Talking it out
Twenty nine weeks and counting down. It is so hard for me to believe that we may have babies in seven-ish weeks.
So far this pregnancy I have worried about how things would end up an awful lot. It does not matter how far away I try to push these feelings, it's always something. An insensitive comment can put me in a tailspin for hours even days sometimes. It's a number of things and as I have said before my give-a-shit meter for other peoples problems is pretty much at zero. I used to be a very sympathetic person and I still can be to an extent but it seems as though when I lost my pregnancy in February it kind of all went to shit with my emotions too. I just don't care that much. That's the truth. I know everyone has problems and it is terrible for me to admit that I am tired of other's perceived problems. I realize that I shouldn't expect people to care about my problems if I don't care about their problems but it would be nice if people would take a step back and give a crap a little more. Just saying...
Anyway, that rant is probably for another time and another place. The real issue is that since March-ish of 2011 I have been seeing a therapist. We talk about all the crap in my head. Mostly I talk, she listens and nods her head a lot. I wait two or three weeks and do it all over again. It's a pretty good routine. To be quite honest I have had A LOT of worries with this pregnancy, none of which have come true thus far. In all of my previous pregnancies I had horribly vivid dreams about me and about any pregnancy I was carrying....and they most always came true. It is scary. This pregnancy I have had a lot of very vivid dreams and like I said their have been a lot of worries going through my head but no dead baby dreams that I can recall right off the bat.
So Tuesday of this week I was all set for a appointment with my therapist and then I was meeting DH downtown for a peri appointment to check out "the boys" (it's happening every week now). I did not go into the office and instead slept a little later and went off to my first appointment. Without thinking I quietly read a magazine and waited twenty minutes. Finally it dawned on me that I was the only one in the waiting area and all the other therapists had come and gone with patients. It occurred to me that maybe my appointment had been changed and/or something had happened. The receptionist never said anything to me but when I looked at my phone I noticed that 50 minutes prior she had called to tell me that my appointment needed to be changed. I did so with the receptionist and then went on my merry way. Except...I really needed that appointment. Like I said my therapist doesn't talk a whole lot ( I probably don't let her get a word in edgewise) she is supposed to be some highly respected therapist in the pregnancy arena. She probably is highly respected I just don't get that from the feedback I get from her. Anyway, I really need those appointments to talk out my worries. Apparently more than I realized. Since Tuesday, granted it has only been two nights but both nights I have had these awful dead baby dreams and it is really starting to freak me out. Therapist can't see my for two weeks and when I told my family they brush it off like, well can you feel the boys move and all kinds of other things which are not helpful to me.
I am trying to talk to out and hoping that by putting it out hear maybe it will be out of my mind and I can move forward but to tell you the truth I am freaked out. Izzie woke me up at the very end of this last dead baby dream at 3:30 this morning. Thank g-d she came in my room and said she was having a bad dream and wanted to hop in bed. I needed a distraction. No joke. I tried to calm her by telling her it was OK and I was right there and we could talk about her bad dreams. I even told her I had a bad dream and it happens to everyone. An hour later she was asleep next to me quietly dreaming I am assuming happy thoughts while I laid with my eyes wide open for fear that the second I closed my eyes something was going to happen. The boys did give me a little kick to let me know they were still in there and active but that is no guarantee. I know lots of people are wishing that I would just shut-up already from all the dead baby drama. I too feel that way too, I want to be over it, I want not to feel this way, I would love to close this chapter and have a happy-ish ending (LIVE BOYS) but right now it feels scary and like it might now happen.
I know that my sister has some kind of great, wonderful, surprise for this weekend (and I am embarrassed to say this) but I am so freaked out something is going to happen and the surprise won't get to happen. Whatever it is I am sure it will be worth it but I am afraid I'll have to take this whole pregnancy thing back. I am sure she means no harm in planning a surprise but I am scared. Not for the surprise more for the what if it has to do with this pregnancy and I can't take it back.
As much as I don't want to admit it, for me it's not getting better, it's getting worse. Twenty nine weeks, one day.
So far this pregnancy I have worried about how things would end up an awful lot. It does not matter how far away I try to push these feelings, it's always something. An insensitive comment can put me in a tailspin for hours even days sometimes. It's a number of things and as I have said before my give-a-shit meter for other peoples problems is pretty much at zero. I used to be a very sympathetic person and I still can be to an extent but it seems as though when I lost my pregnancy in February it kind of all went to shit with my emotions too. I just don't care that much. That's the truth. I know everyone has problems and it is terrible for me to admit that I am tired of other's perceived problems. I realize that I shouldn't expect people to care about my problems if I don't care about their problems but it would be nice if people would take a step back and give a crap a little more. Just saying...
Anyway, that rant is probably for another time and another place. The real issue is that since March-ish of 2011 I have been seeing a therapist. We talk about all the crap in my head. Mostly I talk, she listens and nods her head a lot. I wait two or three weeks and do it all over again. It's a pretty good routine. To be quite honest I have had A LOT of worries with this pregnancy, none of which have come true thus far. In all of my previous pregnancies I had horribly vivid dreams about me and about any pregnancy I was carrying....and they most always came true. It is scary. This pregnancy I have had a lot of very vivid dreams and like I said their have been a lot of worries going through my head but no dead baby dreams that I can recall right off the bat.
So Tuesday of this week I was all set for a appointment with my therapist and then I was meeting DH downtown for a peri appointment to check out "the boys" (it's happening every week now). I did not go into the office and instead slept a little later and went off to my first appointment. Without thinking I quietly read a magazine and waited twenty minutes. Finally it dawned on me that I was the only one in the waiting area and all the other therapists had come and gone with patients. It occurred to me that maybe my appointment had been changed and/or something had happened. The receptionist never said anything to me but when I looked at my phone I noticed that 50 minutes prior she had called to tell me that my appointment needed to be changed. I did so with the receptionist and then went on my merry way. Except...I really needed that appointment. Like I said my therapist doesn't talk a whole lot ( I probably don't let her get a word in edgewise) she is supposed to be some highly respected therapist in the pregnancy arena. She probably is highly respected I just don't get that from the feedback I get from her. Anyway, I really need those appointments to talk out my worries. Apparently more than I realized. Since Tuesday, granted it has only been two nights but both nights I have had these awful dead baby dreams and it is really starting to freak me out. Therapist can't see my for two weeks and when I told my family they brush it off like, well can you feel the boys move and all kinds of other things which are not helpful to me.
I am trying to talk to out and hoping that by putting it out hear maybe it will be out of my mind and I can move forward but to tell you the truth I am freaked out. Izzie woke me up at the very end of this last dead baby dream at 3:30 this morning. Thank g-d she came in my room and said she was having a bad dream and wanted to hop in bed. I needed a distraction. No joke. I tried to calm her by telling her it was OK and I was right there and we could talk about her bad dreams. I even told her I had a bad dream and it happens to everyone. An hour later she was asleep next to me quietly dreaming I am assuming happy thoughts while I laid with my eyes wide open for fear that the second I closed my eyes something was going to happen. The boys did give me a little kick to let me know they were still in there and active but that is no guarantee. I know lots of people are wishing that I would just shut-up already from all the dead baby drama. I too feel that way too, I want to be over it, I want not to feel this way, I would love to close this chapter and have a happy-ish ending (LIVE BOYS) but right now it feels scary and like it might now happen.
I know that my sister has some kind of great, wonderful, surprise for this weekend (and I am embarrassed to say this) but I am so freaked out something is going to happen and the surprise won't get to happen. Whatever it is I am sure it will be worth it but I am afraid I'll have to take this whole pregnancy thing back. I am sure she means no harm in planning a surprise but I am scared. Not for the surprise more for the what if it has to do with this pregnancy and I can't take it back.
As much as I don't want to admit it, for me it's not getting better, it's getting worse. Twenty nine weeks, one day.
posted by Flmgodog @ 1:05 PM
1 Comments:
At 12:31 PM,
Pipsylou said…
Man you sound so much like me during my pregnancies. I am so glad my uterus is in the landfill, to be honest. It just messes with your head. You are doing this one day at a time. That is all you can do.
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