Grief
There is no good way to jump into this subject but here I go.
As I have said previously I decided with some urging that maybe I should seek some talk therapy to get out what I need to say. I feel like with this space though I know I can write freely sometimes I have to hold back or choose not to write many times because their are many IRL people that know me and have read my blog. I want it out there but it's hard to say exactly what you are feeling. In any case with some urging I called around and was able to find someone to meet with that is a good listener. I was a bit disappointed to wait and wait and wait to hear from the woman that both my RE and Peri suggested. She did finally call me back but I had been meeting with the other therapist for a week before I even heard from the recommended one.
My therapist is skilled in all issues related to pregnancy. My sense is that she does not have a whole lot of experience in pregnancy loss. I think that she understands but it makes the dynamic a little weird. Pregnancy loss is not like losing a parent or best friend. I am sure that in the general loss community all people experiencing loss get grouped into one big ball but I just don't think it's all the same.
After a few sessions with her I let her know that I really wasn't sure how effective talking to her is. I feel like I need to get to a place on my own where I can move forward. Notice I said "move forward" not "move ON". In my book these are two totally different things. In the mean time the therapist among all the other things going on in my life has been trying to help me understand how she can help. My question to her in our last session was, how do I keep myself sane if we ever are able to get pregnant again? I understand that I can take the meds and make the changes that the doctors have suggested but how do I make it through day to day knowing that this all could happen again. I will live in fear, please I have lived in fear since the first time it happened. It has only worsened. I could list ALL the things that I do/don't do when I am pregnant (you don't even want to read the list it is so expansive). The therapists answer was in order to move forward and not be fearful with the next pregnancy I need to grieve this last pregnancy.
I can't picture what it means to grieve. What does that mean? Does it mean cry (check), scream (check), talk about the unfairness of it all (check), wrack your brain for better ways (check), try different things (check), tell others about it (check). I just don't know. I feel like I have grieved this last pregnancy, I have grieved but I have to pick myself up and move forward. I don't feel like I can or am able to sit and dwell on how horrible my situation has been. Yes, I know I have done a lot of that in this space but in my general life I don't think people really know just how crappy I really feel. My way of grieving has been to do all the things I have listed above including ridding myself of friends and problems that just don't matter to me or my life. If it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of life I just don't care anymore.
According to my therapist I should be crying about these horrible things that have happened to me so that I can grieve and make it easier the next time should it actually happen. I feel like I have already done that. So tell me what do you think grieving this pregnancy means so that I can move forward?
As I have said previously I decided with some urging that maybe I should seek some talk therapy to get out what I need to say. I feel like with this space though I know I can write freely sometimes I have to hold back or choose not to write many times because their are many IRL people that know me and have read my blog. I want it out there but it's hard to say exactly what you are feeling. In any case with some urging I called around and was able to find someone to meet with that is a good listener. I was a bit disappointed to wait and wait and wait to hear from the woman that both my RE and Peri suggested. She did finally call me back but I had been meeting with the other therapist for a week before I even heard from the recommended one.
My therapist is skilled in all issues related to pregnancy. My sense is that she does not have a whole lot of experience in pregnancy loss. I think that she understands but it makes the dynamic a little weird. Pregnancy loss is not like losing a parent or best friend. I am sure that in the general loss community all people experiencing loss get grouped into one big ball but I just don't think it's all the same.
After a few sessions with her I let her know that I really wasn't sure how effective talking to her is. I feel like I need to get to a place on my own where I can move forward. Notice I said "move forward" not "move ON". In my book these are two totally different things. In the mean time the therapist among all the other things going on in my life has been trying to help me understand how she can help. My question to her in our last session was, how do I keep myself sane if we ever are able to get pregnant again? I understand that I can take the meds and make the changes that the doctors have suggested but how do I make it through day to day knowing that this all could happen again. I will live in fear, please I have lived in fear since the first time it happened. It has only worsened. I could list ALL the things that I do/don't do when I am pregnant (you don't even want to read the list it is so expansive). The therapists answer was in order to move forward and not be fearful with the next pregnancy I need to grieve this last pregnancy.
I can't picture what it means to grieve. What does that mean? Does it mean cry (check), scream (check), talk about the unfairness of it all (check), wrack your brain for better ways (check), try different things (check), tell others about it (check). I just don't know. I feel like I have grieved this last pregnancy, I have grieved but I have to pick myself up and move forward. I don't feel like I can or am able to sit and dwell on how horrible my situation has been. Yes, I know I have done a lot of that in this space but in my general life I don't think people really know just how crappy I really feel. My way of grieving has been to do all the things I have listed above including ridding myself of friends and problems that just don't matter to me or my life. If it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of life I just don't care anymore.
According to my therapist I should be crying about these horrible things that have happened to me so that I can grieve and make it easier the next time should it actually happen. I feel like I have already done that. So tell me what do you think grieving this pregnancy means so that I can move forward?
posted by Flmgodog @ 12:29 PM
1 Comments:
At 9:17 PM,
lesliedispensaperlman said…
ahhh well... no words of advice here. my therapy has been my blog and my paper journal.. which by the way has been sorely neglected and needs some attention. I wish there were clear instructions on how to handle pregnancy after the loss of a child. In the end I think we each have to find our way through those that will inevitably seem slow and treacherous.. I just hope to be navigating them sooner rather than later.
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