What to say, what to say?
Every morning I thank the boys that I am one day farther (22w 2d) into this pregnancy and that they are still alive. I check in with all the blogs I read but first I take a look at this sad little page and think "what do I say"? How do I update? It's weird.
Let me back up a bit. About sixteen years ago my best friend in the whole world and I got in a huge fight. It had been brewing for months on end. I couldn't take it anymore. I said some really hurtful things that while true I also knew were very hurtful. After we had that fight and our friendship parted I made a mental note that I needed to be careful about what I said to people because once it had left my lips it could never be taken back. Yes, I could apologize but the words could never be taken back. Over the years and most especially with my friends and family I try to not to say things in anger that I know I can't take back. Or for that matter even if not in anger and I just say things without thinking I know I can't take back. I know most people do it and some people are more aware of what they say and how their actions affect people but it has been on my mind a lot lately.
I have been in this weird funk lately where I just don't want to put anything on here because I don't want to have to take things back. I feel like in the last six plus years I have had to take so many things back and I just want this RPL portion of my life to move on. It's never going away. I know that. After seven losses one doesn't just suddenly loose that portion of their life but I want to move forward. I count down each days until these two little miracles can arrive on the outside safely and I hope healthy but I am nervous. I want to move past all the pregnancy worries. I want to be done with this portion of my life. I truly am not complaining about this pregnancy. I wouldn't DREAM of making any kind of statements like that but, to be honest I just want these babies on the outside. I want to have my tubes tied and move on with my life. I understand that I have Type 1 diabetes and until their is a cure that will always be a part of my life but want to be able to take something off my list of struggles. I so badly want for the middle of December to arrive and for these two little guys to be hear and alive. Everyone (friends, family) knows that this is the end of the line for children for me. I am done if these boys are born alive. I say it all the time. Frankly not that many people know I am even pregnant. I refuse to post it on FB or anywhere else.
I am also feeling a little weird because last week their was a lot of talk about this meme that was going around on FB "I am ____ weeks and craving ____" or something similar. I got the email from my very fertile SIL but didn't really think it all the way through. I have made my immediate family crazy with the idea that they may tell people that I am pregnant but it cannot go on FB or any such site. So why did I look at the forward from my SIL not think it was about pregnancy, not realize it was not helping to prevent ANYTHING and then post? What was I thinking? I have had 7 losses, pregnancy is no joke, I have several friends/relatives battling breast cancer, why did I not think about it and know? I could be a total ass and blame it on pregnancy brain but you know what? That's not true...I just was not thinking. It wasn't until a little while later when I really started to see lots of my friends and family posting that I realized what the hell it meant and what it was saying and then I was mortified. Absolutely mortified. I went right into my status update and deleted it even though a few people had already commented. What was I thinking? Am I one of those assholes too?
It makes me nervous every time I come to this spot and want to say all kinds of things and make all kinds of updates on Izzie and this pregnancy and all sorts of other things but then I have to take a step back and think, will I have to take it back.
It just reinforces to me what I have thought for such a long time once you say something you can never take it back.
Let me back up a bit. About sixteen years ago my best friend in the whole world and I got in a huge fight. It had been brewing for months on end. I couldn't take it anymore. I said some really hurtful things that while true I also knew were very hurtful. After we had that fight and our friendship parted I made a mental note that I needed to be careful about what I said to people because once it had left my lips it could never be taken back. Yes, I could apologize but the words could never be taken back. Over the years and most especially with my friends and family I try to not to say things in anger that I know I can't take back. Or for that matter even if not in anger and I just say things without thinking I know I can't take back. I know most people do it and some people are more aware of what they say and how their actions affect people but it has been on my mind a lot lately.
I have been in this weird funk lately where I just don't want to put anything on here because I don't want to have to take things back. I feel like in the last six plus years I have had to take so many things back and I just want this RPL portion of my life to move on. It's never going away. I know that. After seven losses one doesn't just suddenly loose that portion of their life but I want to move forward. I count down each days until these two little miracles can arrive on the outside safely and I hope healthy but I am nervous. I want to move past all the pregnancy worries. I want to be done with this portion of my life. I truly am not complaining about this pregnancy. I wouldn't DREAM of making any kind of statements like that but, to be honest I just want these babies on the outside. I want to have my tubes tied and move on with my life. I understand that I have Type 1 diabetes and until their is a cure that will always be a part of my life but want to be able to take something off my list of struggles. I so badly want for the middle of December to arrive and for these two little guys to be hear and alive. Everyone (friends, family) knows that this is the end of the line for children for me. I am done if these boys are born alive. I say it all the time. Frankly not that many people know I am even pregnant. I refuse to post it on FB or anywhere else.
I am also feeling a little weird because last week their was a lot of talk about this meme that was going around on FB "I am ____ weeks and craving ____" or something similar. I got the email from my very fertile SIL but didn't really think it all the way through. I have made my immediate family crazy with the idea that they may tell people that I am pregnant but it cannot go on FB or any such site. So why did I look at the forward from my SIL not think it was about pregnancy, not realize it was not helping to prevent ANYTHING and then post? What was I thinking? I have had 7 losses, pregnancy is no joke, I have several friends/relatives battling breast cancer, why did I not think about it and know? I could be a total ass and blame it on pregnancy brain but you know what? That's not true...I just was not thinking. It wasn't until a little while later when I really started to see lots of my friends and family posting that I realized what the hell it meant and what it was saying and then I was mortified. Absolutely mortified. I went right into my status update and deleted it even though a few people had already commented. What was I thinking? Am I one of those assholes too?
It makes me nervous every time I come to this spot and want to say all kinds of things and make all kinds of updates on Izzie and this pregnancy and all sorts of other things but then I have to take a step back and think, will I have to take it back.
It just reinforces to me what I have thought for such a long time once you say something you can never take it back.
Labels: pregnancy #9
posted by Flmgodog @ 1:52 PM
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