path, if I knew a different way I would certainly be trying it.

Life is good, work is stressful (it's tax season), my eating habits are poor right now, and my exercise routine is non-exsistant. But things are good. I keep telling myself. I am finding joy in all the little things my daughter is doing. Potty training is quite the treat. I never knew how much joy one could derive from "princess Und.ies". Let me say right here, right now, IT"S A BIG DEAL! The little things have made me feel remarkably better. Just as I think I have finally turned a corner and maybe just maybe today will be the day that I don't take a few minutes to reflect on what could have been something happens. Right at the forefront of my mind is how crazy bad I don't want Izzie to be an only child. I know I have said to so many people over the last three to four years that if I only ever get to have Izzie than she is enough and she really is but I so badly don't want her to be the only one.

2010-03-01T08:35:00.000-08:00

What a perfect way to end a shitty week, strep throat. It never ceases to amaze me how I end up with this crap.
In general I having been feeling pretty good. Physically I thought I was doing well. I did end up going to a massage therapist to help with the after effects of the torso/surgery issues. I felt pretty good getting up off the table and my torso was doing so much better though when I went to stand up straight whatever she did caused my lower region to cramp. I was doubled over in pain for most of that day. Too bad that happened at nine in the morning. I worked the remainder of the day with the help of drugs. Drinks that night and the next were helpful.

The best medicine thus far has been a fellow RPL buddy that lives here in my city. She was up and willing to go for drinks when I emailed her at 1:00 in the morning. Thursday we spent a good portion of the evening sucking down cocktails. The best part was when I got stuck in her neighborhood and almost didn't make it out. Maybe if I could have stopped laughing for a few seconds I could have pulled my shit together and figured out where I was (not two blocks from the main road). I felt a million times better that evening and I was so thankful that we got to spend some time together. I was about three deep breathes away from tears a couple times during the evening but all in all it was perfect.

Friday I felt decent, I had slept well and all seemed good good other than I was exhausted still. I chalked it up to drinks the night before. Saturday when I went into the office I felt like crap. Tired and a very sore throat but figured their was no way it was anything other than dry air and winter that had given me the sore throat. By Saturday night I was pretty sure I was in trouble. I was sound asleep by 9 pm.

By the time I was up on Sunday I knew it was strep throat. How do I get this lucky? One trip to the urgent care later and I am full of drugs again. Lucky me. Usually by day two I feel well enough to go about my day but apparently this case of strep really has a tight grip on me. I have barely been able to move. I am hoping that any second I am going to feel better.

The brightest spot in my day so far has been that February is FINALLY over. For that I am thankful, and I would just like to move forward!

2-23-10

2010-02-23T06:29:00.001-08:00

Today I feel pretty good. The surgery went well. Dr. M. told DH that everything went well and as expected. I was thankful that DH was able to be there. Saturday DH thought he might be coming down with something and Sunday he was in really bad shape and in the bathroom most of the day and night.
I was not afraid going into surgery and I haven't cried since Sunday and then it was only two or three tears. I am thankful that no one is asking me questions or talking about twins. It seems that everyone around me is pregnant, that there are extra baby and pregnancy commercials on TV and it's all anyone is talking about. I have several pregnant friends in IRL and my Fac.eboo.k page it seems is also bombarded with pregnant friends. Near and far everyone is pregnant but me.

This surgery went much easier for me than previous ones. I attribute this to the fact that I was asleep this time. The staff at the hospital was extra nice or maybe they are always like that but whatever it was they were helpful and kind. I was given triple doses of anti-nausea medicine, one that made me dry heave but I felt perfect right after that and the rest of the day.

My only side effect from surgery has been that because of the muscle relaxer they gave me to intubate me made me unable to move my torso without excruciating pain. Everything gynecological feels about the way it should. I am not in too much pain and the aftermath is pretty much what I expected. I had a crazy bad headache when I woke up from surgery and realized that I had tears in my eyes when I woke up and the surgery was over. I wasn't feeling all that sad.

I am still fearful of what the next step will be (or won't be) but I am trying to take it one day at a time. I really want to jump to three cycles from now and start again. I feel like these last twelve weeks haven't even happened. I suppose it is a coping mechanism.

My thoughts 2-20-10

2010-02-20T09:30:00.000-08:00

I was a mess yesterday afternoon after our appointment. The hospital called several times to go over the surgery for Monday. The actual procedure I am not worried about at all.

I am sort of surprised how hard this has been for me this time around. It doesn't unfortunately feel like it has a lot to do with that fact that I am losing two lives that I thought were to be living, breathing parts of our family. It makes me so angry how hard I have worked over the last several months and most especially the last twelve weeks to make things perfect for these two humans I thought I was growing. I can't believe the amount of extra effort it takes for a Type 1 to go through a pregnancy even though I have done this FIVE times before.

I don't have a good explanation for my anger. Every time I think about the anger I cry. My eyes are the biggest, reddest, puffiest they have been in years.

I came back to the office after my appointment to wrap a few things up. I was certain that I could hold it together for the rest of the afternoon. That was no to be. I ended up leaving for home about forty five minutes after I got back. DH didn't even go back to work. Apparently he drove around aimlessly after the appointment. When I called to say I was going home he said he was going to pick up Izzie and meet me back at the house. When they arrived I was already in my pj's and in bed. I have no idea why I even laid in bed. I guess I felt like that is where I should be. Physically I feel fine. Mentally I am a cluster mess.

Another four inches of snow fell yesterday afternoon/evening, adding to our already huge abundance of snow on the ground. Going out with me in this state was not an option. I gave DH and Izzie permission to go out and do something fun with out me and I was honest when I said it. Instead they stayed home and we watched Disney movies, played with tutu's and ate chocolate cookies with ice cream for dinner. It seemed right and fair since I have been severely limiting my carb intake that cookies and ice cream be a reward for something that isn't to be, right?

It wasn't until ten or ten thirty after we had watched most of the Tiv.o'd episode of Priv.ate Pr.active that I lost my shit again. Toward the end of the episode the husband and wife lose their son that they had conceived via IVF and was born too soon with no intestines (or something to that effect) I lost it. I asked DH to fast forward to the end of the episode but pretty much that was the end of me. It was all downhill from there.

This morning I am doing better. No tears so far but I was also back at the office, bright and early. Nothing like a gigantic glass of iced tea from Sta.rbucks to brighten your day. It has made me feel better than I have in 13 weeks or more.

I just can't get over how upset I am over all of this. I continue to feel like I should be better at this....you know....because I've done it before.

The end 2-19-10

2010-02-19T19:17:00.000-08:00

Today at 1:40 we learned that Twin A had no heartbeat, they are both gone. Come Monday their will be no more pregnancy #6. Their really is not much to say. The whole ultrasound was a joke. The tech was joking with us about prepairing me for the worst (because I had to have ANOTHER vag ultrasound instead of the transabdominal I was expecting). I asked if she was implying that this ultrasound was going to end badly. She tried to back step and tell me that was not wasnot what she was trying to say but the damage to me was done. This tech is for sure my bad luck charm. I knew it going into the appointment watching her call my name with her largely pregnant belly. She is the only one in this office who has delivered bad news to me repeatedly. Lucky her!

Two sacs came up on the screen. She only looked at the one. DH was convinced she was looking at the wrong sac as we knew that Twin B was gone. I had convinced myself over the last two weeks that maybe that wasn't even true, that maybe they were wrong. I know this is a high risk office but maybe they were wrong. Everyone makes mistakes. It's true, their is no denying that Twin A was curled up this time with no movement and no heartbeat. I have no idea how long Twin A has been gone.

Having been through this five previous times I feel like it should be easier. So far this time isn't any easier than any of the others. When the ultrasound tech told us she was so sorry for the nine hundredth time I finally said it wasn't her fault. That is obvious, why I said it I have no idea.

Since I have no bleeding and not much cramping Monday I will become un-pregnant. It sounds awful but at least they will put me under this time. I thank g-d everyday and have during this pregnancy for small miracles. I guess I should do the same as it ends. At least I don't have to go through the physical and mental pain of being awake for the procedure as I have been awake previously. I am pretty certain I am scarred for life from my previous experiences.

I am so thankful that Aimee the PA was again able to talk to me and DH. I got lots of hugs from her which at the time felt like nothing but looking back now a few hours it was so sweet of her. They will do a bunch of testing in a few weeks to see if they can help me any further. I don't know that I want to go back to the RE, though now it seems as though maybe this will be our only option if the peri's can't help.

Life doesn't just throw me lemons it freaking pelts them at me!

2-5-10

2010-02-05T13:30:00.000-08:00

Today's scan makes it official. Twin B is gone. Nothing growing. Twin A had a heartbeat twice of 200 and once of 190. That is way too high. Could be a number of reasons why this is happening.

I was calm when we learned that number two had no growth over the last week, no beating heart. The tech told us it was a loss no matter what I said. I tried to make her feel better. She said she was so sorry several times. It's not her fault. I want it to be mine but I feel like I can't even take responsibility for how many times I have tried to grow a human and it hasn't happenned, obviously it is not in my control. Every time I think I have a handle on the situation it's just right outside my reach.

Well shit...they want to see me back in two weeks. I will be eleven weeks by that point. Their is nothing to do about twin b. Let my body do it's work to absorb it and pray that the other one is OK. Pray that now that I know for sure that there will not be two babies come the Jewish New Year that at least there will be one. I promised my unmarried sister that this was our year. She prayed for me and I prayed for her. This was going to be our year. Now what?

I so badly wanted to be able to tell my grandmother this weekend at her birthday party that she would be the proud great grandmother to two more come Rosh Hashanah. I even said to DH this morning while we were waiting for our scan that even though I felt a bit uneasy about it, that if there was a heartbeat this time in #2 than I wanted to tell my grandma. I guess that was not to be either.

Another one of my good friends from Mah Jong e-mailed me yesterday to let me know she is eleven weeks pregnant. Just a few weeks in front of me. I had guessed she was pregnant on my own. I talked to her right after our last friend so insensitively (in my opinion) announced she was pregnant. At least this friend e-mailed me, thank goodness. I told her that I too had news but that I was not ready to announce just yet. See just when I think I have a handle on things the rug is pulled out from under me.

1-29-2010

2010-02-02T13:22:00.000-08:00

Different week same thing. Today is Friday... finally. All this waiting and coming in to see what has changed over the week is making me insane. Again, thank g-d for small miracles. At least I get to see each week the progression.

I like the security of knowing that I will get to have an ultrasound and see what is going on but I can't stand the not knowing. It has been a huge lesson in patience and just proves that this is not in my hands at all. Over the last several years while dealing with IF I have had to learn this hard lesson. Every day with this pregnancy has taught me patience.

My numbers came back from last week 31,000 and something. Dr. H and Aimee agreed last week given that now this was a twin pregnancy that it would be a good idea for me to go on the vag progesterone suppositories. Gotta love those. I figured it would be no big deal, they would call in the script and all would be taken care of. Aimee did call in the script but it is never easy when it comes to me. The pharmacy told her that they would have to order it in and it would be available for pick-up anytime the next day. When I went to go pick it up not only did they not have it but they had forgotten to order it. I had talked to the pharmacist after Aimee talked to them the day before and the progesterone was already ordered according to them. After a trek across town I was able to pick up the script but that was after another call from the pharmacy to let me know that my insurance would cover no part of the medicine. Big surprise there! The three hundred dollars it cost to pick it up was like a drop in the bucket. It could have been so much worse. It was nothing like the $975.00 I paid to pick up two diabetes drugs.

I had really high hopes today that when we went for the ultrasound this week that both little sacs would have beating hearts and lots of growth. When I was called back to the ultrasound room I got the pregnant tech AGAIN from the first week and that did not start my time off right. She tried to get an ultrasound the tradition way (pants on) but I knew it was too good to be true. Pants off and I get the wand again. Today it felt like she was scraping the back of my eyeballs when she did the ultrasound. It was very uncomfortable. She was able to see a beating heart in the one sac and nice growth but did not give us any other details. Sac two was definitely bigger than last week I swear their was a yolk sac and fetal pole in there. The tech wasn't too keen on giving any details other than it looked bigger than last time and that something was defiantly in the sac but she had no idea what. Again, we got to wait and then were taken back to an exam room and were joined by both Dr. H and Aimee again. I bet they love to see me. I got the same talk as last time about not announcing anything...yet. We obviously know that we shouldn't announce anything yet and I wouldn't do that until we were past our twelfth week in any case.

I know once I even make it to twelve weeks so many things can go wrong. We go in again next Friday for yet another scan. It is nice to see growth each week but I feel like I almost hold my breath all week long until my appointments.

I did end up telling my parents a few weeks ago about the pregnancy. Especially since I work with them and the knew something was up. My mom is begging me to tell my grandma next weekend at her 80th birthday party that we are pregnant with twins. It scares me to absolute death to do that. We will see after next Friday's scan what's up. I will be 8 or 9 weeks at that point. I don't even know how to count the weeks anymore based on the growth.

1-21-2010

2010-02-02T09:09:00.000-08:00

Blood work came back that same day I had my last appointment with Aimee. Beta on the 14th was 8995. We talked a bit about what else I could be doing to help this pregnancy along. Aimee felt like I was doing everything I could be doing. She had talked to Dr. H. and they both felt like we just needed to wait and see.

Another ultrasound today...YEAH! I was called back by one of my favorite ultrasound women. Thank g-d for small miracles. I know she has been at the office forever and she is good. I was feeling extra nauseous this morning and needed water right when I laid down for the ultrasound. I allowed the student to be in the room today. This was a huge step for me. I was convinced that today we would see the heart beating and we did, 138 bpm. There was lots of looking at different things and all kinds of shots and then I swear I saw a second sac but of course did not say ANYTHING to anyone. I figured who knows what that was and I already had enough on my plate without worrying about a second one. Nah, couldn't be...

The ultrasound is finished up and we are ushered into an exam room again for the second week. It was several minutes before Aimee and Dr. H both show up in the room this time. It is definite that there are two sacs. It is twins but they have instructed me that given that one has a heartbeat (and was measuring a bit behind) that I shouldn't say anything to anyone. DH reassured Dr. H. that we haven't told a soul about this pregnancy. We have been through this too many times and know better.

Plan of action is to test my blood again and come in again in a week and see where we are at. After everyone left the room DH and I couldn't believe that we both saw the second sac at the same time but neither one of us wanted to ask what it was. Twins, wow! This could be good or it could be really bad. On the way downstairs in the elevator I mentioned to DH that I have been to three different palm readers over the years and ALL three have told me I would have three children. I have always told DH that two is the number for me if we could achieve that. Maybe something else has bigger plans.

You just never know do you?

1-14-2010 First ultrasound

2010-02-02T08:54:00.000-08:00

I am so nervous today. My appointment with the high risk OB is at 10:10 this morning. I can't stand the waiting. This is the worst (actually I know it can be worse). What if my numbers have fallen? What if their is nothing in their when they do the ultrasound? Please let me be strong. I literally have begged and pleaded (and prayed) to every known higher power to make this work. I try to talk to the little cell clump every evening before falling asleep begging it to just hang on and grow bigger, and healthier. I signed up for pregnancy updates every week, but now I wonder if that is a mistake. What if this pregnancy doesn't survive? One hour until I have some answers.

1-14-2010 2pm

Well, that was quite the experience. I have no more answers than I did this morning. I arrived at the ultrasound and I was hopeful but scared. As soon as they called me back I knew things might not be good. The ultrasound woman had a student with her. They asked if she could be present. I actually said no. I know that wasn't a great thing to do but you know if it all goes south I really don't want the student in there. They quickly ushered the student out and I had my lower half undressed and buns on the table in a matter of seconds (almost like I had done this before). Wand was in the tech was jabbing me so hard I thought I was going to scream but I was too busy looking for ANYTHING inside the sac to care about the pain. She moved the wand around an awful lot and that was when I figured things were not good. She asked me several times if I was sure of my dates. I asked a lot of questions and I got the hushed answers that the doctor or PA would have to answer most of the questions. She asked me to get dressed and wait to find out what to do next.

They took me back to see Aimee the PA (who I love). I was not in the least bit optimistic at all. Aimee tried to calm my fears and told me they wanted me back the next week to have another ultrasound to see where we were. She had me convinced that it was still so early and we needed to give it time. Aimee took blood and we were mostly on our way. I had to ask on my way out if indeed it did turn south if one of the two doctors would do the D&C or was I going to have to go back to the old OBGYN. Of course she said they would take care of whatever help I needed.

Still waiting to find out next week I guess...

1-7-2010

2010-02-02T08:47:00.001-08:00

Relatively easily I got my repeat beta number today. Doubling number was 1389, yeah for today! The office staff at the OBGYN office forced me to make my first two appointments. They are for eight and ten weeks. I believe I am currently 5 weeks.

Today is a snow day and daycare is closed. After getting me repeat beta numbers and I know it is a good doubling number I called over to the perinatologists office. I still am not convinced all will end well however I have been looking forward to this day for the last week and a half. I wanted to wait until I had a good beta number to call over to the peri's office and ask what my next step is.

When I called over to the peri's office I got to speak with my favorite PA right away. That made me happy and she made me feel so much better after a few quick words. They would see me next week for a viability scan. At least that was something. Though I am still quite nervous, today I think I might make it. Waiting until next week to see what happens.

1-6-2010 Repeat betas

2010-02-02T07:52:00.000-08:00

***I will continue to post the entries I made over the last 11.5 weeks, leading up to this point***

Quite a snafu getting my numbers yesterday with the doctors office. The receptionist and on call nurse told me I had to wait to hear back from MY doctor. I waited almost all day and heard nothing, finally I called again and waited on the phone to get "my" nurse. I can't wait to give this office the boot IF I actually stay pregnant.

My beta is 555, a good number for today and MUCH higher than with my daughter. Now I am nervous this pregnancy might be tubal because of all the pain and high-ish numbers but not many symptoms.

The nurse agrees that I should come in today to have a repeat but she and the doctor won't be there tomorrow to give me results however "ANYONE" can give me the results. Which I know to be a bunch of crap because I just went through this with them to get these results. I worry about that battle tomorrow when I call because I know they won't call me.

This afternoon I went for the repeat beta. The woman was slightly nicer than the woman the other day but still had a somewhat sour attitude. I guess it takes a special kind of grumpy person to work the lab there. I have been to a decent amount of labs in my time given all my fertility tests, diabetes, thyroid issues, etc. and mostly they have been pleasant. I have no idea what the issue is.

Anxiously waiting the repeat number!

1-4-2010

2010-02-02T07:45:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!!! It has been quite the weekend.

Four calls to the OBGYN office today and no return calls. I finally got the nurse on the phone and explained that my endocrinologist needs some blood work run in addition to the beta and my progesterone. The nurse couldn't care less what my issue is. They have a system in there office they DO NOT deviate from their system. Fuck their system. I realize that I don't follow their normal path and that they don't bring woman in for their first ultrasound and appointment until between 8 and 12 weeks but I need help.

I had to beg for blood this afternoon. The endo had already faxed over the labs needed for them last week so that should be sitting there waiting when I get to the lab. I am just supposed to show up at the lab at about two forty five and the orders will be down there. Can't wait for this appointment. I am so nervous. I really have no symptoms and I have a fair amount of cramping. I hope this isn't over before it has begun.

1-4-2010 (4 pm)

Well, that sucked. I was so nervous on the way to the lab I couldn't stand it. I just kept praying that everything would be good. When I got to the lab to check in they gave me all kinds of problems. The tech didn't know why I was having this test without that test and on and on. I don't understand why they couldn't just do what was asked of them. I am going to have to pay for these tests out of my own damn pocket anyway. Even if it was to go through insurance they didn't ask for my card or anything. The lab tech after fifteen or so minutes and several calls back and forth to the doctor got things squared away. I tried to make jokes with her while she was taking my blood, especially since I am a bit of a hard stick. She didn't care. She was totally rude and I wasn't even out of my chair with my sleeve rolled down before she was out the door with her coat and hat. I tried to verify before she walked through the door if I was just to come to the same place, same time on Wednesday. She gave me no answer until the second time when she said, "I Guess". I know one number doesn't mean much but please let my number be good.

12-30-09 afternoon

2010-01-29T10:09:00.000-08:00

Tried to call the old OBGYN that is the only office I know I can go to and they will do a first beta. I think I am exactly four weeks today. All I want is for someone to give me a first beta with a second one on Friday. I just want to know if my numbers double. Why is the Dr.'s office giving me hell.

No one wants to give me the beta today. They told me they will call me next Monday and they can help me then. I know today is the day before New Year's Eve but why are people being so un-helpful. Actually this is fairly typical for this Dr.'s office. I should not be surprised.

I guess we just wait and see and I go insane over the weekend waiting to find out what to do next.

A look back over the last 11.5 weeks

2010-01-29T09:45:00.000-08:00

Over the next several days I plan to post the entries that I had been saving over the last 11.5 weeks. A look into my life.

12-30-09
It's been exactly four weeks since one of my good friends announced that she was 13 weeks pregnant. I am so happy for her, don't get me wrong. It's just that....well...I am really, really pissed.

For months DH and I have been trying for number two. Granted I want to have an early start being that we had quite an issue the first four times we got pregnant. And though things turned out just fine and I feel like we won the biggest prize ever with Izzie, I knew number two could be a challenge. I was only beginning to get a bit stressed about number two and it had only been six months. I was starting to get my ducks in a row so that after tax season we could go back into treatments. I still felt like I was in a good place.

Then I went for my three month check at the Endocrinologists office and he called me back a week later to tell me that my TSH was CRAZY high and he wanted me back in for more testing. At the appointment we talked about my need for a CGMS and my crazy high TSH. It made me a bit crazy as it just reinforced...one more thing...to add to my every growing plate of "issues".
Now what do I do?
When the doctors office called back with results my TSH was still high but my other numbers turned out to be right in range. Wait and see was the diagnosis, with the caveat that "IF" I should get pregnant than I needed to be in there office asap for repeat tests. I figured it was one more thing on my IF plate and their would be no way I would get pregnant anyway and I let the nurse know that in my anger.

Fast forward a few weeks. Mah Jong is at my house and my nine friends are there to play. One of the girls just had a baby a few months prior and this was her first time back. She is an older first time mother and she is always asking me about my IF experiences. She was very sensitive when she asked questions (all the girls know about our struggles). We ended up not playing Mahj at all that night. We talked for over four hours mostly about women's issues and other such things. Adoption came up as one of my best friends is adopted, our fertility struggle was out there a bit (though I did not say we were actively trying right then), we talked about OBGYN's and like I said we talked a lot about our struggle. My really good friend, who happens to be a counselor announced that she was 13 weeks pregnant. My mouth dropped and I tried to stay calm but the tears came gushing out. I was dumb founded. I ran out of my living room and into the bathroom off our family room and cried hysterically for several minutes. My husband who was watching TV in the family room knew better than to make a peep. It felt awful. I could not believe that she would announce in front of ALL of us at MY house that she was pregnant.

Just two weeks before that at her house she went on and on and on about how she doesn't understand why people are hocking her about a second child (Izzie and her daughter are three months apart). She literally gave our group a diatribe about this. And then two weeks later after four hours of talking about all kinds of fertility issues she drops this bomb at MY HOUSE. I had no where to go and hide. I had to come out and join the group, red, puffy eyes and all. My friends all left shortly after that. Several of them said my eyes looked red and tired. One of my best friends even asked if I was pregnant. I of course told her no and let her know just how insensitive the question was.

I have cried about this literally off and on for the last four weeks. This month when I knew that I was close to the time we got conceive I tried every herb, and wives tale that I could think of.

This morning when I tested, the line was faint but it was definitely there. Today I am pregnant. Exactly four weeks to the day that my friend announced for all nine of my friends to hear that she was 13 weeks pregnant.

I never really left

2009-12-31T16:08:00.000-08:00

I just haven't been able to post in the spot for a very long time. Every time I would come here it was always a reminder of the things that I wanted but couldn't quite reach. I went password protected several months ago and was happy to have a space where I could write freely what I was thinking and feeling without judgement. I suppose in retrospect if I would have been writing here this whole time maybe I would have received the support I needed.

I am in a bit of a better spot now which makes it easier for me to come here and update. Health wise things are looking up. BG is under better control and getting better each and every day. I took the plunge and went on the CGMS that works with my insulin pump about a month ago. That has definitely been a very rocky road. I did a trial run of a CGMS back in January 2009 from another brand, I had a lot more trouble. The fact that I can see what my BG is every five minutes is a bit intimidating and the fact that it isn't all that accurate scares me but it provides me the safety I need since I was constantly going very high and very low without any warning. Every day I get a little better picture of what my BG is all hours of the day. I have been trying to stay in really tight control so any help I could get has been beneficial.

On the child number two front. That road too has been rocky. The road has definately had some big road blocks but I think we are on our way to good things (I HOPE)! I am thankful that I have met someone here in my city that blogs as well and has some of the same issues as I regarding pregnancy. It has helped immensly to have her to talk to IRL.

Hopefully this time I am back for good. As 2009 draws to a close I hope for big things in 2010. I wish you all a very happy, HEALTHY New Year!!!

To move on?

2009-05-05T13:17:00.000-07:00

I can't stand to see the last post at the top of the screen each time I visit my blog.
It's not that I haven't wanted to posted here a million times over the last several months or that I didn't have anything to say, it's more that it doesn't feel like I can say what I want in this space.

I know their are people who read this blog IRL and don't comment and I feel like I have to sensor each and everything I say. It has been an internal battle with what I feel like I can say or can't say in this space. I think I am almost to the point where I HAVE to write again but I need a new space to write.

Maybe it's time to move on?

I bit the bullet and it was a tough one to swallow

2009-01-12T14:20:00.000-08:00

Uh, it has been quite a while since I have logged on and actually done anything with this space. It kind of goes along with how I have been treating my health. I made a New Years resolution that I would get back on here and for my own sanity start to journal again. As is very apparent we are thirteen days into the new year and this is the first time I have logged in. As per usual I have been reading and commenting to everyone else, just completely neglecting my own space.

For months (OK almost nineteen) I have said I really need to take better care of myself. When I finally, finally, finally got pregnant and stayed that way for 38 weeks, I took the best care ever of my body. I did what I needed to do and then some. Once Izzie got here that went by the waste side.

I had been trying to motivate myself for months to not only lose weight but more importantly get my BG and diabetes under control. It was increasingly apparent that what I was doing was not working (IE. nothing at all). I put others needs in front of my own. After all, that is what a good parent does, right? Not so true if you want to live a long and healthy life as a diabetic. I guess I missed the lesson on that one.

Life had been moving along fairly well, new house, good job, adorable daughter, helpful husband and uhhh..suck health. I totally had dropped the ball on my own health. When I say dropped the ball I mean completely stopped checking my BG and was blindly bolusing my insulin. Definitely not a smart diabetic maintenance plan.

In the early fall, a Medronic rep called me to let me know that my insulin pump was no longer in warranty. Not only did he call my office several times a day he also called and left messages on our home phone as well. When my husband and my family caught wind of the phone calls they berated me until I called the man back about a new pump. I tried ineffectively to get a new insulin pump without a trip to the endocrinologist or a new script for the pump, knowing full well that I needed to make a trip to the endo. I really knew what would play out at the endo's office. It was bad and I knew it.

I decided that after all the grief my family had given me and my track record for not the best luck I needed to get that pump and make certain it was in warranty. The endo's office called me immediately after hanging up the phone with the pump rep and they requested to get me in the office ASAP. Not only did I not want to go, but my experiences with the Endo's office after the birth of Izzie were not exactly pleasant ones and I was not happy about a repeat performance. I am almost certain that it was nine months with no A1C.

I tried to think of every excuse why I shouldn't or couldn't go to the appointment but in the end decided I just needed to go. I had made up my mind that it wasn't a big deal. I had psyched myself up for the appointment and anxiously awaited the doctor to step in my room. Because I am just "that" lucky not only did I get my own endo but I also got a med student. Lucky me, they were going to make an example of me. My weight was out of control, my A1C was way up but not totally horrible, my cholesterol was horrible, bad blood pressure and I am certain their were other things as well that I totally put out of my mind during the appointment. The student glared at me the whole time, while my doctor told me what he thought we "ought" to do. What I thought we "ought" to do was bury our heads further into the sand.

I was already taking the BP meds and he was pushing for me to start some other meds which I would not agree to take but did fill the script on. I figured why not, my deductible was already met. A few days after that I received my new pump in the mail. It was bright and shiny and new but it sat unopened for almost two months. You would think being as I ended up paying almost $2500.00 out of my own pocket I would have been dying to open it and begin using it. yeah, not so much. I left it in the closet.

Finally in December I made the choice that I just needed to bite the bullet and move on and get healthier. I haven't been wonderful about taking off the weight but I most certainly have been checking my BG, taking my meds and that shiny new pump is currently attached to my belly and I am doing better.

I am not trying to make an excuse for why I stopped taking care of myself but I certainly was throwing myself a pity party. When things really started to unravel it was around the time that my sister in law cheerfully announced that they were going to be parents again. Uhhh, that hit me like a ton of bricks in the gut. I am truly happy with the life that I have and the adorable daughter that I am so lucky to have (with my own hard work). Boy did that announcement do something to me mentally. Not only did it open my eyes again to the fact that I shouldn't get pregnant with out MUCH planning on the diabetic front it also brought back front center the fact that it took several failed pregnancies to get one that worked.

I tend to get in these funks where I get so angry that I have to plan so much every day just to function. I tend to get really down on myself about it and then am able to snap out of it but not without doing some kind of damage. Great example is my weight, A1C and Cholesterol. I just need to get these things in balance.

So that's what I have been busy doing. I did not make any New Year's Resolutions other than to get on here and post more often. I am already doing a stellar job, can't you tell?

Or on second thought maybe tomorrow...

2008-09-18T13:18:00.001-07:00

So I said when I last posted a looooonnnngggg time ago that "TODAY" was the day that I was going to do better and start taking care of myself but so far that hasn't happened.

Everyday I keep up with a long list of blogs that many of which I don't even have listed on my sidebar. In fact my sidebar is so out of date two thirds of those people probably don't even blog anymore but the point is I am still reading even though I am not writing.

We all lived through the mess that was this summer. It went by so incredibly fast like the rest of my life over the last year that I barely blinked and then it was gone.

First it was Izzie's first birthday and two days before her party we put our house on the market, "just to see if something would happen".

July went by in a flash with preparations for my older sister's wedding. I spent day and night practically doing art projects and preparations for her big day. Not to mention the planning I had to take her on a "SURPRISE" cruise at the end of July. And wouldn't you know it....we got stuck in Milwaukee due to all the rain and my husband sold our house.

Somehow I just knew in the back of my mind that it would take the summer to sell our house and then someone would rush in and want us out at the end of August, three days after my sister's BIG, FAT, WEDDING was to take place. And guess what happened...

It was beyond exciting to sell our house in five short weeks but what did wonders on not only my blood glucose but my blood pressure was the fact that we had three and a half weeks to get completely packed in our house AND find a new one to move into all before the end of August.

We were lucky in that things on the house front turned out right and we were able to buy my parents' friends house. We spent time wrapping up plans to buy the new house and get the old house done so we could move out. Add to this the fact that I had house guests before my sister's wedding that I could not back out of, my dad came from Tucson for ten days and the fun of a 14 month old into everything to my packing list. Essentially I packed our house in the three days after my sister's wedding. The people we bought our new home from allowed us to move everything into the house before we owned it so we could be out of the old house for closing on the 28th of August. On the 29th we closed on the new house and moved our clothes and Izzie into my parents house for 10 days while Cletus did work on the new house. Last Monday we moved into the new place, gutted the master bath on Sat/Sun and Cletus left for business on Sunday night.

Izzie and I have been on our own doing our thing all week long. The boxes seem to be piled to the sky and I am thinking I need a big glass of wine and a miracle to get all these boxes undone.

On the plus side of things, the new house is so big and so nice (hope we can make the mortgage payment). We have an absolutely beautiful garden which has provided us with delicious fresh veggies. As soon as we even expressed interest in the new house the owners gave us loads of fresh veggies from the garden. Even though I have a complete BLACK THUMB my pet project for next year is going to be the garden. Having all of these fresh veggies every night is SO nice. Not to mention that we spent a lot of money to belong to a CSA this summer to get these same veggies. I know eating the fresh stuff at home is so much better for our health AND our pocket book.

As a segway (I know I have been all over the place in this post), does anyone want to be my Internet weight loss buddy so I can get my sugars and weight back in check and on the right path?? I need some serious motivation to get the ball rolling!!!

Today

2008-06-12T09:37:00.000-07:00

Today marks one year that she has been alive. Today makes a significant mark on my calendar. This year has gone faster than any year in my entire life. It has gone by so fast. The day to day sometime does not seem like it is traveling at the speed of light but I know that it is.
It is hard to believe that for so many years of my life I did not think it would be possible to have children, for so many years I pushed it to the back of my life. And I know given all the things that we went through in order to get Izzie many people went through more difficult things. But it is hard to believe that I am standing on the other side of something that I wanted for so long.

It's sort of amazing that I did whatever it took in order to get Izzie here and to make sure that she had the safest journey possible but not too many months after she was here I just stopped caring about my own health. Their were too many other pressing things (not really), that I put in front of my own care instead of doing what I should. Today marks Izzie's one year anniversary of her first breath and I am going to take better care of myself for her. Not only am I going to do it for Izzie and for myself, but for the rest of my family and friends, because I want to be around for a very long time. I have wasted to much time already beating myself up over what I am not doing. I am going to start over, try to post more on how I am doing and how I am reaching my goals. But in honor of Izzie's year of life I am going to make mine better.

On a lighter note:
We had Izzie's first birthday party on Saturday, just family mostly. It was so much fun. Izzie had the best time ever with her cake and all the new foods. I gave her a huge slice of watermelon which I was absolutely certain she was gong to throw because she LOVES to throw things. She took the piece of watermelon and went to town on it like watermelon was going out of style. I had a wonderful day just watching her light up at everything going on around here. It was such a fun day (completely exhausting). My husband got the joy of sucking water out of our basement shortly after the party ended. We live in an area with LOTS of flooding currently. We have been so lucky that we only had a VERY small amount of water and that it was easily cleaned up. My parents not so lucky!
It has been quite the week with all the water.

***I tried to post pictures but blogger is being a pain*** I will post pictures and maybe even a video very soon!

The best thing...

2008-06-06T09:13:00.000-07:00

The single best thing that has ever happened to me is having her first birthday party tomorrow.

I know I have been quiet here over the last few months. I have had a lot to say but haven't figured out a good way to write it out.

Izzie is so big and I can't believe she is having her first birthday next week. It is amazing.

I promise to come back and update in the next week or so and I have been continuing to read even though I have not been writing.

I will leave you with a picture of Izzie from the pool last week.

(I am sure my sister won't mind that her head is in the shot, right?)

The wake-up call I need

2008-02-07T13:46:00.000-08:00

Last Thursday as I was going about my day I got a call from my step-father. He was on the way back to our office ( I work with my parents). He was calling from the car and wanted to talk to someone. I could tell by his voice he was clearly shaken. He talked about a few quick things and then asked to be transferred to my mother. I could hear her pick up the phone as I transferred the call to her office. Our staff was out of the office due to a horrible snow storm here in the midwest.

I heard my mother sharply answer and as the conversation continued I could tell her voice was starting to waver as well. She was adament that she wanted to talk with the doctor. I could tell by her tone that my step-father had gotten bad news and she wanted to hear the news directly from the doctor. As soon as she got off the phone I walked into her office. My step-father had been to the foot doctor and the news was not good.

The story went something like this:

In the beginning of November my mother had some pretty serious surgery on her foot. She had to go for frequent checks on her foot. Her last appointment for her foot after surgery was four weeks ago. It just so happens that my step-father also goes to this same specialist for his "diabetic care". My step father is a Type 2 diabetic, he doesn't have much feeling in his feet. He has been on insulin since shortly after he was diagnosed which was I think almost 13 years ago. My mom's appointment with the specialist was on a Tuesday and my step- father always goes with her. The specialist and my parents have come to be pretty close, mostly because they have to go a lot. The Friday before the appointment my step-father, H., noticed what he thought was cellulitis beginning in his foot. Because he has had this before he has a standing script for medication so that it doesn't get out of hand. He was on the medication two short days before he noticed the medicine wasn't helping much. He was able to go to the clinic where his internist is and get a walk-in appointment. They gave him another drug. By Tuesday when my mom's appointment rolled around and he went to the foot specialist for her, he told the specialist all the trouble he was having (I think it was probably my mother insisting that he take off his sock).

When the specialist Dr. B. took one look at his foot she knew she needed to have a different course of action. For several weeks they tried stronger and stronger medicines but nothing seemed to make this toe sore heal. Last Wednesday when he went to his Dr. B. appointment she told him that she thought they might be running out of options and she was certain that his bone was infected. She wanted him to have a few tests done and then depending what they showed have part of his tone removed. Immediately on Thursday when he had the tests done they could see the infection in the bone. H was to continue on his antibiotics until this morning at which time he would go to the day surgery center and have the top bone of his second tone removed.

All weekend long H complained of how bad his leg hurt. We didn't ever ask to see his toe or his leg however knowing that his toe would have to be partially amputated seriously threw me for a loop. I mean just four weeks ago his foot was fine. He went to the doctor and was under excellent care for four weeks. How did this get out of hand?
Needless to say at 6 am this morning H went in for his partial toe amputation. It was to be a quick 20 minute surgery in which they do not put you under only numb you up (amazing really). When he got to the surgery center and went to take his pants off my mother noticed that his leg was not only bright red but a bright purple. He definately had cellulitis in his leg in addition to the bone infection. They did the surgery anyway, gave him massive amounts of antibiotics and took more toe than orignally planned.
Now that H is out of surgery and at home he will be sent to another ciculatory specialist who will most likely admit him to the hospital.

Diabetes is a horrible, horrible disease.
And if that wasn't bad enough, I saw this article this morning: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080210/ap_on_re_us/wedding_death

I have to get myself together and get myself back under control!

I hate to write it again

2008-01-29T09:24:00.000-08:00

The good part first.

Izzie is doing so well. Seven months old and she drinks like a champ from a regular cup, no sippy cups, no bottles, no pacifiers. About two weeks ago she was released from the surgeon with no restrictions. DH and I decided that it would be better to keep moving forward then to take any steps back. She is doing so well and I am thankful for that. Izzie started daycare last Monday. I know that she likes to be around all the other kids and the center where she goes is awesome but I still wish that I could be home with her. It honestly was to the point though here at the office where I was getting no work done because she is so active. It was time for her to go to daycare if I couldn't devote my full attention to her. She has been very ill the last week with the flu and a mongo cold, who knows if it is from daycare or if she was brewing it before but it has run the course of our house.

I know I shouldn't apologize for life getting in the way of my blog. I should try to make time, but life has been hectic.

Part of it is I think that when I come to this place I am reminded of things that I don't want to think about. Though it is fun to write about Izzie and I am so thankful every day that she is here there are other things that loom in my mind when I click around in this space.

I have been seriously neglecting my diabetes. So bad in fact on a day when traffic was bad and other things that were out of my control happened I did not make it a priority to make it to my endo appointment on time. I just didn't care. I haven't bothered to reschedule the appointment either. I don't care. I rarely check my blood, just bolus for the max amount most times and move on. I guess the upside is that at least I am bolusing. My weight is a serious issue. I am at the highest I have EVER in my life been. When I see myself in pictures I look like the Pill.sbury dough girl. That is how obese I am. And though it makes me so sad that I am "that" fat, I just don't care. DH is on a weight loss team at his office and I don't care that I need to figure out a way to lose weight. I just don't care.

I want to be there obviously for Izzie and I don't want to have all the effects of what diabetes and obesity can do to you but I just can't seem to do what I need to in order to be healthy. Recently I was reading an article in some magazine or on some website that talked about how Type 1 diabetics were using lack of insulin to lose weight. I think they may have used some fancy term for "Diabetic Anorexia". But I can't remember what they called it. I was thinking back to when I was diagnosed almost ten years ago, I actually did that in a way. After I figured out what I needed to do I just took barely enough insulin to stay alive and I lost a bunch of weight. I began to think to myself that maybe I should try it again but then I just can't do it...I worked so hard to get Izzie here and it is such a drain on my system when you do those kinds of hurtful things to your body. What an awful thing to think. I can't believe I can even say that I am thinking about it but I just want this weight off my body and I want to take a break from the diabetes just for a little while...

I want a cure now...I don't want it five years from now...I want it now...I want not to have to do this anymore.

The other thing that looms in my mind is when I think about how much work it actually took to get Izzie here it makes me tired just to think about it. I know that DH wouldn't mind if we just happened to have another baby right away but that isn't going to happen. It makes me wonder when I have to start planning if we even want to add to our family. I can't even believe I am mentioning it at all. What if we wait and then it takes several years again or we aren't able to have anymore at all.
I am in such a weird place right now. Maybe I just need to shut this spot down and let it end?

The surgery

2007-12-18T23:01:00.000-08:00

We all did make it through the surgery. Some of us better than others. The surgeon said that the surgery was textbook. I think that is his lingo for it went well. Izzie is out of the hospital and on her way to recovery. I am completely sleep deprived. Worse than when she was a newborn. She sleeps about fifty minutes before she wakes up screaming. I am sure part of it is her arms are in restraints (so she doesn't suck anything) and she can't find a comfortable place for herself. We have tried just about everything up to and including around the clock pain meds. She is stubborn like I am and continues to cry even through all kinds of meds. Even in the hospital when she was getting some kind of narcotic every hour on the hour she still cried through it all and all night long.

We are learning to get along. I am shocked that she refuses to eat from the modified bottle. Sometimes you can get her to drink from it but many times she just turns her head away in protest and screams. She has been drinking from a cup more frequently which she doesn't seem to mind. I just want her to eat. A full belly helps her sleep.

The surgery really has wreaked havoc on my own body. My muscles kill, I can barely lift my left arm and my back burns from holding her so much. My sugars have been all haywire and I have been getting lows a ton, then my BG will go wacho and go way up. I am certain it is from all the stress. I barely can put her down. My husband has given some reprieve but what she really wants is to be held by me. I am so grateful that before she would go to just about anyone. It's hard to see her in pain and frustration but quite frankly I am frustrated too with how she is doing. I wish there was something better we could be doing for her. My husband and I have a count down going until when we think she will get the restraints off. The doctor said between three and four weeks. We figure we have about nineteen days left. That time can't go quickly enough. I have been pretty good thus far about not wishing her to grow up any faster than she is but g-d how I want these nineteen days to fly by so she can be comfortable. The surgeon doesn't have much to say about this either. He just keeps telling us that yes she will be in pain and will be frustrated but their isn't much to do. They just expect it. It has been such a long road with this surgeon and really I can't wait to wash my hands of him soon.

In the mean time we are getting along. I thought I would have a chance to get a few things done around the house and that certainly isn't happening. Izzie needs to be held and entertained constantly. I want to get out and walk with her in her stroller but 1 - it's too cold and ice-y here and 2- we can't afford to be in doors with lots of other people who might we sick. I don't want her to catch anything and have any setbacks.

Sounds to me like Izzie finally just fell asleep. She has been crying bloody murder for the last three hours with barely a break. I'll update when I get a few more moments.

The eve of her surgery

2007-12-12T18:39:00.000-08:00

There is not much to say. I'm scared shitless. Izzie goes in for surgery in about twelve hours. I've never worried so much. I keep telling myself she will be fine and she probably will be but my own health is going in the toilet while I worry about it. My BG has been in the two and three hundreds today. When I finally got it in range I ran out of insulin in my pump and didn't even remember to change my site. I went hours with no insulin and no thought of where my sugars were. My brain is in a totally different place than my body. This rarely happens. I almost always have tabs on my own body. It sort of feels like I am not in my own being. It's weird.

I know if a little under twenty four hours it will all be over and she will be in recovery. I hope they give her little body enough drugs so she doesn't feel anything. I don't want her to feel ANY pain. Of all the things that could be wrong with my child this is certainly mild but the idea that she will be in surgery for at least four hours is killing me. What am I going to do while she is on the table? Talk to my husband....bite my nails...uhh this anticipation is killing me...

I hope tomorrow night I am better!

It's been way too long

2007-12-05T17:03:00.000-08:00

I am almost embarrased to post. What do I say. I am still here and I am still reading all of what you guys have to say. I have started reading some new blogs that I am enjoying though I am way to lazy to post links to their blogs. Not only that my sidebar of links is completely out of date. I am so lazy that I click on others links and then navigate two and three and four deep to find the blogs I love to read. Yeah it's ok you can call me lazy. Or maybe it's just fear.

Izzie has her surgery next week for her cleft palate repair. It's getting really close. I'm starting to get a little crazed. I keep telling people I know it will all go well and that she is going to be fine. I keep telling myself that but somehow I just don't believe it. I know...maybe I am going off on the deep end here... What if she dosen't come through this. Ok I know she will but I keep blaming myself for the cleft in the first place. Izzie's surgeon and I had a little blow out a couple of weeks ago. I expect a pretty high level of care for myself. I am always looking for the best treatment for myself, of course I want that same level for my daughter. Izzie's surgeon though highly renowned is very arrogant. I am sure most parents of cleft children do what he says and don't question him but I don't operate like that. I want to know about the surgery, what will happen, what are the positives and negatives and what do outcomes look like. Lots of kids have cleft surgery why can't I find information about her kind of cleft. To make a long story shorter I questioned Izzie's surgeon and he revolted in a sort of you need to do what I say and don't question me way. After much heated discussion I blurted out that we all knew why Izzie had the cleft. I still blame myself for Izzie's cleft. And I know that many children have clefts, and I know that their mothers did everything in their power to have the best pregnancy and on and on and on, but this is my kid. And when does it end.

If it's possible at some point I wouldn't mind trying for another. And I know with all that I have been through that it would probably be quite a struggle again. I mean let's face the facts here. Five pregnancies and one baby, holy crap that's a lot. Maybe that was some sort of sign, like hey pack it up and move on. And I know that thank goodness we got so lucky and didn't have to move on to IVF but when does it end. Again I am so thankful that we have Izzie here and safe and so many other things could have gone wrong. The diabetes probably isn't making things any easier and I don't want to use it as an excuse but again lets face the facts. I was told my diabetes could cause birth defects and I still went ahead. I obviously was ok with it when I was so desperate to be a mom but maybe I better reconsider if their is a next time. Maybe I am bi-polar, maybe it is PPD, maybe I am a freak and quite possibly I need help but I am so freaked out by this whole thing and I just want her to be alright and come through this surgery and be fine. I want not to have to talk about it and I want to be able to move on and not worry about this anymore. I know once the surgery is over and she is fine all will be good but right now it's not over and I am not good.

Not only that I can't believe I just unloaded all this on my blog.

Sometimes it's hard to be the one with all the happiness

2007-10-24T14:05:00.000-07:00

My life is really going quite well these days. Despite the fact that my bg sucks day to day and the fact that I need to lose the weight equivelent to a Back Street Boy my life is good. I am learning not to be quite so hard on myself. I know I need to remember to good care of myself and not just those around me. Pretty much right now my life rocks. Their isn't more I can say.

Izzie had her four month doctors apoointment (and shots), which while it was going on was not a huge deal. She is hitting all of her milestones, she is gaining weight but not too much and is generally a happy baby. The part which was not so much fun was the entire day after the shots. My child SCREAMED at the top of her lungs for just about four hours straight. That does not count the whimpering for hours after that. And even with that afternoon that completely sucked I was still really happy with my life. Look I think my daughter is gorgeous and g-d's gift to earth. I really think she is that cute. However I know not everyone may think that. Right now I live in my happy little world.

A week and a half ago or so I went for my endo appointment. I went in totally expecting to get back my A1C with a 11.8 or something insanely high. I had prepared myself and I was trying not to beat myself up over my care. Promising to take better care and making all kinds of deals with myself about how I could make things better. When the nurse took my blood I cringed a little to think that my blood might be one solid sugar cube. But a second later my daughter laughed and I forgot about it. A few minutes later when the doctor came in to go over recent numbers and my A1c I was shocked to find that it was only up to 6.6. I about died right there. I thought for sure it was going to be high. My A1C is up from 5.1. I almost feel nervous typing that as I know some diabetics might want to give me a lashing just for that. However I have worked really hard to get my numbers there and though I have definately lacked on my care it just goes to show you how much help my pump actually brings me. I still think my life rocks!!

My husband and I are settling into rolls as parents. There are definately times that I think things should be done my way seeing how I am with her all day long. However I have learned to try and keep my mouth shut and let Cletus do it his way. He does suprisingly well. I really have nothing to complain about in that department either. He does a great job and loves to spend time with Izzie.

Where the situation gets a bit sticky is with my friends. I am sure everyone has had a friend or two who always talk about how wonderful their life is. Listen I think it's a nice problem to have. But I know what it feels like to be on the other side of the perfect life. Maybe your health isn't going so well, or you don't have the money you need to do the things you need to do, or maybe you can't have the family you dreamed of or the mate that helps you out. And for the most part if you are that person than you think your life sucks and it is hard to hear that someone else's life is going really well. Being as I have been in that bad spot man times before it's kind of hard to be on the other side and know what to say right now. I have a very close friend who really has the crap end of the stick right now and I am really struggling for things to say. I am always their with any open ear for just about anyone at anytime but it has been really hard for me lately to say just the right thing without sounding like a jerk. It's hard to make someone understand that you know how they feel when your own life is going pretty darn good. I've tried to be reassuring to tell her that everything will work out for the best but sometimes that just isn't true. I really am at a loss for what to do and say. She lives quite a distance from me and I have offered to come visit several times to which she says she is happier after taking with me and doesn't need a visit. I am surprised at my self that the best I can offer is that things will get better and work themselves out.

I honestly never thought that I would be the one to have a problem like this. I truly feel happy with my life as it is.

As a side note, Cletus is traveling out east for work. I never thought that I would say this but it's been really hard to be a single parent, especially after I have dealt with her all day long!! Apparently I really rely on the fact that I can hand her off at some point.

One Year Ago Today (October 4, 2007)

2007-10-08T09:52:00.001-07:00

It’s amazing how fast this last year flew by when at times the previous years would drag on and on and on. Right now I am just trying to relish life as it is and not push it along too fast.

It’s feels funny to look back over the year and remember how hard I wanted to have a baby. I look back to one year before that and remember that I had just come off my first miscarriage and to look back even farther to a year before that and know that I had just come from my internist office where she told me maybe I shouldn’t have children. And here I am one year later feeling very…I am not really sure what the appropriate word is. Thankful, I guess, to whom or what I am not certain.

It is easy to remember the place I was in one year ago on this day. Nervous that in a few short minutes we would be in the exam room and all our luck was riding on the IUI. I can’t believe how far we have come in one year. The pregnancy itself was so much easier than I thought it was going to be. Health wise I was pretty good. My diabetes care was every bit as difficult as I thought it would be. Even now with Izzie at almost four months old my diabetes is giving me fits. Before I got pregnant the first time I really wanted to have some kind of resource that I could go and read and know what to expect with Type 1 diabetes and pregnancy. I never really found what I was looking for but I hope that if others have that same feeling that they know that I would be willing to share my experience. Because it was scary, and now I can say I know that you can end up with good results. I am thankful that I was able to connect with people in the blogosphere, Type 1 diabetics and others with infertility that made my journey just a little bit easier. I am glad there have been people who knew what I was going through and helped push me along.

My brother is very ill with an infection in the hospital. As I sat in his room last night and discussed all that had transpired in the year I couldn’t help but get choked up. One year earlier on that very eve my brother sat in my family room and told me he and his girlfriend were going to have a baby, and a year later I sat and listened to how his life was in chaos again. It was hard to listen to what he had to say. I care so deeply for my brother but in the last year I have been better at stepping back and letting his life turn out the way he lets it. That has been hard for me. However it was just as hard for me to sit and listen this year as he spilled out his feelings to me as it was last year. But this year I didn’t have as much riding on the next day events and this year I got to go home to my beautiful daughter.

My life really has gotten a million times better in the last year. It really is amazing what one year can bring!

I will leave you with a picture of Izzie. It is one that is about a month old but every time I see it I laugh. My mom had just given Izzie a taste of Mango sorbet!

I did fall off the face of the earth

2007-09-17T12:13:00.000-07:00

Wow..
It has been a long while since I have blogged. Not for lack of interesting things going on in my life. My life has been quite crazy over the last month. Though I have not been writing or commenting I have been reading all of your blogs. So where to begin? A lot has happened. I think I will update by bullet points.

* Izzie turned two months and three months old for that matter

* We had to get rid of my favorite little furry guy Fred (lots of accidents on the carpet, mostly for attention).

* I cried more over Fred's departure than one should over a pet who you will still get to visit every week.

* We traveled a lot in the month of August. Every weekend was a different destination, and I am happy to be in one place for the month of September.

* Izzie will have her cleft surgery on December 13, 2007.

* I am more worried how to get a six month old baby to drink out of a cup (no bottles, pacifiers or sippy cups) before her surgery than I am over her actually having the surgery.

* Izzie got her first ear infection (the cleft surgeon said she will have many). I had no idea she had an ear infection and I let it go on for over a week. I feel horrible about this.

* My diabetes is for shit. It is completely out of control.

* I actually don't feel that bad because of it.

* I bet my endo gets on my case when he sees what my A1C looks like.

* My weight is also for shit and completely out of control.

* I am so tired of dieting and doing We.ight Wa.thcers, I want a different option.

* Maybe a mouth stapler would work?

* We had Izzie's 3 month pictures taken at a big chain store because they were cheap. I never realized how hard it is to get an infant to cooperate for posed pictures.

* She did surprisingly well for the first five minutes.

* Every night for the last two weeks I have promised myself I would take a walk and enjoy the evening fall air so I could get a few minutes to myself.

* I haven't done it yet. I keep promising and not following through.

* I know it will help my sugars and my mind if I would actually take the walk.

* I need to get back online and post more often, for my own record.

Thoughts on my mind

2007-08-08T11:31:00.000-07:00

This morning I had a message at the office from a chipper women regarding a medical bill I inquired about a few days ago. The bill was for a few dates of service at my perinatologists office.

What was intresting about this bill is that Cletus and I switched from our regular co-pay/deductible insurance to high deductible insurance with his company. The new insurance though it was through the same company had many new rules as you can imagine when it is high deductible. One was that we had a pretty high out of pocket amount before the plan kicked in. Easy as pie I thought because 1. I am a Type 1 diabetic, with a pump and 2. I was pregnant. I knew I would meet that deductible in a probably two short months. I kept every reciept, every script, every piece of paper that I recieved regarding medical information since the beginning of this year. I knew about mid-March that I had FOR SURE met my personal deductible and the family deductible as well. I finished paying a few bills and continued to pay bills as they trickled in. I definately was completely paid up before I had Izzie. Then I start getting bills in the mail just recently for all kinds of crazy things that happened early in the ear. A few of them said "Final Notice" and that is where chipper "Rose" stepped in. When I returned her call she was actually able to help me and told me exactly what I needed to say and do for the insurance company. After a somewhat drawn out conversation with the insurance company after my call to Rose it turns out that they may owe me quie a significant amount of money. What amazes me most about this is that for the last few years we have had insurnace with this company and they have done nothing but deny claims left and right for me. Now all the sudden we have high deductible insurance and they HAVE to pay every claim. Seems rather funny to me.

On a different note I have been thinking a lot about sending Izzie to daycare. This probably won't happen until November or December but it is already at the top of my mind and I am worried. I have started to check around at daycare places, in home and at centers but I really can't decide which one to pursue more. I feel like right now until Izzie really has her surgery at nine or ten months she is a special needs child. She has to be fed and burped a certain way, can't sleep lying flat, needs to be checked on a lot, she requires special bottles and more attention. She will have to be completely bottle, sippy cup, pacifer free by the time she has her surgery. SHe will need a lot of help before and after the surgery. It's really not the same as having a child with diabetes who has to go to daycare but what do those parents do? How do people find daycare for children with special needs? Where do you start. We hope once Izzie has this surgery their will not be any further problems but at least for this first year she will need a significant about of extra attention. What do people do?

Summer is 2/3 over already and I can't believe it. I should believe it. It is so hot and sticky here. We live in an older home that we have remodeled and one thing that has not been replaced is the air conditioner. It normally runs wonderfully but it started to give us issues the other day and then the motor bit the dust the other day. I am so glad it was only the motor. It was a $400 repair rather than a $4000.00 repair. But we are happy to finally have our air back on.

We have a few more trips planned at the end of this month that I am really looking forward to. It will be fun to show off Izzie at a couple family things we have going on later in the month too!!

The stupid question

2007-08-01T09:59:00.000-07:00

We are back from our vacation in the Wilderness. It actually was quite fun. It was most certainly exhausting. We were pretty much on the go the whole time.

Cletus and I discussed that we would love to go back next summer but maybe spend not quite so much time at the resort and maybe spend some time in the Dells doing "stuff". We got a very short tour of the Dells from my SIL's sister on Sunday before we left. It was just enough to show Cletus and I that we want to come back and spend more time there.

My BG ran pretty high while in the Wilderness. I really had not worked out what I was going to do for the four days we were there before we left on our trip. I just disconnected from my pump for an hour or two at a time, tested and then reconnected if I needed to. If I hadn't been snacking so much I think I really would have been ok. My BG has been seriously crazy since we left for the Wilderness. I think it's time to up the basals.

I really have the dumbiest question I need to call and ask the PA at the doctor's office. I feel like a complete heel for not knowing the answer. Last week when I went to my doctor's appointment for my six week check-up they asked me what I wanted to use for contraception. Now what had been running through my mind because of all of our trouble staying pregnant was using the "pull and pray". But with my Type 1 diabetes and all I certainly knew that was not a wise choice. Definately something I considered though. Cletus and I discussed it, more it was me rationalizing in my head why I had to go back on BC I knew I had to do it. So last week when Amy asked me what I wanted to do I did tell her that I would be going back on birth control. As the words slipped out of my mouth I really was in shock but I said it and I knew that I needed to go back on it. Here's where the slope gets slippery. She asked me what I was on before and I could barely remember. I told her the name of the one that I could remember. She told me to take it like I had taken it before and sent me on my way with the script. The problem is I really can't remember how I am supposed to take it. It's a package of three weeks worth of pills. The pharmacy packaging usually tells you how to take it but it gives no indication. My husband picked them up and I didn't ask him to ask the pharmacist either.

I know I take the pill at the same time every day. I assume I don't take it the week of my period or maybe I just start in with another pack, I 'm not sure. Do I take it when my period starts or on the Sunday after it starts? I probably really need to call the doctor's office and ask but I feel like after all I have been though I should know what to do. Not only that but I am so diligiant with all my other meds, how could I forget how this one simple thing is done.

We are going to the Wilderness

2007-07-25T10:15:00.001-07:00

First when I say "Wilderness" I do not mean out in the wild, with tents or any such thing. The Wilderness that we are going to is a resort that is called the Wilderness that is in the Wisconsin Dells. Nothing about this resort is at all wilderness like other than the theme and the fact that there will be lots of water activities.

While packing my two swimsuits it occurred to me that 1. I better try on said suit before assuming it will fit and 2. I had not even contemplated what I will do with my pump for the four days we will be in the "wilderness". I will be at a series of five water parks with three other couples and four other children in the water and I really hadn't given a second thought to the pump. My third problem had not yet occurred, I was just anticipating that my luck would have it and I would get my first period after Izzie.
The swimsuit was not an issue. They are stretchy not to mention that I have a whole swimsuit wardrobe if you will. I have suits in just about every size imaginable. I was able to find two suits that fit thank goodness and I am not so sure I will even take off my cover-up at all. The second issue of the pump I haven't quite figured out yet. I have covers that I can put over the site and I have waterproof covers for the whole site so they don't go bad. I used to use those when I would take water aerobics and other water based classes but having my pump off for hours at a time isn't going to work so well. I think I better think of a better plan and fast since we leave tomorrow. My third issue i am hoping will not come to fruition. The doctor told me this week at my six week check-up that I probably won't get a period for another two or so weeks. We will see what happens however I plan to pack back-up just in case.

I don't think you can imagine just how much crap is needed for a small child. At least I could not even begin to imagine just how much stuff we will need for this little girl to travel. Holy cow their is a lot of stuff. I am glad we have a minivan and I am glad we are caravaning with others and taking our own car. I have a feeling our minivan will be packed to the gills. I guess we will find out tomorrow morning bright and early at 5 am when we load up. The puppies are staying with my parents, and we will be glad to be without them for a few days. The puppy Fred has been quite the handful recently.

I have all kinds of posts brewing in my head but by the time I get a few moments to post they have left the building. Maybe I just need a vacation.

The excitement continues

2007-07-19T08:26:00.000-07:00

My sister called me very early this morning to tell me that she and her boyfriend are angaged. I expected the call last night actually....

Apparently my husband was in on the proposal and had been helping her boyfirend gather things for the proposal. Last night while we were out for dessert my husband and I were talking about my sister and I casually brought up when hey would get engaged. My husband asked if I could keep a secret and then said later tonight. My sister went to the theater last night and her boyfriend didn't go. He had this whole eleborate plan set out. My husband told me what he knew. Cletus said he wanted to tell me since her figured she would call in the middle of the night and he didn't want me to be alarmed since we both haven't gotten a whole lot of sleep.

I am very excited for them. I wish them all the best and hope that they have all the joy and happiness!!!!

The five week mark

2007-07-18T12:04:00.000-07:00

Izzie hit the five week mark yesterday. It’s hard to believe that she has been here for five weeks. She is such a fun little thing. I love her more than I ever thought possible. I obviously think that she is the cutest baby but others comment how cute she is as well and most people comment about all her hair. I started putting these fun bows in her hair. Probably a little too over the top but I don’t care. She was hard to get and I certainly don’t plan to miss out on anything.

Our life has not settled down for a single second. As I said before the diabetes is finally back on track. Our lives not so much. On Sunday as we were going from one event to another, and we had just dropped Izzie off with my parents for her first extended time away from one or the other of us, Cletus and I discussed the fact that we have not had a single second to ourselves. We have had not a moment to take a breathe in the last five weeks. I knew we would not much sleep once she arrived but being on the go non-stop is starting to get crazy. As soon as Izzie and I were discharged from the hospital we started the next morning with her jaundice and weight checks, which both got progressively worse. As soon as we got the jaundice treatment started and on a roll with all of it’s paraphernalia my SIL had my nephew by emergency c-section. The very next morning Izzie started with feeding issues and it has been back and forth to the specialist for her for various reasons and back and forth to the pediatrician for weight checks. My father arrived from Tucson with my Aunt on Izzie’s second week alive and stayed for over a week. Other family has poured in and out and literally my in-laws that live in town keep asking us when we are ever home or get a second to ourselves with Izzie. It’s hard to say.

Izzie and I have our baby shower on Saturday. My mom’s friends wanted to do something nice for us and it will be a joint shower/luncheon with my SIL and my nephew. We have all kinds of family and friends coming into town. We leave for vacation next Thursday after everyone clears out of town from this weekend. We are going on vacation with several other people and it will not be much of a relaxing trip I am certain. When we get back from that we are hoping that we will actually get a weekend alone with Izzie. We probably won’t know what to do with ourselves.

And as tired as I am and as busy as we are I never thought I would say that I love it. But I really do enjoy the fact the Izzie will know all her aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends and that she gets to spend time with all of them as well. She has started to recognize people’s voices outside of Cletus and I. She will smile for my parents and my sister. She is learning to roll herself over and though she can’t quite hold her head up she is so strong. She is so much fun to play with. Even in the middle of the night when my eyes are rolling back into my head with exhaustion she is absolutely amazing. It’s so neat to see that she knows who I am. She is finally gaining weight and has now surpassed her birth weight which was a struggle in and of it’s self. Her feeding issues are starting to resolve themselves now that we have gotten some excellent help from a therapist. She is starting to plump up and it is so cute!!!

I’m back at work and Izzie comes to work with me everyday. She has been such a good baby. Five weeks later and I still can’t believe she is mine. It’s starting to set in and I love it!

The 'betes is back on track

2007-07-17T10:38:00.000-07:00

My diabetes was definately way out of whack right after I had Izzie. Highs and lows, but manly lows and lowers (probably not even a word). That was really unexpected for me.

During my pregnancy my sugars seemed to stay in fairly good control. My A1C was 5.1 how could it get any better than that. I doubt I could do it again. Toward the end of my pregnancy my sugars it seemed were climbing Mt. Everest. The more I bolused the higher my sugar went. I was definately cautious about what I ate and drank would do to my rising numbers and was was very careful to keep them in range. What I did not expect to happen is my sugars to fall in the toilet the day after delivery.

As I said before all during labor my numbers stayed in the 80's and very low 90's. Right after delivery they shot into the 140's and stayed their for the evening. The very next morning my sugar plummeted and stayed. And by the evening it was in the fifties and holding strong. As you can imagine when it when down 20 points I started to panic. I had just eaten dinner and continued to eat more and more trying to make my sugar rise. Even turning off my pump for 12 hours didn't do a whole lot.

Finally on day three my sugars started to rise again but still hugged the 60's and 70's. My basals had been changed my bolus rate was altered and the only thing that could be attributed to the chasing of the lows was hormones.

It literally took these last five weeks to finally get my sugars back on track. I feel like I can finally sit back a little and let my diabetes be a normal part of my life and not right in front of my face staring me down.

It feels a little weird to be able to eat and drink what I want again and not worry how that food, drink or activity will affect someone else.

For the Record (Part 3)

2007-07-09T14:53:00.001-07:00

The last few weeks have been absolutely exhausting. We have had non-stop company since I had her.

Six short days after Izzie was born her cousin Carter was born to my brother and his wife.
My labor was induced on my SIL due date which sounds like it would have been hell for me had the tables been turned. Sometimes you have to think, “What goes around comes around”. I was happy that I delivered before her. And in a weird twist of fate she had to wait that whole week to be induced and she ended up with a c-section.

My brother and his wife requested Mary Beth as a nurse when they went in for the induction. They were able to get her as their nurse and before I could get to the hospital early that Monday morning they were already taking my SIL in for an emergency c-section. The women on the labor and delivery floor knew my SIL well. She had been to them several times previously for false labor and other issues. As a matter of fact the night that we had Izzie when my nurse came in at 2 am to check me she told me my brother had just called from upstairs and wanted us to know that they were in the hospital and were staying. He wanted to come down and talk. My nurse told him I would call when I was awake. When I did call there room my poor brother had fallen asleep and my SIL was just certain she was in labor. It made me laugh just a little since just hours before I had been in labor and I had to tell her that if she thought she was in labor it was nothing like what it was going to be.

I am so glad that Izzie will have a cousin to grow up with. It has been nice to have my brother and his wife going through the same things. We have someone to commiserate with.

Izzie still has feeding issues and we are giving her higher calorie formula to help her gain weight. She finally surpassed her birth weight at the 3 week mark. I have a feeling this will be an on going battle. I am a little worried about her future but hopefully after her surgery it will all be fixed. I definitely went through a period after she was born that I was certain I was responsible for her cleft (which is considered a birth defect). It has been hard in that sense. I certainly don’t want anyone to feel sorry for her however I definitely have gone through so rough times already where I wonder if I tried to hard for this baby and maybe this is punishment for trying so hard. It makes me a little worried if we were to ever try again and not so certain that I want to. I think about the four miscarriages that I had before getting pregnant with her and know that there had to be some reason why I miscarried. I am moving on and that is good because it is depressing to dwell on.

Of course I am bias but I really do think Izzie is such a pretty baby. I can’t wait until I can actually do something with her hair. She certainly has a lot of it. I was in a department store the other day returning some gifts and there was a lady and her bald baby girl at the checkout desk. The lady was buying this headband with a HUGE bow on it for the baby since she had no hair. I am so thankful that Izzie has hair because those bows can look so goofy.

I will leave you with another picture of Izzie that is more current.

For the Record (Part 2)

2007-07-09T14:49:00.000-07:00

I continued to have horrendous contractions for the duration of the morning. Around 10:30 am when Mary Beth the nurse was in the room I told her that I would try and hold out until noon and then I wanted something for the pain. I was to the point where the contractions were coming every 30 seconds to a minute and were right on top of each other. Mary Beth suggested something to take the edge off which I willingly trying but hated. I laid there on the bed for an hour in so much pain but unable to tell anyone about it from the drugs that they had pushed in my IV. It was very close to noon when I told Mary Beth that I was ready for the epidural. I believe I was over 4 cm dilated. I am proud of myself for waiting it out a little and knowing that I really wanted it but next time (if their even is a next time) I will know that I want an epidural right away. My sugars continued to do well and stayed between 83 and 92 the whole morning.

The epidural didn’t go exactly as I thought it would either. Actually having it inserted was not a huge deal. I did have a few side effects when the Dr. was putting it in that were not so pleasant and when they had me sit up and curl my back to have it inserted again I had several huge gushes of water come out. I was embarrassed because it happened all over a chair, the bed and the floor but all in the room assured me it was no big deal. My left leg had several very painful jolts and was much more numb than m y right leg. Matter of fact I could not control my left leg AT ALL.

The epidural caused both Lil Cletus and I to have some issues and they were watching both of us very carefully. Both of our heart rates would dip dangerously low and they had me on oxygen to try and make Lil Cletus feel better. I was able to relax a little after getting the epidural which was nice. My family was in the room chatting away while I rested and I didn’t even care that they were having a party in my room without me. The whole afternoon Mary Beth kept coming in to my room and telling me how much I had progressed. Little by little I was moving along. For six weeks Lil Cletus was head down and burrowed into her spot and as soon as they upped that Pitocin she decided that maybe she would turn a little which caused me not to thin out in on spot very well. All afternoon that spot didn’t budge but everything else seemed to be moving along. Then Lil Cletus began to have problems again and wasn’t tolerating the contractions very well. The pitocin had been turned off for hours. At this point Mary Beth called Dr. H. to come back to the hospital and was certain he would rush me in for a C-section. We signed all the paperwork and they handed Cletus his surgery gear. Dr. H. had been watching Lil Cletus and me from his office and was already on his way when Mary Beth called. He checked me out and told me that he wanted to give me another hour. If in an hour I had no change in we were going. I really was ok with the c-section since I had convinced myself that I would have one anyway. All hour long I was just sure that we had no change. My MIL tried to talk me out of the C-section but I was convinced that I had not waited all this time and gone through all this stuff in order to make it to the end and have more problems. However she needed to come out and was best was the way it was going to happen. The whole afternoon we had also continued to check sugars on both my machine and the hospital machine and I was in good range.

Cletus and I had a few minutes to ourselves as the hour drew to a close. Mary Beth was certain that a c-section was what we were in for and went to get Dr. H., Cletus and I were both prepared for that. It was a quarter to five in the afternoon and I told Cletus I didn’t care how I had her I wanted to have a baby by six o’clock. Ironically enough six pm had been stuck in my mind for days.

Dr. H. came in and checked me once again, screamed at the top of his lungs for Mary Beth to glove up and told us that I would be pushing this baby out now. Everyone left the room and immediately Mary Beth told me to push. I had a rush of emotion, now what do I do. I couldn’t remember how to push, how to breathe, what we learned in class and I started to panic. I truly had not expected this to happen. Shit I really had to push her out. I didn’t cry I just started pushing with all my might. It was good that Cletus was so focused. He really was good. It was just Cletus and I and Mary Beth every so often. She was rushing around the room. I started pushing at just after five pm and time moved very quickly for me. Dr. H. came barreling into the room along with a resident and several other people and promptly told me to stop pushing. Dr. H. barely made it to the actual delivery. Cletus started crying as he tried to get me to stop pushing however do you know how hard it is to stop and bowling ball coming out with all of its force? Izzie was born right at 5:55 pm. I literally only had to push for forty five minutes. It was amazing. I think I must have been in shock. The only time I cried was when they told me to stop pushing. It was all so surreal. Even after she had been delivered and I could hear her cry I still didn’t believe I had delivered her.

When all was done I couldn’t believe that after all I had been through she was actually in my arms. It was undeniable that this little girl was mine. She looked just like me. Granted looking back now at her birth pictures she really doesn’t look anything like what she did at birth but she is definitely my daughter.

The nurse ran out to get my family who just minutes before had been told that no I had pushed Izzie out and they had not taken me for a c-section. Everyone was so happy to see the three of us when they rushed in the room. The rest of the evening I spent fighting the epidural in my left leg. It was awful and I was so relieved when it finally wore off around three or four in the morning. My sugars went higher a few hours after delivery. I had not yet changed any settings on my pump as I was uncertain what I was supposed to do. My endocrinologist that was supposed to be checking in frequently never did.

Cletus went to the nursery with Izzie while the nurses took care of me. It was a little scary when Cletus came back to the room with her and declared to me that she has a soft palate cleft. The nurses and doctors at the hospital all blew it off as no big deal. It turns out it is quite a big deal and she will have to have surgery for it. Poor little Izzie has lots of feeding issues that we will have to work through.

On Wednesday evening my endocrinologist came in to speak with me. Apparently some other endo had been on call and there was some sort of mix up. We spoke briefly about pump changes and he told me he would see me in three months. It only took a few hours after his departure for my body to completely go haywire and my sugars to get crazy. It was absolutely awful. It didn’t matter what I ate or how much I ate my sugar continued to plummet. I had company in my room that I had to ask to leave. It was so embarrassing for me. The nurses on the mother/baby unit were completely useless and they couldn’t get a hold of my doctor for help. It was terrible. Around three in the morning my sugars FINALLY leveled out. I had suspended my pump around seven the night before. It took several more days of cutting WAY back on insulin to even get things somewhat under control.

They let us go from the hospital not even 48 hours after delivery. They were begging women to leave as there had been a huge burst of births all at the same time. On that last morning we were in the hospital (Thursday) I couldn’t sleep and so for the first time I went into the nursery to see Izzie. What I saw was over fifty bassinets lined up in the nursery. I was shocked there were so many babies and they assured me that it usually isn’t like that. It was overwhelming.

Izzie and I were discharged from the hospital on the morning of the 14th of June. Her bilirubin had started to climb and was already at 9, which is not bad. They instructed us to go to her pediatrician the next morning. By the next morning she was at 13 and rising, definitely going the wrong direction. Each day we continued to be checked her number rose and when her number reached 19.5 on that Saturday they started her on her bili-blanket. She looked like a glo-worm. It kept us home but tethered close to an outlet. That went on for several more days and finally ended on the 20th of June. A full week after she had been born.

Izzie continues to have feeding issues and uses specials bottles until her surgery at nine or ten months. Other than that she is absolutely perfect. The birth was totally unlike what I expected just like my pregnancy. I definitely did not follow what every doctor assumed I would just because I am diabetic. It just goes to show you that each diabetic has there own path and no two are alike.

For the Record (Part 1)

2007-07-09T14:48:00.000-07:00

I know it probably feels like I have fallen off the face of the earth. It feels like that to me as well. Life is not quite the same as it had been pre-Izzie.
I will be back to posting very soon. Today is my first day back in the office full time. Four weeks off and back to the grind.

For my own record I just want to jot down how it exactly the induction and birth went for us.

Dr. M was in Africa when I was to be induced and Cletus and I decided that since we were not overly enthusiastic with the new partner in the group that we would go with Dr. H. This meant that we would go to just before my 38 week mark to be induced. I was ok with this as long as we knew Lil Cletus would be ok. The minute things went south; Dr. H and I agreed that we would get her out ASAP. Things continued to look good and on the day in which we had planned the Fetal Lung maturity test results came back higher than expected and we were a go for the beginnings of induction on the night of the 11th.

It was weird to wait around until 9 pm to head to the hospital. Cletus and I entertained my older sister for a while in order to pass the time. Cletus and I argued about stupid things which I am certain was because of nerves. Finally at 20 to 9 pm we headed eagerly to the hospital. I knew that the 12th of June would be Lil’ Cletus’ birthday one way or another because our favorite PA had assured us that they would get Lil Cletus out one way or another on the 12th. My goal was by dinner time.

We checked into the hospital signed the necessary forms and I was given my gown to change into. Monitors were started and belts and buttons were pushed, and the Cervadil was placed. I was clear from the beginning that I wanted to be in charge of my own diabetic care. I had a few nurses over the night and mostly they were cooperative. I was unable to sleep the whole night. The nurses would not allow me out of bed because once the Cervadil is in it can easily slip out and I was told I had to stay in bed until right before another one was placed. Progress overnight was slow. Cletus slept overnight while I watched out the window for the sun to rise.

The next morning, bright and early the day nurse was in to report my progress. Their had not been a whole lot of progress overnight and I was still only at 2 cm dilated. Our nurse Mary Beth let us know that labor would be long and not to plan on a birth on the 12th. Of course I had to retort that I was told that today was my only chance to labor and if I was unable to have this baby on my own today than Lil Cletus would be delivered my C-section. To tell you the truth all along during this pregnancy I kept telling myself that I would be having a c-section even though I was telling others that I wanted to at least try a natural birth. I knew if other women could push a baby out so could I but I guess I really had not given a lot of thought to it actually happening like that.
I was allowed to get into the shower and was also given the option of getting in the whirlpool tub. What I did not realize was that it would be my last time out of bed for the day and so I took a shower. I thought for sure I would have plenty of time later in the day to get in and out of the tub.

Mary Beth was ok with the idea that I stuck myself to get blood for my meter but I also had to use their machine. It’s amazing how far behind in technology hospitals actually are when it comes to meters and lancets. It’s like the dark ages. It was about 7:30 or eight in the morning, the pitocin had been started, turned way up and Mary Beth had just left my room after letting me know it would be a long labor. Cletus and I discussed what Dr. H. told us the day before. I buzzed Mary Beth to help me up to the bathroom, with that Dr. H. came flying through the door to check my progress during rounds. Mary Beth trailed behind him. While he talked to me Mary Beth was grabbing some kind of paraphernalia. Dr. H. assured me that indeed we would be having a baby today and told me where I was at which was still maybe two or so, I think. With that before I could even speak he broke my water and let me know that I would either be pushing this baby out or having a c-section by midnight. No forceps, no vacuum. Instantly I was in some serious pain. Pain like I have never experienced in my life. After Dr. H. left I realized I still had to go to the bathroom however Mary Beth let me know that once they break your water you are not getting out of bed again until you have a baby. Nice….I was so angry but their was nothing I could do but breathe through the contractions. My only option for going to the bathroom was a bed pan and I will tell you that I have been in ICU before and close to death and still refused the bedpan. My sugar was doing great and holding at 85.

A photo to tide you over

2007-06-17T22:58:00.000-07:00

Still trying to adjust to parenthood. The diabetes is kicking my arse and I am still trying to figure this all out.

A picture to tide you over of our little Izz@e. In her short few days she has already changed so much and doesn't even look the same.

She's here!!!!

2007-06-12T20:25:00.000-07:00

Is@dora M. is here. She arrived tonight at 5:55 pm . I only had to push for about 45 minutes. The induction was very tough!!! Thank goodness for meds!
7 lbs 9 oz and 20 inches long
Long eyelashes and lots of hair!!!!!
Will post pictures soon!!!

Tonight's the night

2007-06-11T09:53:00.000-07:00

After much anticipation tonight we will go in for the beginnings of induction. We were waiting for a number of reasons and I figured as long as she was still doing well inside then the longer we waited the better.

We just received amnio results from this morning. They wanted her lung maturity score to be at least fifty and her score was 85. We might just get a real baby out of this deal.We go into the hospital tonight at nine. The pitocin will be started tomorrow morning. Say fast and easy labor prayers for me.

It is a little weird now that I am looking at having a baby by tomorrow evening (they said one way or another she will be out tomorrow) to think back on these past few years. It has been quite the rocky road. But everything in my life is like that. These past few months have literally flown by (with very few belly shots) and it’s a little weird to be sitting here child-less today and tomorrow hopefully I will be a mother.

Everything looks good as of today. I feel pretty good, the baby looks good and scores well, and my diabetes is still hanging in. Thank goodness it has settled down a bit and my number evened out a little.

I’ll let you all know how we are doing after Lil’ Cletus gets here and then maybe she’ll have a real name!!

I'm still around (with no baby yet)

2007-05-31T08:45:00.000-07:00

We found out about two weeks ago that the Dr. that was supposed to deliver the baby would be in Africa. We met the newest partner and that was no a good experience at all. I was fairly nervous about the new partner and I sincerely hoped that all would be well with the baby and I until she got here. It turns out even though all the practitioners in the perinatologist office having been telling me that come June 1st this baby will be out in the world it looks like it will not be true.

Last week I met with my doctors other partner (the one that will be delivering this baby). And though he was all about graphs, charts, diabetes, high blood pressure and all other scientific formulas this fall when we met he was much more laid back last week. In his opinion there is no reason to take Lil Cletus any earlier than we need to. Of course because I had met with the two other doctors in the practice and they each had a different theory I had to question why now at this point we would wait. Dr. H.’s theory is that each of the doctors reads from the same book but interprets a different way. Though my head was spinning and to be quite honest I was a little disappointed I am ok waiting. I want her to be ready when she makes her grand appearance. It looks like my induction date will be June 11, 2007. The induction would have been the middle of next week but Amy the Physicians Assistant thinks I will do better if we know Dr. H. will be the one to deliver and he is only on call one day next week. I know that waiting is the wise way to go as long as there is nothing that is wrong with either one of us. It all looks good right now. We have had some minor scares in the last two weeks with blood pressure but it is definitely not pre – e setting in.

I have had lots of other things to keep my mind off of the wait. I took our dogs in to get their shots and heartworm/flea medicines and it turns out the little one is really a pretty sick puppy. The old owners assured us that they thought he had a small heart murmur but it wasn’t there when they had him rechecked. It turns out according to our vet that Fred does in fact have a very bad heart murmur and it is also affecting his lungs and kidneys. Because we had planned for the induction on June 1st our vet thought it would be best to have Fred fixed right away so that he would be healed by the time the baby came. I guess it is better that I won’t be induced until the 11th as Fred has continued to have other problems since his surgery. If he wasn’t so damn cute and I wasn’t so in love with him already I would give him away to someone who is willing to spend the $6000-$9000 it will take to fix him. Until we figure out what we will do I guess we will continue to give him the best life we can, taking him for ice cream cones, giving him treats, belly scratches and lots of love. Not to mention the almost $2000 we have already spent on him. Not so sure what we will do once this baby comes.

Sugars have been wonky. Up and down, up and down and hard to control at this point. They are definitely down from where they were a few weeks ago but the need for more insulin with the increasing hormones has made my diabetes hard to manage. I feel like I may finally be getting a handle on it again but for a week or two it was definitely out of my control.

I know I still have a little over a week left of this pregnancy and it certainly has been no picnic to manage all of the chronic issues that I had before pregnancy but it was surprisingly easier than I thought. Granted, I still throw up every day, can’t sleep, have to pee about every half hour, get sick from smells and numerous other things but in comparison to what it could have been it has been so much better than I anticipated it would be. Over all I have done really well and the doctors and nurses continue to remind me of it each time they see me. I feel almost like any other pregnant woman who feels like a beached whale at this point.

Things continue to be going well. Their has been lots of action and preparations going on for Lil Cletus’ arrival and I can’t imagine being any more sleep deprived than I already am even though I know it’s only going to get worse. I still find it so hard to believe that I am actually going to have a baby in a little over a week.

More Monday meetings

2007-05-16T12:00:00.000-07:00

The date of induction is drawing near. The time really had flown by quite honestly until last Monday and now time seems to drag. Under my newly enforced rules by Dr. NP I am at one office or another almost every day. Later last week when I went in for an appointment Amy the PA asked me what I thought about Dr. NP. I was blatantly honest with her regarding my sentiments. It seems other patients feel the same way. I will continue to follow his orders only until next week when I meet with my Dr.’s other partner to see if that would be a better fit. I really am not feeling too nervous about any of it to be quite honest. I just hope that we (the baby and I) make it to the end as healthy as possible, safe and sound.

In the mean time life is continuing to be as crazy as ever. When I began with all these doctors appointments I felt bad about the fact that I wouldn’t be in the office much because we are so short staffed as it is but then I realized that I honestly had set myself up to believe I would be on bed rest toward the end of the pregnancy anyway so some office time was better than none and I really don’t feel all that bad about it.

Our furniture for the baby’s room came this weekend and I finally have that checked off the list. We got it all set up and I have the few things that were necessities before she arrived put away. I am glad that is taken care of. There are a few more organizing projects that I am hoping I can get checked off the list before she arrives. I am planning to take the whole week off before she gets here to take care of those. We are still waiting for the chair that we ordered for her room and the wall decorations but they certainly don’t have to be up when she arrives home.

The appointments galore continue. I had two doctor’s appointments on Monday which were quick and I was thankful for. Another doctor’s appointment yesterday and I finally got in to meet with our Rabbi, which I was happy to cross off the list as well. We plan to have the naming ceremony for the baby at the end of June and it sounds like since my brother and his wife refuse to have a Bris at the Temple that they want to have a naming ceremony with us, which I think is so weird. I may be willing to agree on it since family will be in town for our naming ceremony and to keep family peace. We’ll see. Our other option is to have our naming ceremony at the orthodox synagogue that my parents belong to. This would be much more convenient as that synagogue is right across the street from our home and we could do something back at our house after the service and Kiddush. I guess we still have time to think about it. I am convinced it is easier if you have a boy, on the eighth day you have the Bris, it is set in stone you do your thing and you are done. For a girl the rules are so much more flexible and it seems as though so many more decisions must be made. I am certain they will all work themselves out.

***two weeks and counting until induction***

The Monday Meeting

2007-05-09T09:14:00.001-07:00

Last Friday I got a terrible wave of nausea that would not stop. I was actually losing the contents of my stomach but it felt like acid coming up. My face was so flushed, I was having a hard time breathing and I could feel my muscles contracting. I called the perinatologists office to see what they thought I should do. After a fairly quick trip to their office they determined that I just needed to relax during the weekend and that I probably had some kind of virus. All looked well. I went on my merry way and later that day felt well enough to go to physical therapy for my tailbone/ sciatic nerve. Before I left the peri’s office on Friday they reminded me of my Monday appointment and told me they still wanted to see me for the growth scan and the NST.

Monday morning bright and early Cletus and I showed up for my appointment. Scans all went relatively well and for the most part Lil’ Cletus cooperated. Amy the Physician’s Assistant brought me back to an exam room after the scans to go over a few things. At the end of our discussion she wanted to bring the doctor in to go over some questions that I had about the particular birth. Dr. M. came in and I brought out my list of questions. All was going well until we began to talk about the induction. The way that my particular peri’s office works is that you chose your doctor and that is the doctor that delivers for you unless you have an extreme emergency and then obviously you would get whomever could get there quickest. I just wanted to make certain that I would have Dr. M. and so I asked again if that would indeed be the case. Dr. M. answered that yes in fact that would be the way it would happen and then he hesitated. It was that hesitation that should have scared me. He let me know after looking at the calendar and the day in which I hit 36.5 weeks that he would in fact be leaving a few days prior to that for an African Safari with his brother. Dr. M. answered my other questions and left the room.

Amy came back in to talk with me about the plan then. I essentially had two choices, I could go with Dr. H the other doctor in the practice who I had met at a previous appointment and our ideas are definitely not on the same page OR I could go with their NEW partner who will be filling in while Dr. M. is on vacation. Amy let me know that I could meet the new partner right then because he happened to be in the office at that time. Of course I wanted to meet him and I truly thought that he would come in shake our hands, their would be small talk and off he would go. The actual situation didn’t quite play out like that. New Partner came in and took a seat, told me that wearing my insulin pump and a few other requests I had should not be a problem and then continued on. He barely took a breath over the next forty minutes while he explained all the things that could go wrong in the next three weeks, how many dead babies he had delivered and that just because I was thirty six weeks meant nothing. If I indeed one of these things which he had described in detail did happen that he sees no reason that delivering Lil Cletus any earlier would give us a better outcome. I sat their with my eyes as wide as saucers, Cletus next to me had his jaw on the floor and Amy had a look of complete surprise on her face yet he continued to go on and on. At some point in his speech in did acknowledge the fact that after four miscarriages that his information was not making me feel any better but he still continued to spew out more facts.
The whole conversation freaked me out. I was finally to the point in the pregnancy that I truly believed that if she came this early she had a fighting chance of surviving. Even though every day I pray that she waits a few more days, just a few more weeks, I know that if she were to come she would be in the NICU but hopefully she would survive.
Three days later my head is still spinning from the meeting. I know have to go back to the peri’s office twice weekly for testing per orders from the new partner and I am scared to death what he will tell me at each appointment.

On a lighter note when I came back to the office on Monday I was telling me staff about my Dr.’s appointment as they are always anxious for updates and one woman said to me, “Boy I bet Dr. H. isn’t looking so bad anymore is he”?

Please g-d don’t let this whacko be on call when they induce me.

Assessing my goal

2007-05-02T08:58:00.000-07:00

I am a fairly driven person. One thing that definitely drives me is when someone or something tells me that I “can’t” do something. The number one way to get me to do something is to tell me no. It does indeed seem childish but I have been like this my entire life. Just dare me to do it and I will achieve it before you can turn your head.

When I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes it did indeed stop me in my tracks, but not for long. I do things on my own time and in my own way but do not tell me I can’t do something. It only took about ten minutes in the emergency room for me to snap out of whatever lala land I had gone to and realize that whatever was ailing me would not keep me down. At that point the doctors really had no clue what was going on with me but it only took one finger stick to know that I was in Ketoacidosis.

After being diagnosed with Type 1 I fought as fiercely as I could against what everyone told me what everyone believed was true. I didn’t want to believe that my life fit into a neat little box with the title “diabetic” wrapped around it. Suddenly one day about three months into my diagnosis I was feeling particularly sorry for myself and I started to believe that maybe their were things that I really couldn’t do with Type 1. Maybe what people were telling me was true? Maybe this disease really could beat me, I thought I had control but maybe that wasn’t true. It definitely was a huge awakening for me that just because I thought I could do something didn’t mean I could achieve it, or so I thought. It did take me a few days to rethink my position and I definitely was in a funk. Everyone has those days I think. But what it did do is remind me that I am in control and I can do anything that I set my mind to even though diabetes can definitely be in the way. You have to be your own advocate because no one can do it for you.

I remember just after I was diagnosed in the ER, I was with one of my good friends and several hundred miles from home, and she said to me as I laid their with doctors and nurses rushing around me “this is just like Steel Magnolias” and I started to cry. I think every diabetic woman from what I can tell has had a “Steel Magnolias” moment. I can’t exactly tell anyone why. It was weird but the next morning (5 hours) after being admitted to the ICU a doctor came in to visit me that would be my endocrinologist for my hospital duration. I remember he came in and talked to me about what it meant to be diabetic. He in fact was a diabetic himself (young and HOT) as well. He went through a number of things with me including the fact that I could indeed have children some day if I wanted them.
Even though after diagnosis I was convinced that I would be the “fun” aunt and never have children what that doctor said to me always has stuck in my mind. On my first date with Cletus I was fairly up front with my diabetes. I had always been up front with people about my diabetes and everything else about me for that matter. Not only was I up front with my later to be husband about my diabetes but I was also up front about a number of things including the fact that I didn’t think I would be able to have children. It took me a few years of being with my husband to really convince myself that maybe I did in fact want children and that even though doctors here in my community had a different idea about a diabetic having children, I really could do it.
It really has been interesting to see the kind of opposition I have run into regarding being diabetic and getting pregnant (staying pregnant for that matter). Maybe it’s because I live in a moderately sized city with maybe not the BEST medical care available, though I do live in an area that is just an hour an a half drive from a major research/teaching hospital that is world renowned. I really think it is not those things but more what doctors, healthcare professions. Family and friends see as their own taboos. They have decided what diabetics can and can’t do and it really has opened my eyes over the last few years.

I am most surprised to realize that I have indeed had a healthy pregnancy and hopefully in a few more weeks, labor and delivery of a healthy baby. But it is most interesting that the place in which I get the most flack is not from family or from me saying this can’t be done its mainly medical professions.

Again this morning I thought about what that doctor in the ICU told me about my life. I can do anything I set my mind to, which has been so true. I intend to write that doctor a note if I can figure out where he is in practice these days and let me know that even though I have always been a “just dare me to do it” kind of person, his words really made me believe that I could achieve this goal.

***Four weeks and counting until induction***

31 weeks down

2007-04-24T13:39:00.001-07:00

I never thought I would say this but we are so close to meeting Lil’ Cletus it hard to believe.
Thank goodness Tax Season is finally over and even though there is still a ton of work to get done I can finally leave the office at a reasonable hour and not feel totally horrible about going home.

My sugars were creeping up every few days toward the end of tax season and I tried to rationalize the extra insulin by believing that it was the stress of end of tax season crunch, bad infusion sites and a number of other things. The truth is now I really now what insulin resistance is all about. In the last week I have had to had three new basal times AND have gone up by a FULL unit of insulin for each hour. Considering in past weeks when I have noticed resistance I have only had to up my insulin by a itsy bitsy bit it is truly scary to up your basal by a whole unit and it not have a whole lot of effect on your sugars. I keep thinking that I will try to wake up for a BG check one of these nights and find out days later that I ended up in a coma and am just coming out. It sounds stupid but all the insulin definitely makes me feel weird. I can see that the amounts are only going to go up from here. I hope that I don’t get to the point where I have to change my pump a few times a day because I am taking SO MUCH INSULIN. Highly unlikely I know but at the rate I am going a set change only last a little over 36 hours depending on what I eat.

Last week at my perinatology appointment all still looked good with me and the heartbeat of baby seemed good. I was able to go through my long list of questions and Cletus’ questions as well since he was not with me. That was my last two week appointment and starting next week I will go see them weekly. I always see the PA, Amy that I absolutely love. It was a little weird in the beginning going to see her as we graduated high school together and she was definitely someone that I did not see eye to eye with but now she is an absolute sweetie. One think I was specifically concerned with was wearing my pump during labor. I have this huge aversion to being on an insulin drip for a number of reasons but one of the main reasons is the poor diabetes care I have received in previous hospital stays. That certainly is a post in and of it’s self but I did make it clear that I want to wear my pump during labor and delivery if at all possible. Amy kind of cringed when she told me it might not happen but that she would be happy to get my doctor and discuss it will him. I was pretty firm on the few things that I am requesting for my labor and delivery and I wanted to make them clear while I was still in the right frame of mind and not in a panic. It was sort of comical when Amy left the room to get the Dr. She obviously mentioned that I was a little hostile about the pump situation as when the Doc walked in he said, “whatever you want, Amy already told me your concern and whatever you want is fine”. I highly doubt this is completely true but if I can make it work at least for a while I will feel better.
The moment that Amy explained all the things that we would be doing in each appointment and then discussed our 36 week mark goal I was ok. It wasn’t until she reminded me again that I really need to pack my bag for the hospital and have it ready that I started to freak out just a bit. Amy reiterated that at ANY one of these weekly appointments I could be sent over to the hospital to be delivered/induced. This whole journey has really felt so surreal to me. It just seems weird that this is all going to happen.

My sister bought me a 3D/4D ultrasound at a little place here in town that has really good credentials so even though I have already had lots of ultrasounds it was nice for my family to get to see Lil’ Cletus on the big screen. Saturday afternoon my sister and my parents along with Cletus and I settled into the comfortable ultrasound room of this place. It was neat to see Lil’ Cletus up on this huge screen that was the size of the wall and they did get some really cute pictures of her. She was being stubborn as usual and kept her hands and feet up by her face. She did do a lot of finger sucking and finally when the sonographer took to shaking, jiggling and making lots of noise she fell asleep. Obviously Lil’ Cletus is used to all the hub-bub at our house with the dogs and their barking, and Fred has taking to using my belly as a diving board off our bed. Apparently nothing fazes this kid but spicy food. We really didn’t learn anything at the ultrasound that we didn’t already know, the only thing that threw me for a loop was when the sonographer (who is the owner of the company) let me know that it was a good thing I would be having a c-section early because I had a low lying placenta. This was certainly not something that in the million times I have had ultrasounds before they let me know. I probably should give a call over to Amy and ask her if it’s a big deal but I don’t want to be a pain. Any one have experience with this? I don’t think it’s like having placenta previa is it?

And last but not least, the baby’s room is finally coming together. We are almost settled on two different names and we will decide once she gets here. I bought big white letters that I intend to paint bright colors and cute ribbon to tie them up with for her wall. I bought the letters for both names and will return the others when she arrives. We went to a carpet outlet this weekend and I found a remnant that is BRIGHT lime green and I bought part of it to be finished on the edges and made into a rug. It was significantly less expensive than buying a rug plus I haven’t been able to find anything I like. I hope once we get the rug I will be happy with it. Our furniture will be delivered in a few weeks and I think beside the car seat and a few bottles we won’t need much in the beginning. We have been buying diapers and wipes and stashing them as we can. I figure if anything happens we can always pass them along to my brother (there I go again having negative thoughts).

The next few weeks I am sure will fly by. My mother is having major surgery on her foot next Tuesday and will have to be off her foot for at least six weeks. The next week my sister is having major jaw surgery and because of extenuating circumstances she will not be able to stay alone she will be at my parent’s home. I have been elected by my sister to sit at the hospital with her the first day after surgery. It all sounds a little crazy to me I just hope I don’t have any issues of my own in the mean time.

The end of tax season mind wander

2007-04-12T19:10:00.000-07:00

I’m still hanging in here.

My BG has been all over the chart lately. I have tried just about everything to get them in a safe range but obviously this pregnancy is making the diabetes go haywire. And I really cannot believe how much insulin I am truly on now. Talk about insulin resistance I think my total basal insulin per day is something like 55 units. WOW!!!! And that does not include what I bolus for meals and snacks. A few mornings in a row I have woken up with sweaters on my teeth, the worst cotton mouth you could imagine and heart burn to boot. I am never sure if that is from my sugar or from pregnancy. No ketones that goodness, and the few times I have they have only been trace amounts.

I still haven’t gained any weight, matter of fact I have lost several pounds. I am certain to ask at each appointment if it is a problem, but seeing as I start out on the fluffy side they tell me there is nothing to worry about as long as the baby continues to gain. I am starting to feel big though, like I have being eating for hours at a buffet.

I truly have nothing to complain about. I am so lucky to be at this point. I am fortunate that taking care of myself will allow this baby to be healthy, and I am most fortunate that we actually got pregnant on our first IUI and I have gotten this far.

Every time someone (cletus) mentions just how close I am for a moment I start to have a panic attack. I have to stop myself and think shoot for the last several years a baby has been my goal, whether it be thinking ahead about my diabetes or losing weight, or any of the other things I did to prepare to try. What am I so anxious about?

I was on the table this afternoon during my massage and I realized, I never thought I would ever get to this point. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I was so goal oriented about getting pregnant. I am not so worried about labor and delivery, sure I have my concerns but millions of women for millions of years have been doing this and even though I know it won’t be easy one way or another I will have this baby. The thing that worries me is once I have her, then what? I have been so focused on getting my health in check and doing all the right things, and then getting pregnant and finally staying pregnant I think I may have lost something in the journey. What the hell am I going to do once she is here?

I know that I will be a good mother (I have kept the dogs alive this long), and I am certain beyond belief that Cletus is going to make the best father. He is so excited for her to get here I can practically see it pouring from him. I am not so sure about the dogs. I guess I need to figure out how to prepare dogs for a baby but hopefully someone along the way will be able to help us.

Sitting in my office working my tail off literally this evening I can’t believe how lucky I am to be here at almost 30 weeks pregnant, in decent health, and the baby seems to be in good health so far. If we can both just make it another seven or so weeks I know that we will be able to figure out the next chapter.

For the time being, reality has definitely set in and she will be here before we both know it.

On Furniture and Classes

2007-04-04T18:42:00.001-07:00

The class we had last week on Baby Basics turned out to be a total bust. I was expecting to get all kinds of interesting information that would be useful to us but it turned out that the class was of almost no use. The instructor had done daycare for a number of years and quit that to get into prenatal education. Hmmm…apparently watching children for 14 years does not give you the skill set to speak eloquently about Baby Basics. I was thoroughly disappointed when we left the class last Tuesday night. The only thing that I did learn is that if you speak to men, more specifically my brother in baseball terms they can just about pick up anything. Cletus and I really enjoyed watching my brother and his wife swaddle the baby dolls in class while the instructor shouted out baseball terminology to help them understand how to swaddle the doll. My brother continued to fidget throughout the class and was smashing the baby on the table top while the instructor spoke. Too bad the only thing I got out of the class was the realization that my brothers ADD will never go away!!! I felt like I got what I paid for with this class, it was free and given by the hospital. I guess I couldn’t be disappointed with the fee but it was a waste of time when I could have been earning money for the business.

We started our prenatal classes on Sunday. I was really looking forward to that. I spent the earlier part of the day helping my mom prepare for Passover. Around lunch time my parents surprised Cletus and I by asking us if we wanted to go baby furniture shopping. They fully intended to buy us the furniture we wanted. Of course we agreed and it was quite the shopping trip. In true Big A (that’s my brother) fashion he called our cell phone at the 25th hour to ask what we were doing. Cletus explained that we were on our way to the baby store to get furniture and my brother let us know he could be at the shop in less than two minutes. It just so happened that my brother and his wife were close to where we were and could meet us at the baby shop. My parents fully intended on buying my brother and his wife baby furniture as well but I have to say this is just like my brother to slide in at the last minute. He is that kind of kid, things just work out swimmingly for him. My parents were so generous, buying us a convertible crib, changing table/dresser and armoire. They are a beautiful cherry wood with glass fronts and I really love them. My mom couldn’t help herself and bought the baby all kinds of other things; the ultimate crib sheet (2), regular crib sheets (3), a coming home outfit, swaddle blankets, brush and comb and several other things. I knew she was excited but I was really shocked that she surprised us this way. The furniture will be held in the store for us for a number of weeks under my request. I don’t want anything in the room too early. The furniture purchase has really taken a load off of me that I didn’t realize that I was that worried about.

After our shopping excursion my brother and his wife loaded up the changing pad and mattresses in to their truck and took the odds and ends to our house. We had our first prenatal/Lamaze class directly after that. It really was a whole afternoon of baby. We got to the hospital before my brother and his wife. We checked in and noticed that their were so many groups of people who had signed up for classes that they had to large groups separated by color. We checked in and grabbed our stuff. I looked for my brother’s information and noticed their information was in a different color. When I mentioned that I knew those people the instructor’s quickly snatched up their name tags and switched them to our group which was not my intention. I would have been ok with Cletus and I in a different class than they were in. It worked out ok and my brother was happy that we were all together. When it came time for introductions in class we all had to give general information, leave it to my brother to tell the class the his “OLDER” sister was here and giving birth around the same time as he and his wife. The class went MUCH better than the class on Tuesday night. I left feeling a little better about labor and delivery. I know I can do this because millions of woman over time have given birth however in the back of my mind I have this little voice that tells me that things don’t usually go my way and so I better watch what I think I can do.

I couldn’t wait until the final class to get a tour of the new mother/baby floors of the hospital. In reality Cletus used to work at one of the other really large hospitals here and I have always felt very comfortable using specialists there. I never gave a second thought to having a baby at any other place but the hospital in which Cletus used to be employed however my high risk specialist ONLY delivers at this other hospital and so I had no choice. I really have been fighting this un-nerving feeling I had about the hospital I would deliver at but decided that if the only reason is because I didn’t know about it then I really ought to get in their and see what they have to offer. I made an appointment for last night to get a guided tour. The tour went well and since we were only with one other couple we got the extended version of the tour and they answered all kinds of questions and took us to parts that they probably don’t go into detail with in other tours. I sensed that the other pregnant woman was getting irritated with me because I asked so many questions and really she told me her pregnancy has had no complications and she hates her doctors so she expects to be in and out of the hospital. I had many concerns and was glad that I could get my questions answered. I am not completely impressed with the hospital and I still feel like I might be more comfortable at the other hospital because I know it really well and I know a lot of staff but my fears I think are still more linked to the actual delivery than anything else. Not only that but I can’t believe that I am to the point where I am even worrying about a delivery that seven short months ago I wasn’t sure I would ever have.

This whole experience has been more than I could have imagined. The insulin resistance is in full swing, and I am finally not just looking “fat” in my own eyes. I caught a glimpse of myself the other day in a full length mirror and thought holy crap who is that pregnant person looking back at me.

The 3rd Trimester

2007-03-27T09:01:00.000-07:00

WE MADE IT!!!

I never truly believed that I would be able to make it to the third trimester of this pregnancy. I kept telling myself, one day at a time, one day at a time. Similar to how I react to my diabetes. I can only do so many things at one time and I try to take things as they come. Granted I try to anticipate all things to come but things never turn out how I expect them to. This pregnancy has been no exception.

“The Boys” (Fred and Louie) seem to be getting along rather well. Louie is taking to being the big brother pretty well. He seems like he enjoys hanging out with his shadow Fred. I was afraid the first day we left them to their own devices I would have shreds of what would formerly been known as my home however they have done just fine together. Fred is definitely a “lover”. He has to be close to me at all times when I am home. That is really the only thing that irritates Louie. He is still adjusting to the fact he has to share us with Fred.

Last week I swear I caught the black plague. It started as a simple cold, a little sore throat and not much else. By Wednesday of last week I was losing my guts and thought I might possibly lose an organ I was throwing up so hard. I hurried myself to the doctor but not before calling the Baby Doc to see if they could help me first. The Dr. that I saw at the walk-in clinic was OVERLY alarmed and wanted to immediately admit me to the hospital of which I was not too keen on and I asked as politely as I could if that was my only option. I was told I had eight hours to get myself re-hydrated and sent off with a viral diagnosis and a script for Phenegran. I probably drank a few gallons of Gatorade that day. A job in which I was clearly not prepared for, one I have maybe had a few Gatorades in my entire lifetime as they make my sugar high, two, a gallon of any liquid will send any pregnant women camping in the bathroom and three I was coughing up Fruit Punch colored and scented Gatorade for the next 24 hours. I was sure I was feeling better by Thursday and so I came back into the office for half a day. By Friday I had convinced myself that I was doing perfect except for the fact that I felt like a train had run me over, I could barely talk and the pain in throat made me grit my teeth and wince every time I swallowed. Saturday morning I could not drag myself into the office and I had mostly lost my voice as well. Back to the doctor I went and this time after much testing left with a bronchitis diagnosis on top of the already viral thing I had going on. It was quite the weekend. The entire time home I had Fred sleeping on my head like a cat and Louie sleeping on my feet. Although it was cute it certainly did nothing for my furnace temperature and my frequent trips to the bathroom. Fred gave me the eyeball every time I had to roll my belly out of bed to run to the bathroom.

The first trimester went off without a hitch for the most part, except for my nerves. The second trimester definitely was a test. What with the tailbone and broken foot, all the illness, the car accident and numerous other things that could not be predicted. I am so glad to finally be in the third trimester and am a little shocked to tell you the truth. I can’t believe I have made it this far. I follow another woman with diabetes and her pregnancy as well and every time she updates her blog I think to myself, HOLY COW how did she get that far??? Wasn’t she just 4 weeks along? Its amazing how times flies and yet day to day it seems to stand still. And still another woman’s blog I read is almost in the exact same place as I am with this pregnancy and when I read her updates I think wow she is almost to the finish line. It really is amazing. I know that Lil’ Cletus will be here before we know it, and I keep trying to visualize what it will be like when she is here but I just can’t picture having a baby of our own. I guess I will believe it when I see it.

I have both curtains and a bed skirt for Lil’ Cletus’ bed but we still don’t have a bed, changing table, dresser or anything else for her room. We intend to go and buy furniture the weekend of the 15th of April, maybe I will even register then. We’ll see. We definitely will not have a shower before she is born. A few of my mom’s friends want to do something once she is here and that is ok with me it just seems so weird to think about things AFTER she is here.

It has been unseasonably warm here in the Midwest. The sun has been shining and the temps have been in the 70’s. Today is the first day that it is a little cooler again and gray outside. I was beginning to get used to the beautiful weather we were having. I was kind of looking forward to leaving the office early tonight for our first baby class so I could be out in the nice weather. So much for that but the first baby class is exciting; I can’t believe it’s here.

26 weeks and counting

2007-03-20T14:25:00.000-07:00

Louie’s new little brother arrived on Sunday afternoon. Poor Louie is finally figuring out that the puppy is here to stay and frankly I think that pisses him off a little but he is learning to deal with it. This morning we left them out and playing together while Cletus and I went to work. When Cletus went home over lunch to check on them it seemed like all was well. They were left alone for the afternoon and hopefully I have a house to come home to this evening. I really love our new little guy a ton but it makes me feel a little bad for Louie. I knew when the baby arrived it would be quite the transition for Louie but this new puppy has been quite the adjustment. All seems to be going well though (and I hope I don’t jinx it).

We had another ultrasound last Thursday to check the heart for any abnormalities. All looked well. We even got several 3D/4D shots of Lil’ Cletus while we were there. She really like her hands and feet by her face. Maybe a future contortionist? Lil Cletus’ weight is supposedly 1 lb 11 oz, and everything looks good from the ultrasound. We still didn’t get to talk to the doctor which really isn’t a huge issue for me since I love our PA. I always pick appointments that are first thing in the morning and apparently the two doctors in the practice are at the hospital that early but not at their office that early. It doesn’t matter to me either way as long as they answer my questions and take good care of Lil’ Cletus and I. I was referred to physical therapy by the PA because of the broken tailbone and the new pain and numbness that I am having in my right leg. The PA gave me some pretty strong muscle relaxants as well to help ease the pain but I am afraid to take them as I am exhausted already and those kinds of meds have a WIPEOUT affect on me. I can’t afford to be asleep at my desk with four weeks left of filing season.

Today was my first day of PT. I wondered how it would all pan out. I mean honestly what kind of physical therapy can you do for your tush? The only possible exercise I could think of was to squeeze my cheeks together, in and out several times. That isn’t quite was the physical therapist had in mind. Other than waiting for over an hour for my appointment it all seemed to go pretty well. I could barely walk as I left PT but was guaranteed that I would walk straighter and my hips would feel better. The best part of the whole appointment was sitting in a dark room in a recliner with to massive ice packs on my tush and my back. I seriously need to find a place that carried those kinds of ice packs because those really were the mother load.

I am starting to really believe that this baby may be for real. She has quite the strong feet and knows how to use them. Cletus figured out the other night that she can be provoked, and he really enjoys doing it. I wasn’t certain he would be able to feel her strong kicks but apparently it was undeniable even to him. He promptly poked a few more times and got her all angry because she was kicking up a storm. Every time I want her to kick she is quiet and inactive but when her father does it she answers back. My sister has asked several times to feel her move but I can’t provoke her. Must be something about Cletus’ voice.

All in all things seem to be going well. My BG is staying pretty steady, I have had a few highs but nothing that can’t be fixed. I can’t believe that I am 26 weeks along. It really is quite amazing. She will be here before I know it and I have a billion things still to do. I am still afraid to do too many things ahead of time. We are almost to my next goal of making it to 28 weeks.

I’ll leave you with a picture of Louie and Fred the day they met. They really do look like brothers.