THe RE appointment

I got what I expected out of yesterday's appointment. It is useless to do the one blood test that I have not had done. Given my other issues it won't make a difference one way or another. Heparin it is from this point forward should their be any future pregnancy.

Sitting in the waiting area for almost fifty minutes was almost torture for me. I felt bad waiting because I knew DH had appointments that he was missing in order to come with me. I tried to stay calm it was difficult. So many unhappy men and women in the waiting room. Several of the woman sat in chairs and cried, one was crying as she came into the office. I don't know anyone else's situation but I kind of wanted to scream from the rooftops "BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR". For many of those women I know they would do anything just to be pregnant. Obviously I didn't say anything but for a brief few minutes I joined in on the tears. They need to hand out tissue packets at the door.

The one thing that made the appointment better is the doctor was SO sympathetic. I mean over and above any doctor I have ever been to. I knew he was a nice guy from our previous appointments with him but he spoke to me like I was his sister, cousin, wife. It was so nice. He answered ALL of my questions, gave me opinions on some other things I wanted to try and generally made it more of a counseling session (apparently I need that). I wanted with all my heart not to cry when I sat down but the first thing he asked me was to fill him in on what had been going on since September (even though he had heard most of it through email). I cried A LOT! I completely glossed over the whole situation with the Dr./hospital. Really it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, it only matters to me. I mean "mistakes" happen. I did explain my situation with my endo and all the things that were written in my chart. He was so kind and he told me to call him ANYTIME their was a situation that needed clarification with the endo or something I needed help with. I did make me feel better, especially since I have an appointment with the endo next week.

The whole appointment in retrospect did not last that long. I had already made up my mind before I went in to the appointment about moving forward but I wanted to be sure that I asked if other treatments would be helpful to me. I think we are all on the same page, I have crappy luck. Especially because we have no remains from any pregnancy, we will never know if each situation was different or we are dealing with the same problem. I have a lot of things stacked up against me but I know that I can carry a pregnancy to term and I intend to do it again dammit.

Dr. C. did ask DH how he was doing; how he was dealing with all of this. I am pretty sure that DH puts up the really good tough front "I'm fine" but I know he has got to be sad. He just wants it all to be over with.

I still have a lot of stress in my life beyond this pregnancy crap that I am trying to deal with. I spent the few days away from the office that I have had doing crap for my step-sisters wedding. I feel bad for my mother that she has all of this stuff to do and so I have been helping her but I just can't do any more. I made my decision to cut myself off from my step-sister and her life. I don't want any part of helping with this wedding and today I finally had to put my foot down and say I can't do any more. I just can't. I am looking forward to the beach vacation with DH and Izzie during the week leading up to my step-sisters wedding. We arrive home the afternoon that she getting married but the wedding is six hours away. I intend to sit on the beach and not think about my family, only my immediate family. I am also looking forward to a trip to Vegas for a week in July.

I am trying to distract my mind with other things. My body needs some time just to take a breather and move forward too.